My husband (31M) and I (25F) have been together for 6 years, married for 1 year. We started dating after I asked him out. We met in a board game group. Overall we have a very nice relationship. He is sweet, respectful, supportive, open to feedback, and never angers. We have a lovely friend group and a very rich life together. However I feel like I’m completely responsible for our relationship romantically. I frequently compliment him, surprise him with a special dinner, do things he hates like putting his laundry away for him, plan unique dates, show physical affection, care for him after a long day, etc.
By contrast I feel like he only participates in the romantic side of things when I initiate. For example:
He doesn’t say I love you unless I say it first.
In our entire relationship he has never planned one date, surprise, or anything of that nature without being asked with specific requests ( like I want flowers on Valentine’s).
We don’t cuddle anymore unless it’s foreplay.
Majority of the time we spend together we are doing one of his hobbies (I have to beg to go on a walk together or other things I enjoy).
I have to ask to spend time together and do it around his video gaming.
He didn’t plan our proposal, it was a spur of the moment decision. I was the one who advanced our relationship at every stage.
I feel like I drive everything in our relationship overall.
Im recovering from a brain injury and disabled for the moment. Before I was injured, I planned a vacation for us (like every vacation before) but there were a couple of things that still needed to be taken care of. I asked for help making those reservations. The trip was last week and I still ended up handling everything, even with the brain injury which resulted in a few mistakes. He wasn’t upset about the mistakes, but he didn’t step up to help either. He mentioned at one point that I didn’t need to be in charge, and I kinda snapped at him about how no one else was doing anything to take care of it.
When we first started dating I thought he didn’t love me. Then he started changing his household habits for me and that was enough. Now I’m just not romanced by the dishes being done. When we talked, this was his point of view:
He works long hours and doesn’t have enough energy to give me more. He works 45-55 hours a week, which is a lot. I try to give him grace for being burned out. He has the weekend completely free most of the time and prioritizes his time doing things that bring him pleasure. (Basically he wants to be on his computer every moment he can after work and on weekends).
He expresses his love by building the life we want together and saving money for kids. He views feeding the pets at night, kissing me on the forehead, and occasionally getting me a bowl of ice cream as how he expresses affection.
He doesn’t experience relationships in the same way I do. It doesn’t cross his mind that he needs to tell me he loves me or to do those other things. It never occurs to him, but he does appreciate when I do things for him.
He already feels like he’s trying to be better and I should appreciate his progress more. This is in the context of him doing his fair share of chores and home repairs. I used to nag him to get him to do chores. We’ve had a lot of conversations about me not managing him around the house, and him being responsible for chores in a timely manner. This has improved considerably, but to me it’s the bare minimum.
Overall I feel like I’m the only reason we have a relationship. I know he loves me, but I feel like another chore to him. We’ve talked about it, but there’s been no real progress. Is this just how marriage is? Should I accept that I will have a quiet small daily love and that be enough? Or is it reasonable that I’m asking for more than he doesn’t abuse me and he does his dishes? How do we get through this? My friends have joked that I married a robot and sometimes that feels like the case. Like I’m just projecting my feelings onto a blank canvas. I really love this man and want us to be in love for the rest of our lives, but I’m terrified that it’s solely my responsibility. Is this normal in a longer term relationship?
Tldr: I (25F) do everything to carry my relationship with my husband. He (31M) won’t initiate or be proactive in anyway. Seeking advice about how to navigate our relationship going forward.
Comments
Sounds like you want a partner in life and he is fine with companionship where you’re there (or not there). It’s not that he doesn’t appreciate you, but it sounds like you are something that he has collected into his life, rather than at or near the center of it. He is focused mostly on himself and his needs in a benign roommate-y / friend sort of way and, understandably, you’d like more. He doesn’t seem to derive pleasure from thinking about you and doing things for you. He’s not a jerk in your description, but he isn’t exactly a warm blanket either.
I would suspect that this will not get better over time. I have a very hard time imagining it will get better if you decide to have children. As you may have already contemplated, having kids is like a 100x “you cannot focus on your own needs” situation and will only exacerbate your feelings of loneliness and not being cared for.
Love is hard – it sounds like you love him and he probably loves you in his way. It just isn’t going to be enough to stay aloft through the most obvious difficulties to come. I’d really suggest having that conversation now before you bring children into it – and contemplating what acceptance (or rejection or augmentation) of this situation looks like, as you survey the emotional layout of the rest of your life.