We’ve been together for two years, and he’s loving, supportive, and we’re generally aligned in values including being allies to the LGBTQ+ community. But lately, I can’t shake this strange gut feeling that he might be hiding something about his sexuality.
It started with how passionately he talks about LGBTQ+ topics. The first time we discussed it, he dove deep into how people can’t control who they’re attracted to, how nature is fluid, and how love and attraction aren’t always defined by traditional norms. It wasn’t just supportive it felt very personal, almost like he was speaking from experience or deeper understanding.
He’s told me about two close male friends who came out to him as gay. At first, I thought maybe it’s just because he seems non judgmental and open (even though he can be quite opinionated in other areas). But now I wonder do people feel that comfortable opening up to him because he gives off a similar vibe?
A few other things added to my overthinking: • When I asked recently if any girls had been hitting on him, he said, “Not girls, but guys.” He mentioned a guy called him handsome. • We were once talking about Thailand and I brought up ladyboys. He replied that some men go there specifically for them and it was just the way he said it that made me feel uneasy. • I booked him a massage once with a male masseur, and afterward he said it felt “weird,” but kind of smiled and implied the masseur might have been gay. Again, it was more about how he said it than what he said. • On top of that, some of his mannerisms or the way he talks occasionally give me the ick it’s hard to describe, but it feeds into my suspicions.
He tells me often that he loves and adores me, and I do believe he cares for me deeply. But I can’t shake this gut feeling that he might be gay or bisexual and either doesn’t realize it or is keeping it from me.
I don’t want to accuse him or jump to conclusions, but this feeling is starting to affect how I see the relationship. Am I reading too much into things, or is it worth having a deeper conversation? Has anyone else been in a similar situation?
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You may read too much into it or your gut feeling might be right. How is your sex life? Does he make you feel desired? Does it feel like he likes your female body and enjoys and wants sex with you? If he is bi, it honestly is not that big of a deal. Most bi people are not 50/50. Like some bi people are only 20 – 30 percent attracted to the same gender.
Are you intimate?
From my experience with my ex, I had a gut feeling something was going on (cheating on me) and I realised that he had been on WhatsApp recently (he didn’t have WhatsApp on his new phone) I decided to charge his old phone and seen that he was using it when I was out to sext and arrange meet ups with a guy. I confronted him of course and he “doesn’t know, I think I’m bi” I remember having a conversation with a friend (he was there) and I mentioned how o think its disgusting when people are in relationships for years to cover up the fact they’re gay hiding it from their partner and cheating, the way he side eyed he should have been a dead giveaways but alas I stayed for 3 more years after convinced me he “realised he loved me and it was a mistake”. Trust your gut!
I’ve actually been in a very similar situation, and I want to say you’re not crazy, and you’re not homophobic for having these thoughts. You’re just trying to make sense of something that feels off to you, even if you can’t fully articulate it. That gut feeling doesn’t come from nowhere. It’s your intuition noticing patterns before your logic can make sense of them.
When someone you love gives you subtle signs that feel like puzzle pieces not quite fitting the story you’ve been told it’s normal to feel confused, even guilty, for wondering. I’ve learned the hard way that sexuality isn’t always something people fully understand about themselves, especially if they’ve grown up in spaces where it wasn’t safe to question it. Sometimes they don’t even realize they’re holding something in until they’re years deep in a relationship.
That said, what matters most is not accusing, but creating a space where the truth whatever it is can be welcomed. You don’t need to ask him directly if he’s gay or bi. But you can say something like, “Hey, I’ve been feeling some distance lately and I just want us to be able to talk about anything, even the things that are hard or scary.” How he responds to that kind of openness might tell you more than any direct question.
Whether he is or isn’t anything other than straight, your gut is trying to tell you something. Whether it’s about his sexuality, or just that something doesn’t feel aligned anymore that deserves your attention and compassion. You deserve to feel secure, not like you’re quietly doubting the foundation you’re building on.