For context, my boyfriend and I do not live together. He lives an hour outside the city I live in. EDIT TO ADD: I also have two roommates.
He just got back from a week long trip to Europe. He came to my house, by train, before his trip because I live near the airport he was flying in and out of. When he got back, he texted and said he wasn’t feeling well. I suggested he go right home by train from the airport. He could not because he had left some things here that he needs including his work laptop. So, he came to my house and while he was taking a recovery shower and nap, I washed, dried, and folded all of his laundry from the trip (mainly because I have an intense fear of bedbugs). He said he was feeling better so he stayed another day, and I made sure he took medicine through the day and made him dinner while he took a nap in my bed. I suggested he go home, but the NFL draft is tomorrow night and he wants to watch with some friends who live in my city so I felt guilty sending him away. And I also don’t want to make him take a train while he’s sick.
Tonight, he is in my bed taking a nap while I read on the porch. I just went to check on him and he not only coughed on me but also sneezed on me while we were talking. I was obviously grossed out, got upset and told him not to do that again, and asked if he was sure it wasn’t Covid or the flu. He said “I wish you would be more compassionate when I’m sick” and I snapped back that I wasn’t his wife and that I didn’t sign up to take care of him every time he’s sick and to be sneezed and coughed on by someone. I feel like that wasn’t the best response. He ended up apologizing and so did I.
There have been previous times where he’s been sick in my house and I’ve suggested he leaves. He got mad the last time and said “other peoples girlfriends would be nice and take care of their sick boyfriend.” This rubbed me the me the wrong way because 1. I was working hybrid in the office at the time and had no sick time benefit and 2. he’s has not taken care of me when I’ve been sick in the last two of the three years we’ve been together. I’ve had strep throat, a stomach bug, and a cold that led to a sinus and ear infection. We don’t live together, and I didn’t go to his house when I was sick, but still. There has been one time where I was sick at his house while he was living with his mom after we graduated. I got Covid from his mom and would’ve needed to take the train home. His mom said I was fine to stay until I tested negative or felt well enough to leave with a mask. The extent of him taking care of me was driving me to the store so I could go in with a mask on to get medication and leaving me alone in his basement while I recovered. There was another time that first year where he was at my house and we both got sick with the flu at basically the exact same time. We rotted in my bed for two days and had everything delivered.
I don’t really know how i should be handling this moving forward. I’m less worried about the douche-baggy things he said because we’ve talked through them and resolved it. I’m more worried about whether or not I’m a shitty partner for not wanting to take care of him when he’s sick? And if I’m shitty for wanting to send him home on a train while he’s sick
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Backup of the post’s body: For context, my boyfriend and I do not live together. He lives an hour outside the city I live in.
He just got back from a week long trip to Europe. He came to my house, by train, before his trip because I live near the airport he was flying in and out of. When he got back, he texted and said he wasn’t feeling well. I suggested he go right home by train from the airport. He could not because he had left some things here that he needs including his work laptop. So, he came to my house and while he was taking a recovery shower and nap, I washed, dried, and folded all of his laundry from the trip (mainly because I have an intense fear of bedbugs). He said he was feeling better so he stayed another day, and I made sure he took medicine through the day and made him dinner while he took a nap in my bed. I suggested he go home, but the NFL draft is tomorrow night and he wants to watch with some friends who live in my city so I felt guilty sending him away. And I also don’t want to make him take a train while he’s sick.
Tonight, he is in my bed taking a nap while I read on the porch. I just went to check on him and he not only coughed on me but also sneezed on me while we were talking. I was obviously grossed out, got upset and told him not to do that again, and asked if he was sure it wasn’t Covid or the flu. He said “I wish you would be more compassionate when I’m sick” and I snapped back that I wasn’t his wife and that I didn’t sign up to take care of him every time he’s sick and to be sneezed and coughed on by someone. I feel like that wasn’t the best response. He ended up apologizing and so did I.
There have been previous times where he’s been sick in my house and I’ve suggested he leaves. He got mad the last time and said “other peoples girlfriends would be nice and take care of their sick boyfriend.” This rubbed me the me the wrong way because 1. I was working hybrid in the office at the time and had no sick time benefit and 2. he’s has not taken care of me when I’ve been sick in the last two of the three years we’ve been together. I’ve had strep throat, a stomach bug, and a cold that led to a sinus and ear infection. We don’t live together, and I didn’t go to his house when I was sick, but still. There has been one time where I was sick at his house while he was living with his mom after we graduated. I got Covid from his mom and would’ve needed to take the train home. His mom said I was fine to stay until I tested negative or felt well enough to leave with a mask. The extent of him taking care of me was driving me to the store so I could go in with a mask on to get medication and leaving me alone in his basement while I recovered. There was another time that first year where he was at my house and we both got sick with the flu at basically the exact same time. We rotted in my bed for two days and had everything delivered.
I don’t really know how i should be handling this moving forward. I’m less worried about the douche-baggy things he said because we’ve talked through them and resolved it. I’m more worried about whether or not I’m a shitty partner for not wanting to take care of him when he’s sick? And if I’m shitty for wanting to send him home on a train while he’s sick
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Dang, how long was his recovery shower that you washed, dried and folded his laundry?
Do you two even like each other!?
Gosh i love taking care of my partner and vice versa. Both of you sound like you couldn’t care less about each other. I get not wanting to get sick but yikes.
I cant imagine that you will ever want to live with him, you seem to not like him at all.
I do not necessarily think you are a jerk, no. However, to me it just seems weird that you are dating and don’t want to help him out with this minor thing. Unless he makes a big fuss out of being sick, you would just be getting him food and drinks.
As far as wanting him home, if you don’t live together I can completely understand wanting to have your space back. Sending sick people home on a train to possibly infect others though is not the best idea.
Long story short, if I were dating you I would think you are a jerk, but overall to each their own🤷🏼♀️
I mean if you don’t like him at all you should probably break up? This is weird.
NTA but honestly you are treating yourself like shit. You need to grow a backbone and be more assertive in the relationship. He’s overstaying his welcome and he’s using you. The day that he came home he could have went by your house grabbed his stuff and continued to go home. You could have also told him that when he said he had to come by your house and grab stuff you could have wrapped up the conversation about him not staying. Something like “oh it’s fine to stop by my place but don’t bring in your luggage as you know my stance on potentially bringing in bed bugs. I know I won’t see you tonight but I don’t work on Thursday did you want to hang out then.”
People are going to continue to use you if you just allow the behavior especially if you’re very passive about it.
He absolutely knew he was sick and that’s why there was always a.reason not to go home.
You get what you give in a relationship. Since he’s been completely unwilling to care for you while ill, you shouldn’t care for him. He sounds selfish.
If he had taken care of you when you had been sick, would you be more willing to take care of him?
Part of being in a loving relationship is being there for each other and taking care, not just in illness but all the time. It’s the small daily acts of care that keep a relationship going but it has to be reciprocal.
I don’t want a flu or cold from my partner. We quarantine. Not sneeze on each other and go to NFL draft events. He should be home recovering with the clean laundry you gave him.
Nta – he showed you he won’t take care of you when you are ill. If you get pregnant he won’t take care of you
He coughed and sneezed on you. He is not a toddler. I have never coughed or sneezed on someone as an adult.
Some of the people commenting have no idea what a fear of germs looks like. If you didn’t sign up to take care of your sick partner that that’s OK. It’s not your job. Some people can emotionally afford to go above and beyond to baby a grown man because it’s what THEY want to do. You’re not a bad person for not wanting to do it. You’re just different and that’s totally fine. Unless I’m with somebody for a very long time, I’d be more comfortable staying away when they are sick.