I (24F) have been dating my boyfriend (27M) for a little over one year. About 4 months into dating (last October) he attended a wedding for one of his college buddies out of state. We were newly dating and he didn’t have a +1, so I stayed home. He has a big friend group from college (5+ guys, 5+ girls) and they’ve all stayed in contact/close with each other despite everyone moving to different places, and they all were at the wedding. He dated one of the girls in the group, let’s call her Beth, a few years before we got together but she ended it with him when he asked her to move in with him. I never had any concerns about any of his ex’s and we’ve always had open communication about them. I knew before he went that she would be there.
After returning home from the wedding weekend, we had dinner at my place and he told me he had to tell me something. He said that during the reception he took his suit jacket off and put it on his chair and his ex, Beth (engaged to someone else who also was not at the wedding), took it off his chair and put it on when he stepped away. He claims he asked her to take it off multiple times throughout the evening but she wouldn’t and that multiple friends in the group told her how bad the optics of the situation were (since she is engaged) and that she should give him back his jacket. I guess at some point late in the evening he got the jacket back and that was it, nothing else happened. I wasn’t upset and was actually very understanding that he didn’t want to cause a scene at a friend’s wedding. I thanked him for his honesty and we haven’t talked about it since.
A few weekends ago we went on a trip and I met some of the friend group and their significant others for the first time. Importantly, Beth was not on this trip. One of his friends girlfriends, let’s call her Kate, was filling me in on who everyone was + other important details when she mentioned that she doesn’t like Beth or how she acted at the wedding last October. I was surprised because it sounded like more than the suit-jacket situation happened. I asked and she filled me in that Beth was touching my boyfriend throughout dinner and the reception, putting her hand on his leg, flirting heavily, etc. I was surprised but didn’t want to come off as jealous or upset in front of the group so I let it go.
Later in the night, after everyone had a few drinks, I privately brought up to my boyfriend that Kate mentioned a few things he left out about Beth and the wedding. He claims he told me everything and that he had nothing to hide and that he was completely honest when he came home. During our conversation, Kate, her boyfriend, and a few others walk in, realize what we’re talking about, and start ragging on Beth and making the situation much bigger than I had wanted it to be. It felt like they were ragging on her to make me feel better. Truthfully, I didn’t want to seem insecure so I tried to shut it down and just brush it off. My boyfriend, as the conversation is winding down, makes a statement about how “nothing happened, we left at the same time and walked back to our rooms together and that was it,” meaning him and Beth left at the same time but parted ways when they got to their rooms.
This STUNNED me. He never mentioned that they left (alone) at the same time, or that they walked back to their rooms together. I didn’t say anything else, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since. I know he really loved this girl and was heartbroken when she broke up with him, but he has always been adamant that he is well over her (even having had a few girlfriends in between us) and that, if anything, he thinks less of her for putting on his jacket and being flirty while being engaged. I don’t know what to think. I feel stuck because he is super close with the group and I don’t think any of them would tell me if anything more serious happened (I understand having loyalties), but I have a gut feeling that the leaving together detail was left out for a reason. I don’t know how to address my concerns about him having potentially cheated (even a kiss for me is too much- I’m big on physical/emotional monogamy in serious relationships) because I don’t want to seem insecure or paranoid. Any advice is readily welcome
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You could reach out to Beth to see what she has to say. Based on how his friends were acting, it sounds like everyone was disappointed in how Beth was acting and they weren’t busting your BF for giving her any attention.
Sorry but this girl was all over him, he loved her, she ended it. He came back and gave you a snippet of what happened in case you heard something but I am 95% sure they slept together.
Sorry but if I’m with someone and my ex is all over me, clearly drunk, I would not fuel the fire that everyone was seeing by leaving with them.
I’d ask for Beth’s information and contact her then and there so he doesn’t have time to ‘warn’ her.
If he doesn’t immediately let you call her from his phone, then I’d end the relationship.
Don’t let him spew some bs about making things awkward with the group, or trust.
I have to say the story he told was so innocuous, I found to almost weird he even brought it up. It’s like he gave you this bogus stupid story to attempt to sound honest and open. But he seriously outed himself by saying they left together and walked away?!?! Where did the so called fiance go at that point? Did he leave because he was mad at Beth?
Regardless, your bf has shown he is not trustworthy. I would ask to see his phone for you to look through (no warning) to see if they had any communications. Check trash folders.
And have a serious talk with him about rebuilding trust if you don’t find anything. Because even if you don’t find something, he still gave you a weird @ss story to cover up what really happened.
