So me and my boyfriend haven’t been together long, only a few months.
Recently, he moved into his own apartment so we’ve been spending much more time together physically. I’ve been staying over at his and going to work from there or working from home from there. It’s been really fast compared to a lot of relationships but good for us.
We are deeply in love but have struggled with some recent disagreements. For example, he plays a game for 3 hours every week or twice a week.
I knew that and that’s fine, I like my me time. However, yesterday I was really tired. I tried really hard to stay up so we could spend some time together before bed though. It got to 11:15pm (he was due to finish at 11pm) and he was next door gaming and hadn’t told me he was going to be late. I went through to get some stuff ready to work from home tomorrow and he wasn’t even online with his friends anymore.
He claimed he’d finished a few minutes before but it made me feel rejected and like he didn’t want to spend time with me and I was dragging him back.
When we discussed it, it took me about an hour to talk about because I knew it was stupid to be mad about and I wanted to wait until I could say that it made me sad and I wanted him to text or come through to tell me he’d be late in future. He said I was being a bit silly which hurt.
After a lot of discussing, I asked if there was anything more he wanted to say- I didn’t want to explicitly resolve it there and then as I knew he had work the next day I just wanted him to say he loved me and hug me and all he said was he was tired.
That really hurt. We ended up talking about it a bit later as he took a few minutes to himself and came back and talked about it. We both apologised and are good now.
I don’t know how to avoid this and make it better in future. I really don’t want to lose him or drive him away because of the trauma I’ve had in relationships in the past making me overly emotional during things like this
TLDR; staying together, having disagreements. Unsure how to avoid this in future
Comments
Why do you go there on nights that he wants to game? If you know he’ll be unavailable while playing for 3+ hours, you should just sleep at your own place.
I understand why you got upset that he didn’t immediately pivot from him gaming to spend time with you, if that had been the plan. But also, you had some other options. For example, you could have walked over at 11 and asked if he was ready to hang out. Or, if you were too tired to stay up until 11pm without getting grumpy about it, you could have let him know that and gone to bed earlier.
Something also to consider: Is he flexible with time? He may not have thought that he was “late.” If he thinks that “11” and “11:15” are basically the same time, then that’s a difference y’all will both want to be aware of and decide how to manage.
Did he know that you were waiting up for him so that you could spend time together before bedtime? Because the way it’s written it sounds like you put your own needs aside, without him asking or expecting you to, but also didn’t communicate your expectations to him. That is a you problem and honestly IS silly. The way to solve this for future is to be very open and honest about your needs/desires. “Hey, I’m super tired but I want to spend some time with you before bed. Can you end gaming early/ take a break from your gaming to hang?”
If you are in the middle of an argument you can say “hey, I don’t think we’re going to resolve this right now but we can chat about it more tomorrow. I love you and I’d just like a hug right now.” Right now you’re getting upset because you want things from him that he doesn’t know what you want and therefore he can’t meet them.
This honestly sounds super normal when you first start spending so much time together. You’re just adjusting to each other’s routines. Wanting a quick text or hug isn’t silly at all, that’s just how you feel cared for. It’s good you both apologized, but he should learn from it so it doesn’t keep happening — communication and small gestures matter a lot.
I would say you’re probably just in an adjustment period as a couple. Your relationship is still fairly new and the added closeness is going to be uncomfortable at first. You each have seperate lives that you’re trying to blend and finding the balance will take some time. I wouldn’t take this first instance too personally. It’s only an issue if it becomes a pattern of behavior.
Maybe just schedule certain times during the week you’ll make time for eachother. And be patient, it’s an adjustment and adjustments can be stressful even if ur in love. Ask eachother what you each need from the other to feel seen and cared for that day
It sounded like you were looking for reassurance and connection, while he wanted to relax without emotional pressure. Maybe reflect on what could help next time. For example, could he say, ‘I’ll be 15 minutes over then add a heart’? What would help you feel less rejected while still respecting his need?
a few months and you already want to live together?