edit my wife is not a drinker and does not have a drinking problem, this was a one off party so rehab isn’t necessary here. she was laughing about it when I woke her because she’s hammered still
I work in the emergency services and do shifts. Today whilst I was working late whilst my Wife was going to a shop opening party with her friends and have some drinks etc.
Whilst I’m at work dealing with some incidents I get a text from one of her friends stating she is the drunkest she’s ever been and in a bad way, but that her boyfriend has taken them both home. This is setting alarm bells off in my head and I had a terrible feeling something bad was going to happen.
My shift finished and I raced home, I can see the bathroom light on from the driveway. I go in and she’s not downstairs and all other lights are off apart from the bathroom. I’m calling her name and there’s no response. I get upstairs open the bathroom door and find her passed out, naked in the bath face down. I genuinely thought she’d drowned. Her phone was in the bottom of the bath and so was the bath tray. I was shouting and shaking her and luckily her nose and mouth weren’t in the water, she woke up and was completely incoherent laughing about it being funny. I helped her out of the bath and put her to bed trying to stress how bad this could have been.
I’m feeling so many emotions and I don’t know how to approach this tomorrow, I’m angry her friends and family have allowed her to get like this, I’m angry she’s got like this herself, I’m grateful she hasn’t drowned when she probably should’ve. I feel so fucking angry but grateful at the same time, but literally everything could’ve changed in my life today. Please help me approach this as it needs to be approached with everyone involved, how can I do this?
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
She needs rehab, sorry, I hope she will cooperate
Her friends and family are not to blame. She did this to herself. She’s an adult. She needs rehab ASAP. Not a promise to never drink again, or that she’ll only have one beer next time, or anything else. Rehab.
If she’s not an alcoholic then just speak to her when she is sober and explain your point of view. If she only drinks occasionally it shouldn’t be hard for her to set some boundaries around who she drinks with and what her limit is.
Not on the rehab train as most of the other jump to conclusion comments.
Use this as a teaching lesson with her as to the dangers of being overly intoxicated in or around water. Also a lesson for her friends to not dump someone so intoxicated off without any supervision.
Even if she doesn’t drink often she has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol in order to get to this point. Alcoholism isn’t just about constant drinking, it’s about taking risks while you’re drinking to the point of danger.
Now that she’s sobered up, does she still find it funny?
How often does she take risks where you have to be the adult in the situation?
If this is a one off incident then talk to her. Tell her how fucking terrifying it was to find her in that state and how badly it’s affected you. It’s damaged your trust, scared the shit out of you etc. she is 100% to blame. She is an adult. Nobody forced her to get that wasted. Hopefully she will grow up and learn.
Talk to her and explain how scared you were
I think you’ve got a few options. I know you’re angry, but she probably doesn’t even remember any of it (let alone the laughing at you).
Leading the conversation with your vulnerability “I genuinely thought you’d died, I was heartbroken” and working together to find ways to make sure it never happens again.
It’s also worth reaching out to those friends to have the “Hey, this happened and next time could you please not leave her alone?” talk.
Quit being in denial that she has a problem. Coherent adults don’t get piss drunk and laugh off something like their significant other thinking they’re dead.
I’d break up with her. Red flags flying all over the place.
I think she was ruffied. You should start calmly by asking how much she drank. If she says 1-2 then she was drugged and should probably file a police report.
But if she says she got carried away and agreed to lots of drinks and maybe shots – maybe she is so inexperienced that she didn’t realize how it would affect her. This happened to me my first week in college bc I was inexperienced. Luckily I was fine and learned my lesson.
You need to tell friends and family who were there what happened, and if she gets that drunk again, she isn’t to be left alone. It’s extremely reckless and dangerous.
Tomorrow, you have a really serious conversation with your wife. She could have died. There is no laughing this off.
I’m sorry. That must have been terrifying.
“Drunkest she’s ever been,” doesn’t sound like a one-time thing. Did something happened that she needed to drink that much? Could someone have put something in her drink?
How to deal with it will vary person to person. Sit quietly and cry? Talk to one of the counselors at work who does the critical incident stress debriefing? (That is probably a smart choice) Go for a run or a swim for a while? Talk to a friend?
Obviously you can’t talk to your wife until she is sober and you are calm. That will be tomorrow. You just have to get through tonight. Three Stooges is sort of soothing for awful days.
Is there a possibility that she was slipped something? I myself am a former and still struggling alcoholic and I was able to hide it very very well until my bf found me in a similar situation. The best thing is to talk to her friends and family first to gauge what happened fully, and then have a sit down with her and just ask her to be honest and open. Does she remember the drinks she had? At what point did she black out? Does she even remember being home? And most importantly, does she drink in secret, make sure you reassure her that you won’t be mad, nothing but support, and if she isn’t just make sure she knows you’re just making sure she’s okay mentally. I wish you the best bc I’ve been her before
She’s an adult. She obviously made bad choices. Talk to her about it. Unless she was drugged she did it to herself. It’s her fault. That’s it.
