I’ll preface this by saying that I rushed into this relationship during a tumultuous time in my life. I had just lost my job and met him while I was visiting a friend’s city. We definitely rushed into things. We did LDR for 3 months and I moved in with him around the 3 month mark.
He suffered a workplace accident very soon after I moved in, and I had to step up and become something of a caretaker to him. That involved transportation, attending doctor’s appointments with him, taking care of cleaning the apartment and cooking meals, etc. I have a lot of guilt in saying this, but I just harbor some resentment for having to take on so much responsibility so early on. The relationship changed so suddenly and it was a big case of expectations vs. reality. I am glad I have been there to help him, as he otherwise would’ve been living on his own and relying on just his friends for support, but it is very emotionally taxing for both of us. I’ve spent a lot of nights crying myself to sleep.
I have had so much on my plate that my social life has been completely decimated and I rarely left the apartment aside for errands and his doctor’s appointments. I’ve felt very, very deeply lonely. I enjoy his company, but I miss being closer to my family and my previously vibrant social life.
I just recently took the time to go on a 3 week long trip and visit some friends a couple states away (not my hometown). I had a blast and for the first time in over a year, I felt complete and utter relief. I definitely felt a bit guilty for enjoying myself so much and leaving him alone, but he said he had been getting by just fine.
I flew to my hometown on the way back to visit my parents, and I will be staying with them for the next two weeks just to visit. I had some long, hard conversations with them about my relationship, my future, and how difficult the past few months have been. I realized that I just… really want to go back to school, eventually get back into my field of work, go out and have a healthy social life again. I have to admit that I am envious of my friends’ success and level of ‘freedom’. I can’t help but feel trapped and held back. I know he has been trying his best to contribute as much as he can, but I bear most of the responsibility around the house. I am just deeply unhappy and frustrated.
I’ve always been a bit wary of the age gap as well, but that is mostly besides the point. He is older and well established in his career, and now works from home most of the time, occasionally taking the bus or ubering to work a couple times a week since I haven’t been there to drive him. I just know that I want more out of my life, and I want to focus on self improvement for the next few years. I want to find my footing and flourish and I don’t think I can do that for myself while also being in this relationship. I’m still so young and I have the time to achieve more for myself but I have just been so depressed and burnt out. Getting to be around people my age again was so, so refreshing. I don’t know how to feel.
I’m dreading my return. I’ve tried to be as sensitive as possible because I know this is so touchy of a subject and I don’t want him to feel like a burden. I never complain or whine about having to take care of him, but this has just led to me bottling it all up with no outlet. I know that I don’t want to be in this relationship, but I don’t know how to break up with him and also ensure that he’ll have the support he needs to get by. I have been applying for scholarships, applying to colleges since I got back to my parents’ house, and also browsing apartment listings in different cities and dreaming of starting fresh.
How can I have this conversation with him and let him down easy..? How soon is too soon once I get back? I am so scared that I’ll be being a horrible person and totally abandoning him and leaving him behind. I just feel so much shame about wanting ’more’.
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How long have you been together?
No matter how you word it or how gentle it might be, the break-up is gonna hurt a lot. But, you can’t force yourself to stay in a dynamic that makes you unhappy. It’ll cause your resentment to grow and you’ll eventually take it out on him.
And I am not gonna sugarcoat it… the man is gonna feel horrible. He probably already knows how you feel. He most definitely has already picked up on your feelings and state of mind. He probably already feels like a burden. But, both of you need to find a relationship that works for each other.
IF, and I mean IF you plan to try and work it out, maybe give yourself more free time to spend with friends and family. He might be disabled, but he’s not completely useless and/or motionless. As you said it yourself, your BF said he was handling things fine while you were away.
Whatever you choose, stick to it and trust your gut and feelings. Don’t do something you’ll KNOW you’ll regret.
Honestly, you should do it ASAP. Rio the band aid off. Theres no use wasting your time or his time. Unfortunately, he will probably be heartbroken and there will probably be struggles for him, but at this point you need to think about you, not him.
