Very long explanation.
TLDR: my boyfriend treats me great 90% of the time, but can be very irresponsible financially and unreliable. The worse this gets, the more he loses confidence and our relationship suffers and I “nag”. We talk, he says he’ll do better, it repeats. I don’t know what to do since we share a house and pets and I feel stuck if I did decide to leave. But I love him and we had always planned on getting married.
I 24F have been dating my boyfriend 27M for over two years. We have lived together for a year and it was an adjustment but overall I have enjoyed taking that step. We just decided to buy a house and that’s when things took a turn.
His credit turned out to be so messed up from not paying student loans (that he says he was never notified of) we almost lost the house during the buying process. My family helped out as a co-signer so I am technically the owner but we put up the money 50/50. Since then I have been looking deeper into things and found out his license has been expired for 2+ years, his taxes were never paid for 2024 (he is 1099 so he also has no 401k, insurance, etc.). I have repeatedly argued about this but have been told to lay off him/let him worry about it.
We talk about getting married but I am terrified to combine finances. I have a paid off car and a 401k and I am still on my parents insurance. His parents did not teach him these things and he has adhd but I have been so patient I feel like I can’t do it anymore. I don’t know how to trust him to be a responsible adult. I love him and we have so much fun together but I don’t know what to do. I brought up financial pre marriage counseling and he refused immediately I think because he is embarrassed.
Aside from finances the normal issues – I can’t rely on him to keep up with chores when I travel for work, (mow the lawn, scoop dog poop, feed the dogs before noon, trash gets forgotten, dishes, etc). I grocery shop and he eats out. I make a budget and he shops. I know adhd causes impulsivity but I have asked him to make a dr appointment and keep taking the medicine but he forgets or chooses not to.
I am not sure how long to wait around for more slow progress to be made. Possibly irrelevant but he didn’t plan anything for my birthday and got upset when I brought that up. He tends to get emotional and sometimes angry, I think out of embarrassment from not doing what he needs to do. I feel burnt out and want some time on my own but I think that may be the resentment for handling everything with the house for so long. I want an adult partner and I’m not sure I can rely on him to be the husband I want and to raise a family. I also have a dog he takes care of since I travel for work, and we have custom renovated a bedroom for his work so I feel stuck because of that if I did choose to leave. We have talked repeatedly and he continues to say he is doing his best and will get it all handled and he is sorry.
Thanks for reading
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Leave, if he wanted to he would. A house and pets are not valid reasons to stay in a relationship. PS TAKE THE PETS. Men that that don’t change are just boys
You deserve someone who shares your values and who will push you to be your best self. You cannot change this guy and as long as you are acting like his mom, taking responsibility for his life, he will not be able to change himself. Also, based on what you wrote, it’s hard to believe it’s 90% good. You are too young to be saddled with this, it’s tough but don’t waste any more months or years or even weeks waiting for him to be the guy he isn’t.
Take the pets and kick him out. YOU DO NOT WANT TO MARRY HIM UNTIL – AT THE VERY LEAST – HE SETTLES HIS FINANCES. That shit will drag you under faster than anything. If you marry him, you will be responsible for any debt he has. Forgetting about student loans is the biggest fucking lie I’ve ever heard. Nobody forgets they have student loans.
Other than that, do you really want to spend your entire married life nagging him? Cause it’s not going to get better. And he’s not going to do all these things that he’s supposed to do to keep up with the chores, take care of the dogs, etc. Stop making excuses for him and stop dating such shitty people. He’s a shitty boyfriend and a shitty human and why would you want to be drug down by that? You think it gets exhausting now, wait until you have a couple kids with this person who adds absolutely nothing to your life except for stress.
Yes leave(!)…now what are you waiting for?
“I’m doing my best” and “I’ll try” are weasel phrases people use to end these kinds of discussions. They don’t plan to do anything differently. If they wanted to, they would have.
Your frustration and disappointment don’t matter to them. It’s a price they are absolutely willing to pay if it means they don’t have to change their ways and you simply accept that they won’t do anything differently. In their minds, you being upset is YOUR problem, not theirs.
It’s almost like a demoralization tactic. It’s how they condition people to expect as little from them as possible.
Adults shouldn’t have to parent other adults.
You want to be a wife and a mother, not a caretaker to a grown man.
You’ve outgrown this man. Move on and find someone on your level.
It will not get better. He will drag you down with him. I’ve seen it over and over. Guys like this will say everything you want to hear and make it sound good but will never actually follow through. The lies will get worse. The money stuff will get worse. Possibly he’ll let his hygiene slip too.
Seriously just get out don’t waste away with a man child. You could have a partner that stands on their own feet and makes you feel safe, but not while you are stuck.
Absolutely do not ever marry him until there is documented proof that he has repaired his credit and is financially responsible. I wouldn’t even be moving with him. So buying houses with boyfriends. Makes it to easy to play house.