Explain to her how did you feel when you find her.
If you open Up with “you could have died” she Will get defensive, because body want to think about dying. But if you tell her how much she scared you, and how awful you feel, she nay listen.
Nothing about this was funny. However, your wife was responsible for her actions, not her friends. Her friend alerted you to the situation, which is really all she could do. The staff at the restaurant shouldn’t have served her if she was so obviously intoxicated.
The best bet would be to sit down with her once she sobers up and discuss with her what happened. If you work in emergency services, you are bound to know places she can go to get treatment if this is a regular thing. She could be extremely embarrassed by her actions and is trying to make light of them.
Let her know how you found her and how you were in fear that she was deceased. It does happen and she lucked out.
Things like this happen OP, they’re part of what makes life fun and interesting. No need to blame anyone and you clearly said she’s not alcoholic and rehab isn’t needed, it’s just a one off. Let her know you got scared and it shouldn’t happen again, she also probably realised now how bad she can be with alcohol. Relax and have a nice long weekend mate
OP this sounds so, so scary and im sure it brought up so much trauma if you work in the emergency services too.
I’d be absolutely terrified too and you’re totally valid in your reaction.
Personally, to begin with, I’d note that there’s going to be 2 huge things at play in the next 48 hours. 1. Your adrenaline and 2. Her hangover. It doesn’t matter who is in the right or wrong, this 48 hours is going to be a potent mix of your adrenaline, anger, stress response, trauma, and everything else. That might clash with the natural effects of her hangover we all know and hate- ‘the fear’, anxiety, sinking feeling, brain fog, nausea… etc.
All this to say: you absolutely need to have a serious chat about it. That situation was not safe. Not only that, but you have just gone through something really distressing. This could be something that you process together and come out stronger for. ‘For a moment I thought I lost you and I realised that I couldn’t imagine life without you’ is a very real feeling and hits hard. But there’s also, rightfully, a feeling of anger. Lead with openness. ‘I know there’s some of my job that made me react in a certain way. But it was really, really scary for me and i still feel shaken up about it’ is honest, vulnerable, and begins the conversation on a footing of openness. ‘The day after, I felt angry, as the adrenaline wore off I realised that I was actually feeling annoyed at you, that you had gotten i to this situation. We all party a bit too hard sometimes. What can we do next time to make this safer?’ And perhaps thats knowing limits with alcohol, or making sure there’s someone to come home to. I think going straight in with ‘You drink too much’ risks the conversation becoming about generalisations and will be likely to generate defensiveness. Keep it specific and honest.
But ultimately, maybe take a little time if you can first, before having the big talk about this one. Let all the panic chemicals cool down a bit, let her get back to base level after her wild booze bender (no shame… we’ve all been there) then talk.
All the best OP and im just so glad she’s ok.
She could have been spiked
If she doesn’t remember how she got in the tub, I’d suggest a drug panel and rape kit asap. I don’t know anyone who’s ever been that drunk who got home and filled a tub instead of crawling into bed.
Based on your comments, she doesn’t ever really drink and not an alcoholic.
Maybe she didn’t eat during the day what so ever and then went out and had way too many drinks?
Definitely you need to talk to her when she’s feeling better but know your feelings are valid.
I once had a busy day, didn’t eat what so ever. My husband and I went to a BBQ where my hostess made she and I margaritas, I had 2 and seriously was so drunk. Thankfully I had my husband with me,the 2 day hangover was incredibly painful.
Also turns out she misread the serving shots and the 2 Margaritas were actually 6 ozs of alcohol.
Was she drugged at the party?
You just have to ask her to talk and explain your experience.
I think this is one of those things where you need to take several deep breaths and take things one minute at a time. You just witnessed one of the most terrifying things, but you don’t even know the full story because she isn’t sober enough to tell you.
If your wife rarely drinks and this one time has gotten so drunk that she somehow ended up passed out in the bathtub face down- is it possible she was drugged?
Maybe reach out to her best friend. Ask her how much she drank, and how they left her when they took her home.
I use the shit sandwich. Start with how much you love her and appreciate her. Tell her how scared you were and upsetting it was to you. Tell her what you need if she plans to go out drinking. Reaffirm her why you love her. Focus on the relationship.
You mentioned she is also a paramedic.
It is easy to slip into alcoholism dealing with PTSD.
Please don’t discount this. I was married to an EMT and it became an untenable situation.
