I (25F) and my boyfriend (32M) have been together for 6 months now and were close friends for about a year prior to the relationship. The relationship started out pretty smooth, normal honeymoon phase stuff. However about a month or so in, I started finding out about some long term lies and more recent events that kind of threw things for us. The first one was that he was talking to another girl before we got together and lied to me about it. They were talking/going on dates for about a year and a half. Well the only thing he ever told me about her was that it was one date and he called her a “floosy” which now that I have all the facts is extremely disrespectful. I ended up getting in contact with her since he wouldn’t be honest or upfront and claimed he just couldn’t remember which is some bs. There were multiple dates, she told him very explicitly that she loved him, he drug her along and claimed to feel the same but wouldn’t commit and it was just a lot of drama. He also was talking to both of us at the same time at one point and telling us the exact same thing. She also wasn’t even off of his phone until I asked who she was.
The next incident was with a friend he’s known for about a decade or more now. 12 ish years. So apparently 8 or 9 years ago they tried dating but it just didn’t stick and they remained friends after. Well while me and him were just friends he claimed that if he wasn’t married by the time it was possible to move back home, that he wanted to go home and try to make it work with her and have a family. I honestly forgot about that part until later on. When we got together, I asked if he still had feelings or if she still had feelings and he said neither did so I was fine with the friendship staying, a little uncomfortable but accepting of it. One day she starts texting him, essentially blowing up about him ignoring her and claiming it’s all because he probably met someone. So it was pretty clear he didn’t even tell her about me at 2 months into the relationship. It became obvious that at the very least she still had feelings and was being led on. He admitted to using her all this time as a back up and attention source whenever he wasn’t in a relationship. So now she is gone. Those two occurrences, I forgave and more or less chopped it down to he was single for 3 years and wasn’t used to someone wanting a real, honest relationship.
The third thing though I have yet to forgive. I won’t give too many details but essentially, a problem that caused a lot of trauma in my past relationships happened and he lied to me but not only did he lie, he reassured me extensively about it. It wasn’t cheating or anything along those major relationship problems but it was a boundary I set and it was broken. Since then, he breaks down during serious conversations and almost stonewall me because he is too in his head. I don’t get reassured even after asking him for it and giving him very direct ways that he could help me feel better about everything. Essentially the effort has just been removed.
There are other small things like his ego, not stepping up like I think he should, certain other things but I feel like they can still be discussed and worked through.
So to get to the point, my problem now is that I am unsure on if this is really a healthy situation or not. Before my boyfriend, I was with a man for 4 years that constantly abused me and even before him, life has been pretty rough. My boyfriend is the first person I’ve been with who I genuinely feel safe around and like myself. He validates my feelings and never puts me down or degrades me. We have never yelled at each other and always been able to maintain a respectful tone even during arguments. This is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in but i know that doesn’t always mean it’s a good situation. I want things to work but I also can’t keep putting myself aside for him and feel like I’m not being taken serious or being fully committed to. Any advice or perspective would be greatly appreciated. Thank you and I apologize for the long post.
TL;DR I 25F can’t figure out if my 6 month relationship is actually healthy for me or just better than my past.
Comments
Paragraphs will likely get you more/better advice.
If you have 4 long paragraphs on why you aren’t ok with the relationship, you don’t need strangers validating it.
Being genuinely nice and respectful doesn’t change the fact that he doesn’t take accountability for his own behavior. And he’s demonstrated his refusal to be responsible and accountable in the face of criticism. That’s not healthy and mature at all……and it won’t improve as the relationship lasts longer. People have to see where they are messing up, and then genuinely commit to changing and doing the work. Your relationship may now feel safe because you’re not being abused like your past relationship, but dishonesty is still a form of abuse. So, in one hand you’re safe, but you’re not safe.
Ultimately you are with someone who has lied to you multiple times, since the beginning of your relationship, has admitted to manipulating and lying to other women as well. If you’re not sure if you’re in a healthy relationship or not, the answer is no, you aren’t. You are still settling for less than basic expectations, like honesty.
I didnt have to read the whole thing to tell you to leave.
I did, just to be thorough, but it was painful.
Better than past trauma isn’t enough. He’s shown a pattern of lying and emotional unavailability. You deserve more.
I read very briefly and honestly just by that I can tell this guy is not worth your time. Sometimes in life your common sense has to be stronger than your feelings, and it’s very much possible. Lies are lies, no matter what they are. And that is a very telling factor about the type of person he is. If you can lie naturally and get away with it for long as he did, it’s engraved in them to be a sneaky liar. So not only is the bigger picture the fact he’s lies several times but also who he is as a person. Do you really think that low of yourself to be with someone like that? Look after yourself.
Only six months in and you have several things that would be deal breakers for a healthy relationship
No, this is not one