My (21F) fiancé and I (24M) just got engaged. Shortly after our engagement, she told me about something she did while we were on a break. While on our break, she had a threesome with another couple that have been friends of ours for the entirety of our relationship. It’s been almost year since we were on that break. She said she had been drinking and that she didn’t remember it until her friend told her it happened. Why did she wait until we were engaged to tell me? I’m so lost and I don’t know what to feel.
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wow.. u must be jealous of your friend for getting it.
if u still love her, i guess to makes things even, u talk to her to get a threesome with ur wife and ur friend’s wife
ain’t no such thing as a break in a relationship, you weren’t together. Do you take issue with the fact that she had a theesome, slept with other people, slept with people you know, or that she didn’t tell you right when it happened? I think it’s important to figure out which part of what happened actually bothers you.
i don’t wanna be crazy here but if she was under 21 and too drunk to remember she had a threesome, your “friends” may have raped your fiance
If she waited until after the ring to tell you, what else might come out later? Can you trust someone who only tells the truth when the stakes are high?
I think she was coming clean with anything that might have come out later before you get married. You were not together during your break so she didn’t cheat. The cringe part is that you know that other couple. You can simply distance yourselves from them from now on. I do not believe she has other skeletons in the closet but you can always ask her.
Engaged or dating, it makes no difference since you haven’t made a legal commitment. Did you agree not to see other people while you were on break? That’s the important thing.
Ummm. It sounds like she was raped? I’d be talking more about why you all are still friends with rapists. I would ask her if she’s actually ok with what happened. And then I’d be talking about removing these people from your lives.
And if she’s not willing to do that, break up. Tell her you’re sorry she got taken advantage of while drunk, but you cannot accept exes, even if it’s a one time deal, or other nasty people like these “friends” in your life with her.
She may not view it as rape as many people blame themselves when they drink too much. It’s clear the other people didn’t drink too much as they told her what happened. So just say a clear boundary is not associating with people either or you have been intimate with.
This is not good. She has recently demonstrated poor judgment. It’s. It like it happened a long time ago. This isn’t looking promising to put it mildly
Fucking cringe.
She and your friends very obviously don’t care about you. Grow a fucking spine, cancel wedding, and live your life. You’re young af, you have many more opportunities to find a person.
You have to figure out what exactly is bothering you. Is you weren’t together, then what is the issue with her having a threesome? But there are a lot of valid points here:
If you love her, move forward as best you can. But I need you to consider that her threesome might not have been as innocent as the “friend” says. She may have been coerced or hell, if she doesn’t remember it, who is to say it actually happened? Could these friends be making it up?
You weren’t together. She’s entitled to screw who she wants when you aren’t together. She told you so everythign would be out in the open which is the ethical thing to do. You’re both too young to get married if this is an issue.
I’d dump her…permanently…no breaks…
This is why breaks should just be break ups. So are you still engaged? Take a break to work on herself. Getting every hole stretched out and ready for marriage. Maybe you can join in on the next break. Good luck at the wedding party. Awkward
What’s problematic is the confession came after the commitment. If you knew about the threesome would you have proposed? Would you have even restarted the relationship? I think she withheld the information on purpose, then only confessed when she felt she could no longer keep it a secret. I also believe she remembers the event very well and is trying to minimize it so as to keep you on the hook.
Bro anytime you go on a break in a relationship, make it permanent.
“I want a break” translated: I want to see if I can do better than you. If I can’t I’ll let you know.
She kept that shit from you on purpose because she knew you’d break up with her if you knew the truth. She thinks you’re too emotionally invested to end it now and after reading your post…I have a feeling she’s right.
She didn’t have to tell you, but she did anyways, so to me there’s some value with that. Would you prefer that she never told you and kept it a secret?
OP, I assume that you kept the receipts for the rings? And I hope that she didn’t put up too much of a fuss when asked to return hers? Just tell her that you were too drunk when you proposed. And do thank her for the sobering revelation.
Why do you think she wait until after you were engaged? She had to tell you in case your “friends” spilled the beans.
Im confused as to why you are engaged so young after your relationship was rocky enough that it needed a break less than a year ago.
One wonders why you two went on break. Way too many stories of someone arranging to be on break specifically so that what they get up to while on break doesn’t count as cheating.
I don’t agree with the rather simplistic principle that what happens on break stays on break. That kind of thing absolutely can figure into the decisions about whether to end break or make it permanent. Things that would be dealbreakers if disclosed in a timely fashion don’t stop being dealbreakers merely because decisions were made in a vacuum.