She needs help maybe not rehab but counseling.
Your concerns are 100% valid. Speak to her seriously tomorrow about her drinking and how it got to that level.
As you said its a once off and the friend even said she never seen her like this.
It will, if anything, be a learning lesson for her and something that hopefully doesn’t happen again.
Rehab, like others suggested is a bit extreme at this point.
All you can do no is express your concerns and how serious it could have been. Next step is hers to take.
If it starts to become a pattern then you have a problem.
I would be furious at the friends who left her in such a vulnerable state, what the fuck
>edit my wife is not a drinker
You literally said in the comments she drinks maybe once a week.
She could’ve been drugged.
I’d focus on how scared you were, what finding her was like, how you felt, etc. Basically, how her actions affected you, and stress that you 100% thought she was dead, how that physically/mentally/emotionally felt for you. Then maybe walk through the anger that came after about how she could put herself in that situation.
You have a right to be angry, but coming at her with anger will likely only make her defensive, especially since she probably won’t even remember what happened. If you come at her with fear and concern and don’t hold back about how truly terrified you were, then hopefully that will sink in better. If she dismisses your concerns (once sober) then that’s a whole other issue.
Then after all this, maybe implement some rules around drinking.
Her friends that got her home should have made sure she made it into the house and got into bed. They should have also texted or called you to let you know the condition she was in.
With that said, she is responsible for knowing her limitations when it comes to drinking and take responsibility for it.
I know youre very angry right now, but i think that empathy is the way to go forward. Like a parent who found their teenager drunk lol my mom was so kind to me about it and it had a muchh bigger positive impact on me than if she had been mad. Yes, tell her how it scared you and how your job made it even worse because you see horrible things every day. But also, its so easy to get too drunk, especially if you arent used to drinking. She didnt do it on purpose, she fucked up, and she will most likely feel very bad about it. The way she handles it will be important, but she will handle it better if you come from a place of kindness and care than if you come from a place of anger.
This is absolutely terrifying, and I would be livid at whoever just brought her home and left her there, but this sounds a hell of a lot more like “her drink was spiked” than “she somehow did fifteen shots in half an hour without anyone noticing”
My father’s friend’s family went through something similar except tragically he really was dead from alcohol poisoning. Your wife needs intense psychiatric care, she’s a sick bully. Please rethink your marriage.
It’s time for her to stop drinking, permanently.
Updateme!
Fear presents as anger a lot of the time. You’ll still be angry in a few days (you should be) but you won’t be this level of raging because the fear will have subsided. And you give it a few days before you deal with it, so that your body has calmed down and your brain can lead the conversation. You’ll be okay. She’ll be okay. There’s no reason you have to talk about it tomorrow. Go do the things that usually calm you down – walk, shower, run, listen to music.
It’s disturbing to see multiple comments carefully trying to suggest the possibility of something having been slipped in her drink being downvoted, when it’s clear from the history that she doesn’t typically behave like this, and that as a paramedic she is fully aware of consequences.
Why is this so improbable to you, do you really think this shit doesn’t happen? Does it have to happen to you before you can comprehend it?
Putting that aside for one second though, I get how upset OP is, and why. Just – try and have a little compassion and open mindedness to hear your wife out without going all Hulk Smash on your relationship like some of the commenters seem to want. Even if it’s completely her mistake and her fault, compassion is so much more likely to help her change this behavior than anger.
I’m sure as a paramedic you already know that women metabolize alcohol differently than men, so that if she hadn’t eaten much, for example, her ability to judge her impairment would compromised and if someone is egging her on and handing her drinks then wham it’s lights out before you know it. And as someone who doesn’t drink that much she isn’t going to have much of a tolerance.
OP, correct me if I’m wrong, did your wife recollect that her friends left her that way or does she remember how she got in the bath tub? I apologize in advance if I misread, but as someone who regrettably has been in this position, I would refrain from jumping to conclusions because the only fact is that her friend / friends bf had driven her home, which was the right thing to do to start.
I would verify that this wasn’t her own attempt to sober up before you came home. At the very least thank them for the ride, but pushing ‘common sense’ (especially with you as an EMT with this knowledge of it could have been) isn’t going to help. Pointing the finger will just start a guilt and blame train.
Stress to your wife that you don’t like the idea of what could have occurred and if it happens again to contact you or something of the nature (if that makes you feel better). Your wife is no one’s responsibility but her own and, arguably, yours. I’ll leave it like that .
People don’t tend to randomly get this drunk. I have never been this drunk in my life, nor would I ever want to.
