I (25F) am feeling anxious around my girlfriend (30F)
My girlfriend (30F) and I (25F) are long distance, so we see each other when we can — usually four to five times a year, for long periods of time, like 1-2 weeks — and the last year has been great, ever since we’ve been together. We have also lived together for two months because I was doing my internship in the same city she works in, and while we had some issues for the first month, because I got pneumonia and cracked a rib, the second month passed with flying colours.
The last time I went there (which was two weeks ago) I got sick again. Initially I thought it was only stomach flu, but as it turns out it was actually gastritis. The thing is, after I understood it was a little bit serious, I wanted to go home to seek proper medical help. When I told my girlfriend, she flipped out and reacted very angrily, telling me that if I went home she would reconsider our relationship, that she wouldn’t know how she would react (mind you, she suffers from depression so my mind went immediately to SH or something even worse) and that she saw that as abandonment, but I couldn’t bear the thought to stay there because I was physically sick and getting more anxious by the minute.
Let me explain why I was anxious. I suffer in general from anxiety, I have for the past two years, and I’ve done therapy for it, but never took any medication because my therapist didn’t think I needed it. Only supplements with chamomile and relaxing stuff like that. When we (my girlfriend & I) took a trip last year I got a fever, but she kept insisting it was just psychological. When I got home, I had to take antibiotics to make the fever go away. Even when I had pneumonia she didn’t think I had it, she thought I was just being paranoid about my health. She took me to the ER anyway, got X-rays done which showed that I had, in fact, pneumonia. And a cracked rib.
When I realized I was sick again, I think I became anxious because she kept trying to minimize my symptoms again, even if she was physically taking care of me (cooking food for me, getting medication).
The thing is, right now the thought of going over there absolutely terrifies me. I feel frozen and I start feeling panicked, because I don’t want to go. I’m not sure if I should let this go, or if I will ever be able to let it go, because I have this gut feeling in my stomach that when I’m within her presence, now, I’m not in a safe space.
I have talked to her about this and told her how I feel right now and she is, justifiably, heartbroken, because she realises that if this problem doesn’t go away, there isn’t much space for growth in the relationship.
I thought I could try FaceTiming her to see how I would feel, but even that thought gives me anxiety. I will try to do it anyway, even if I don’t feel like it at the moment.
What do you think? What would you do in my situation? I’m not sure how I can work on this to stop this feeling of impending doom and also save the relationship.
TL;DR: A series of events where I didn’t really like how my girlfriend behaved led to me feeling anxious around her, to the point I don’t feel like seeing her so much anymore.