i apologize as this will be fairly long. this is also my first post on reddit ever
for background: we have been together for almost 6 years and we have a relatively healthy relationship. we recently moved in together and we talked a lot before about things we’d like, dislike, cleanliness, roles, etc. one of the things we agreed on was that if one person cooks the other one cleans/washes the dishes.
right now, i do all of the cooking (as he doesnt know how to) and he does the bare minimum with the cleaning. for example, if i cook – he will wash the dishes (sometimes hours later or the next day) but he doesn’t wipe the stove off, sweep the floors, wipe the counter, etc. and to be fair, i do most of this before or during cooking because i cant stand cooking in a dirty kitchen and to make it easier on him.
further context, i work monday through friday and get off at 3:30. he works sunday through wednesday with 4 10 hour shifts and the time he gets off varies but he usually gets home at 8pm or later. my car is currently in the shop and he has been driving me back and forth to work but he does ask for gas money sometimes. he makes more money than i do but he also has more expenses than i do, which i get — he didnt grow up with family/support that helps him whereas i somewhat did so while we both pay bills, i also do all of the grocery shopping and i dont think i need to go over how fucking expensive it is for groceries nowadays which i dont think he understands. not to mention i dont eat what he eats so this means most of the time im buying extra and sometimes cooking 2 meals at once and he eats much more than i do anyway. i have to grocery shop every 2 weeks and it adds up fairly quickly.
i do not mind cooking for him but the issue is coming from the fact i feel its expected from me. he claims that since i get off of work earlier than him i shouldnt be too tired to cook as if i dont work buttfuck early in the morning 5 days a week. he gets upset at the fact that im upset when i come home from work on his days off and he asks me whats for dinner or if im leaving he’ll say “what am i gonna eat”. when i communicate that this is irritating he says “i just meant whats in the fridge to eat” like how about you get the fuck up and look for yourself?
he only cooks for himself if its frozen or easy or there’s simply no choice but i do not feel as if the effort, money, and time i spend into cooking/grocery shopping is appreciated. i feel as if it is expected. i don’t ever get to come home to food on the table for me, or have someone to buy my favorite drinks or snacks at the grocery store. since he gets off of work later than me, half the time i am the one cleaning the dishes as he gets off too late to wash them the night before. i clean out the fridge, im usually the one who cleans the living room, our bedroom, i put all the groceries away, etc. and im feeling like those things are going unnoticed/unappreciated.
every time i mention anything to him he says he doesn’t know how to cook for other people – especially me since “theres not much that i eat”. i just feel like if we’ve been together this long you should absolutely be able to make one meal you’d at least know i’d like? or be an adult and learn? i’ve offered to teach him as well and he mentions that when i communicate with him but i told him im not going to buy the food and teach him to prepare it. he has to let me know a time that he wants to learn, buy the food for it, and then we can do it together. but even me teaching him is for some reason starting to feel a little ridiculous. youre a grown man and you should be able to watch a video or follow a recipe. i guess i thought teaching him would just be a good bonding experience but now the idea just pisses me off.
i am becoming stressed out a little and feeling like its all on me. the question “what are we eating today” almost always leads to an argument recently bc its starting to piss me off so bad.
again, we have a pretty good relationship and if our worst problem is this i really think we can get through it. i am just not sure how or what to do about it at the moment. i guess im just curious as to if im justified for feeling this way or if im overreacting? whats even a solution for this? whats the dynamic in your relationship? i just need ideas in general
TL;DR: My partner and I have been together for almost 6 years. I do all of the cooking and buy all of the groceries while my partner does minimal cleaning and doesn’t know how to cook. We agreed on shared responsibilities, but I feel overwhelmed with grocery shopping as I have to buy and cook extra since he eats a lot and we have two different diets. I feel I put more effort and energy in and am not getting it back in equivalent ways. Am I justified for feeling this way or is it kind of overdramatic? Is there a solution for this? What is the cooking/cleaning dynamic in your relationship?
Comments
Don’t waste your 20’s with this man.
You feel taken advantage of because you are being taken advantage of.
You have two options:
Tell him you’re only cooking on certain days and the other days it’s his turn. You will show him once how to cook something you can both eat, and you expect him to take notes if he needs to. When it’s his turn to clean because you’ve cooked, sit or stand in the kitchen and watch him clean. Remind him to clean the counters and cooker etc. Again, you can show him once but after that make it clear that “cleanup” includes these specific steps. Keep supervising his cleaning until he can no longer feign ignorance.
Just move out because life is too short to teach a man how to adult.