I think the conversation needs to be brutally honest. Not unkind, but lay out for her all the emotions you’ve felt. The terror, the anger, the trauma of finding her that way. Do not let her diminish or excuse this. How would she feel if that was you, face down in the tub?
approach her with grace and concern, that the ppl around her mishandled the whole situation. they shouldn’t have left her home by herself because look what they forced you to walk into due to their own negligence knowingly your wife was incoherent
Keep to yourself and don’t talk until you’re ready
who was the “boyfriend”? any possibility she was drugged?
Explain to her how close she came to actually dying and how traumatic it was for you to walk in on her like that. Discuss how you’re not comfortable with her drinking that much ever again and, since she can’t be counted on to be responsible while drunk, you don’t trust her to drink without supervision, at least for a while.
You tell your partner that you need to have a conversation with her, and you schedule that conversation. Literally schedule it. We’re going to talk on Friday at 5 PM, and I need you to set aside the evening for us please.
When you approach somebody about their behaviour that has caused you harm, it’s important to understand that many people will become defensive. Be prepared for this, and speak and eye statements. It’s very important that you have an idea of what you’re going to say and how you’re going to say it. Don’t frame the conversation as what she did wrong, frame the conversation as how her behaviour made you feel. I’m going to give you a couple of examples.
Wrong way:
“ you’re so selfish for drinking that much, and causing all of this stress and worry.”
Right way:
“ when I found you unconscious in the bathtub, I was terrified because I thought you were dead. Can you understand what that may have been like for me?”
Wrong way:
“ I can’t believe you did this. You’re so irresponsible. How could you ever treat me this way?”
Right way:
“I have concerns about why you drank as much as you did. I would like to understand why this happened, and I would like you to understand that it can never happen again. Can you please help me understand?”
You have to decide what the goal of the conversation is before you have the conversation. I think the goal of the conversation should be mutual understanding, and hopefully some accountability on her part. There’s nothing you can do to control whether or not she takes accountability, but you can hold her accountable by sharing how her actions have impacted you.
When we give somebody relational feedback, or there is conflict this serious between two people in a relationship… It’s important that you understand the process of resolution and repair. If you’re not familiar with resolution and repair, go ahead and do some research and learn about these things before you have the conversation. I strongly recommend The content creator, Jimmy on relationships who does some great role-playing on how to approach conflict in the healthiest way possible. You can also check out the Goman Institute for great information about conflict, how to move through conflict as a team, seek resolution and how to repair. The Gottman are a very famous Therapist. Couple who have studied attachment theory for many decades, and have led the field and healthy relationship for decades. They’re a fantastic resource, and their resources are generally all free.
So, what you really wanna get to through this conversation is going to be resolution and repair. This is where both people in the relationship feel heard and understood, and both people’s feelings perspectives and experiences are acknowledged, validated, and understood. In advance, it may be helpful for you to write out what exactly it is. You want your partner to understand, and what exactly it would take for you to really feel that she had understood what you need and are expressing.
This isn’t going to be an easy conversation, but even difficult conversations can be good conversations.
Stick to only the one topic, and do not deviate from the topic.
If you find yourself becoming regulated, take a 20 minute break. You can take this at any point in time. Simply get up and say, “I need 15 to 20 minutes to calm down, and I will be back at that time.“ And take the time that you need and the space that you need, to regulate yourself. Just focus on nervous system regulation and grounding techniques, and do not concern yourself with trying to understand your feelings, or what you’re going to say next, or anything like that. The whole purpose of that break, is just to regulate your nervous system system, which means experiencing your feelings, but not engaging with them. It means having thoughts, but not engaging with them. Just focus on breathing techniques and other grounding techniques that you learn in advance.
No, when to give up. If your partner is too defensive to hear you, do not raise your voice so that they hear you. If your partner is not able to hear you, do not explain yourself more. If your partner is not able to hear you, except that this is what is happening at this point in time and shut down the conversation. “OK, I can see that this is two activating for both of us, and we’re not able to hear each other right now. Let’s pause this conversation and come back to it. 24 hours from now.” if you need to take some space at this point, that would be reasonable. Just make sure that if you are taking space, you clearly articulate how much space you’re taking it, why you’re taking it and that the space is about you needing to feel regulated and safe, and is not a form of punishment.
When you have the conversation, do not over explain yourself. Be direct. Speak to the point. Speak only about that one point. And then give space for your partner to respond and process. Expect that your partner will be upset. Remember that the purpose of the conversation is not for you to soothe her, it’s not for you to be soothed, it is to come up with a resolution and repair the rupture in the relationship that was created by this very potentially traumatic situation that ended well, but could have been much different.
If this is unusual behaviour, have you considered that someone spiked her drink?
I know that you know this, but if she drank a lot on an empty stomach, that’d do it. Hormones play a factor, too, depending on where you are in your cycle. I am glad she’s ok.