So today I got home a bit later from being out with my friend than I expected, my phone had died so I couldn’t tell him I was on my way back. When I got in he wasn’t downstairs so I waited for a while and then went to find him. When I walked upstairs it was super quiet, so I went into his gaming room to see what he was doing. I found him watching porn. I was quite shocked but I didn’t really react. I could tell he was super embarrassed and annoyed at himself, he just said I didn’t know you were back. I just asked him what he was doing and why, then I left him and went downstairs to think about it.
To be honest, it doesn’t upset me too much. But the thing that really gets to me, is that I’ve always had a higher drive than him, often leading to me having to ‘sort myself out’ because he either turns me down or doesn’t initiate. I will say the past few months have been better, but a year ago I was actually considering ending our relationship because of his lack of drive and how it was affecting our dynamic. He would go weeks / months without starting anything, or even flirting. It was really hard on me. I also asked him around his time if he was depressed/ stressed and he always said no.
He eventually came downstairs to discuss it and said he felt really embarrassed and apologised. We have chatted about porn before and he always said he didn’t watch it anymore. I never believed him at all, but I never witnessed him actually watching it so I couldn’t prove if he was or not. But I brought up the fact that now I know he watches it, was he watching it last year when we went through our dry spell, and he said yes and that’s why I wasn’t in the mood for it.
This really upset me because he sat back and watched me suffer, beg him for affection and love, while he knew what he was doing, watching porn and turning his back on me. Can men please enlighten me, why would he rather watch porn than engage with me? Or is it more of a – my girlfriends not here and i’m horny- kind of thing? Surely you’d just wait for your partner to get home? I know it’s preference but in my opinion i’m hot. I have an hourglass shape and I work hard for my body and take my fitness seriously. As I mentioned I have a higher drive so I very rarely decline if he initiates.
So it’s not the act of him watching it that’s upset me, it’s the fact this is an issue in our relationship already – and he’d rather get off to a stranger? Please help!
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you need to talk with him. him admitting to choosing porn over you when it almost ended your relationship is a sign that you need couples therapy
It boils down to… it’s easier to get himself off than have to get himself and believed pressure (often self-imposed pressure) of getting you off as well. It’s not that he’s not attracted to you.
You just say to him – I find out you ever do that again, I’m going to make you a cuckhold for real, asshole.
Porn is awful and detrimental to relationships and our youth. I would never allow it in my home and I’m not even religious. I just think it gives off all the wrong impressions about intimacy and a healthy sex life.
Very embarrassing for anyone to admit ! Be the bold one and ask what do you like about the porn your watching and what would you like to try (if your willing to stick together )
Porn is an addiction like a drug
I don’t think one can watch it and not be in love with the person they are with so easily with it being only mind and not physical
But it’s best to attack this now
A few possible key reasons, and forgive me in advance.
In no particular order:
he may find sex embarrassing if his libido or performance isn’t until the expectation of his partner, and so avoid it
he may have watched so much porn that he just wants to dopamine, not connection with you
he may not want sex with you
he may be too stressed to make himself sufficiently vulnerable to another person to enjoy/desire sex
Porn kills love
Porn is something you can watch together I’ve always felt.
Get ideas and stimulation to attempt together if not done before.
I found a porn video sent with an Adam and eve video and I recall 2 things about it. That one of the main characters had blue body paint and never seen such shit before had a watch party to show it lol.
Pornographic content made in a pay for view scheme and tips or private condos paid for is the no line for me. Sadly a lot of corn released now seems to by such content creators you can subscribe to and be milked.
Maybe in your convo when have it with him ask him what his favorite is and if you can watch it together as a couple. Or pick one together if his go tos cause him to be uncomfortable you watching with him.
r/loveafterporn
You’re both still relatively young so there is hope yet for help and growth, only if both of you truly want it though. I would suggest therapy and attend yourself even if he does not want to. Give it some form of a time-frame, say up to three months to see improvement or make a decision.
P addiction is one of the worst addictions, medical professionals compared to being worse than heroin simply because you can find it for free anywhere and anytime. This is a typical response on somebody has a p addiction that goes too far. I think it would be beneficial for him to look at therapy, however most guys are too ashamed to do that. I don’t know what the answer is, but you do need to have a heart to heart and let him know that it is affecting your relationship. You need physical intimacy as a woman to be connected to him in one form or another. You may be able to get his rocks off real quick with a saucy scene but that leaves you behind and is self-serving on his part
If it was easier to have sex with your partner, more men would do it instead of watching porn. Just see all the reddit comments on other threads blaming men who don’t want to go through an hour of foreplay every time, and spending a ton of effort making sure you come. Sometimes you just want something quick and easy. If you would be OK with a no-pressure quickie every once in a while, communicate it to him. You can probably make more time for longer sessions as well if he stops feeling a lot of pressure to perform.
It could be a lot of things going here.
Having a lower libido than your GF/wife can really impact a man’s sense of masculinity. He probably knows he disappoints you when he declines your advances, and you have to masturbate. That too can affect his sense of masculinity.
You didn’t really say how much you enjoyed having sex with him. If he’s not performing to expectations of quality as well as quantity, that can really shut a guy down.
All these things produce a deep shame that most men cannot talk about – especially with their GF/wife. Retreating into porn and masturbation is probably his way of coping. Of course, that makes him less ready for you.
These feelings are very difficult to untangle and resolve. Maybe you can talk it out with him or get a marriage counselor to help.
He doesn’t care that you were hurting. He doesn’t respect you. I hope you end this relationship