All you need to know is that you don’t know the whole story, and that your boyfriend has not been honest with you about it from the start. He is giving you tiny bits of the story a little bit at a time, and is trying to avoid giving the whole truth. That should tell you everything you need to know.
Of course he left it out for a reason. And he was obviously chided about this after by the group, or he wouldn’t have said it and he probably assumed they had told you that as well. Yeah, he cheated for sure.
He’s a liar. That’s enough for you to leave him
You should get tested. You now know your bf will lie to you. He very likely cheated.
Do you truly think they parted ways? That he felt soooooo guilty over the suit jacket that he needed to confess when he came home? That the friends hate her sooo much because she was just flirty?
The story isn’t adding up. And he let an important detail slip. Because it’s hard to remember the lies you told.
I think this is described as ‘trickle truth’. It’s a way of giving part of the truth in case something comes out, but skewing it so that it doesn’t sound that bad.
It’s more concerning imo that he has been so dishonest, and he’s continuing to be dishonest. It’s inherently untrustworthy, whether he actually slept with her or not.
And regarding cheating – if there was genuinely no physical cheating then something emotional must have happened, because otherwise why did he lie?
He doesn’t want you to go through his phone because he’s guilty but you probably wouldn’t have a problem with him going through yours. He wouldn’t trust you if the roles were reversed. Even his friends acted like it was shady and said something to you so that alone should tell you something.
If the story had happened as he told it, it was almost not worth mentioning. He was trying to cover his ass because he felt guilty and in case you eventually heard anything. Willing to bet that there’s even more to the story because surely that friend don’t see everything. Be prepared for the truth to start trickling.
Drinking at a wedding with a flirty ex all over him all night and then walking back to their rooms together is not a good look.
Can’t say I’ve ever walked a woman back to her hotel room and wasn’t invited in.
His friends don’t know anything beyond after they left together.
You already caught him lying and hiding important additional information. I think the lying is the worst part because how can you trust him now going forward?
He doesn’t want you on his phone because he thinks couples shouldn’t be on each other’s phones.
He only told you a snippet of what happened that night.
You found out a lot more later on down the road.
Why would he bother to even mention the jacket and nothing else?
That raises a red flag for me because it tells me he was guilty and needed a way for you to know something happened but not make you think something happened.
That’s just me though.
This relationship is still in its infantry… I really would take a step back and think hard about who he really is.
If this is the life you want.
Finding out information about him from others rather him being honest and loyal to you too.
Ask him for the phone, if he can’t do it.
Then I’d just move on.
There’s bound to be a text thread in his phone somewhere with her.
First red flag for me was the way he brought up that Beth stole his jacket. It felt like he said “I have something to tell you” then effectively said nothing. Their friends thought it looked like bad “optics”? It’s a jacket, if no one was paying attention no one would know whose jacket it was. It reads like he was prepared for you to be upset about something much worse than a 5th grade bullying tactic.
To me, right off the bat, he came home and lied to you about what happened. A lie of omission, but a lie. And to me, the only way to beat a lie is with open honestly on both sides.
Find a moment where you can both talk. Ideally while neither of you is doing or stressing about anything else. then tell him you need to be open about a worry you’re having, and you need him to be completely honest in turn. Tell him that your takeaway from y’all’s initial discussion was that Beth had ONLY stolen his jacket but that they otherwise hadn’t really interacted. You then found out that was not the case while surrounded by his friends, which made you feel [uncomfortable/shaken/frustrated/betrayed/whatever emotions you are having]. It has made you anxious that there is more to the story than you know, so you’d like him to tell you the story from that night.
Then it’s just about watching his reactions/body language. Does he try to sympathize with you or does he blame/gaslight you? Does he seem defensive or distant? Does he have any tells (for example, fidgeting, inability to make eye contact, excessive stuttering or filler words, etc) when he recounts what happened with his ex?
Unfortunately, there is a possibility he cheated. However, that’s not the only possibility. I think once you are able to watch him react to your conversation in real time it will be more clear if/which boundaries were crossed.
Yikes, he lied to you.
Updateme
He lied. Repeatedly. What more do you need to know? There is no way that he didn’t at least cop a feel and kiss her. Most likely they had sex. He didn’t tell you about her touching him repeatedly. He didn’t tell you about them leaving together. He didn’t tell you he walked her back to her room… now he is telling you that you shouldn’t be able to look at his phone.. nah this guy is a cheater. You have wasted a year on him. Don’t waste anymore time.