Carer’s burnout is real. I think that’s true regardless, but my advice would be different if this was a 20-year marriage. I see this as him being extraordinarily lucky to have had you in his life when he needed help. You have been a true blessing, but you’re still dating! People are meant to date to gauge compatibility, and it’s clear that with his current health, you guys are not compatible.
I think some guilt is probably understandable, but you need to consider what your own mental health and happiness are worth.
Girl your to young to be held down being a caretaker for a 34 years old, go and study live ur life! There’s only one you get x
Just tell him after some soul searching you feel you need to move on with your life and need to end the relationship. Do not ever put your goals on hold for other people. He is a grown adult, he can figure out all the stuff he needs care with. That is not your responsibility.
He chose to date someone a decade younger than him. Even if he hadn’t had this accident it would have been perfectly reasonable for you to realize you’re in a different place in your life and don’t want to miss out on your youth and opportunities.
You’re not his nurse. You’re not his doctor. You’re not his therapist. You’re not his wife.
He’s too old for you. He’s also old enough to look after himself.
Go live your life
Wether he’s disabled or not if u r unhappy & getting resentful u need to do something about it.
Do it. He’s 10 years older than you. That by itself is a red flag. You have your whole life ahead of you. Tell him you have an opportunity you cannot pass up. That you love him but you have to do this for yourself. Yes, he’s going to be hurt and angry, but you have to do what is right for you and the rest of your life. Don’t sacrifice your own future for a relationship that you rushed into with a man who’s a decade older.
updateme
Everything you are doing is way beyond what I’d expect after 3 months of dating.
You’ve got a hell of a kind heart but this is the point in your life where you really need to be developing your own future.
If he has a job and is established he will be fine, it will just be a matter of adjusting his life to whatever disability he has. His plan for taking care of himself should not be reliant on another person. There are disability tools and ways of approaching his life that will take some adjustment but is completely doable.
I’d recommend helping him set up these solutions and then taking a graceful exit.
If you meet resistance because you’re ‘there and why should he’ explain to him bluntly you will no longer accept being a carer and he needs to adapt now or you will leave him to do it on his own.
Good luck!
Id recommend having your parents fly back with you and they can stay somewhere nearby. You return and have a talk, say you’ve been offered an opportunity to develop a career back home and you’ve decided to take it, naturally this means that you have to end the relationship but you thank him for being the wonderful person he is and wish him all the best. Pack your stuff and have your parents help.
Do you have a job in his City?
This isn’t a love story where you stay with him
Because he’s a good person and you love him
And will do whatever it takes to make it work. Go ahead And leave him and go fulfill your dreams
And stuff. There and plenty Of women out there that will step up in the name
Of love.
Just get it over with and leave. You’ve already been much more kind than many people would have been.
To feel good about leaving, I would need to put things in place to ensure he has all the support he needs once I’m gone.
You’ve done a great thing. You are not obligated to dedicate your life to someone that you never really knew too well to begin with. It’s not like it was a long relationship, with marriage and all the rest. You’ve done your duty, and probably gone far above and beyond.
If anyone wants to insinuate that you’re cruel and abandoning, they are clearly volunteering to take your place.
To ensure he doesn’t feel abandoned, scared and vulnerable, help him put all the things in place that he needs, before you leave.
I’d have the conversation with him as soon as possible too. Give him as long a time to get used to it before you leave. And max. time to put everything that’s needed into place.
Look at your long term options. You’re 24. You either stay with him for the rest of your/his life. This will affect what you do work wise, socially, family – everything. Or you separate and make the life you want.
If you don’t want to be looking after him into old age then you’ll need to end it at some point. I think now is that point. You can’t really do it without hurting him too much because however you frame things the outcome will be the same.
Don’t be blackmailed into staying, even by yourself.
Most people bail out of relationships when a partner gets sick or disabled, men in particular. If being a caregiver breeds resentment and anger, it’s best to leave.
OP’s situation is a good example of why people should not get involved with someone much younger/older than they are and stick to a gap of no more than 5 years. Bigger gaps can work depending on how mature, responsible, and resilient people are or how much love there is.
It doesn’t sound as if there was/is much love in this relationship to begin with. It is/was a relationship of convenience.