Poor her. You need to support her to go to rape crisis centre for counselling. Can take people a long time to realise they have been raped but sounds like she was far too drunk to have been able to consent. Be empathetic and don’t make her feel more shame than she already does about this rape.
Because she was afraid you would leave, and to be fair, you were on a break…so unless that break was defined as monogamous she never needed to tell you.
It’s not a big deal. I hope you can see that.
Sounds like the couple are predators and your fiancé needs a therapist to work through what really happened and to navigate her feelings on it.
You should show her support, not judgement.
Cancel the wedding. Doesn’t matter if you were on a break or not, go with how you feel about it because you won’t forget it. She can act as she likes on a break? You can also deliver whatever consequences you like for the change in history and relationships.
That she doesn’t remember a threesome with friends is BS. She told you because someone else was planning to deliver the truth to you when they heard of the engagement.
Updateme!
What actually bothers you with the whole thing? Did you two agree to NOT see or sleep with others during the break? If yes, I see no problem here. Except for the fact that you know the other couple.
If no agreement were held, the fact that you were on a break when it happened shouldn’t matter at all.
But what’s worrisome here is that she was drunk and has no recollection of what happened. That’s assault, isn’t it?
If she could not consent, this was a crime. Is she reporting the crime? Why are we associating with the predatory couple? They prey upon young drunk girls? Sounds fishy.
If she doesn’t remember it , it may not of been consensual.
How old is the couple? If she was drunk to the point of not remembering – she was not able to consent to that. Most likely didn’t tell you out of denial or shame. But doesn’t change the matter at hand you have to make a decision, but I’d look deeper into the environment of that situation, sounds pretty concerning and your “friends” should be held accountable if that’s the case.
Drinking and don’t remember having a threesome?? Highly doubtful. More of a case of selective memory I’d say. Now she can claim she didn’t agree to rhe sex party.
You leave. She literally lied and your mutal friends around you are not good for you. She knew what she was doing. Having self-respect is part of self-care. Its gonna suck but its better to learn and move on.
Wow, I don’t know why it shocked me to see so much shaming and potential victim blaming in these comments.
OP, you should ask her how she feels about what happened. Victims of rape and sexual assault often times do not want to admit what happened to them until much later. It’s possible this is something she’s been grappling with on her own for ~a year and was too afraid to tell you. When I was raped, I had bruises and cuts and hematomas. I was 19. I went home and hid it from my mom by hiding in my bedroom and sleeping for a few days, hoping I would start to heal up and I could pretend it never happened. That’s not how things went. I had to call one of my best friends and he took an hour and a half long bus ride to come get me and help me get to the hospital because I could not walk on my own, swelling and the hematomas were just getting worse, etc. I was trying so hard not to tell my mother what happened to me, even when I was physically in bad shape, and only told her when I had no choice because I had been in the hospital for hours and my friend and I needed a way to get back to my house. I had to have her come pick us up when I got discharged finally. I would have kept my situation to myself, but I couldn’t walk for over a month and my friends were starting to wonder where I was so I felt I had to open up about it and tell them. That didn’t make it any less embarrassing for me, and once I was physically healed up, the mental part flooded in (probably because I didn’t have to take opiate pain medication anymore) and had me messed up literally for years.
Point being, rape and sexual assault are really difficult to talk about, especially so close to the incident. There is a lot of self-blame, mentally reliving the scenario to try and figure out what you could have done differently, being upset with yourself for having a natural fight/flight/freeze response to danger, etc. Thank God your girlfriend’s situation was not something where she was physically harmed, but if she was drunk (especially blackout drunk), she could not reasonably consent and that is rape….. If she acknowledges that she was raped, that’s going to come with a lottttt of crazy feelings for her to process and she will need you to be very supportive. If she does not acknowledge that she was raped, then I don’t know. On one hand, she may still be struggling to accept it and is treating it like a bad day that she just wants to put behind her. On the other hand, it may mean that her story about being blackout drunk and not remembering it is bs. You know her better than we Redditors do. You’ll have to trust your gut and your judgment to decide if you believe her story or not at that point.
It’s always during a “break” aka they take the break because they Wanna do it. And she didn’t remember until Her friend brought it up? Yeah, no. Kinda hard to forget a threesome. I remember every minute of the ones I had decades ago. She’s telling you now Because she knows someone’s
Gonna tell you. Is this the kind of person
You want to marry? It’s not To late to call It off. Get the ring back tho