I (25F) feel like our (26M) life started so unnaturally, and I feel guilty about it in a way? How do I shift my perspective and embrace the unconventional beginning of ‘us’?

For starters, I knew my now-husband throughout high school but we didn’t talk much.

We reconnected through mutual friends when we were 21, were hooking up and hanging out for about 2 months, became officially bf and gf, and literally later that month, found out I was pregnant. So we were together for like 3 months all in all. We stuck together, he was supportive, all was well.

He moved in w my parents and I as I rented an attached apartment from them.

We have the baby, everything’s good. But then when baby is 5 weeks old we bring him to hospital because he was sick and due to a series of medical malpractice, DCF got involved and took baby, his parents had to foster.

We got a lawyer, and decided that we loved each other and obviously loved our baby and wanted to show a united front as baby’s parents, so we decided one morning to get married, called someone ordained, got married that day in my parents backyard, left to file our marriage certificate, and then left to see our lawyer. That was our wedding day, lol.

Our lawyer like a week later proved medical negligence and false accusations on hospital’s part, accusations dropped, baby returned to us immediately.

Shortly after that, my dad (60’s M) for the first time in his life had stress induced and marijuana induced psychosis, tried to jump into a lake in the dead of winter thinking my mom was down there calling to him- he had to go to a hospital for a week or two but after that with everything that had just happened with our baby we decided to move out together ourselves so that we’d have our own place and not put baby in a potentially dangerous environment with my dad, as we had no idea if this would happen again. (It didn’t but still)

So due to lack of finances, husbands grandparents offered us their 2nd house that no one was living in, until we got on our feet to buy a house. 1700’s house that no one had lived in for like 10 years. They only wanted $300 a month and they’d pay the oil bill and everything though, so we graciously accepted, fixed it up, etc. it was a lot of work but we had ‘our own’ place for our little family.

Then when our baby was 7 months old, find out my BC failed and I was pregnant again. We go through with pregnancy and are gearing up for baby #2. I’m still home w baby at this point because daycare in our area is insanely expensive (basically a mortgage payment every month). So my husband’s working like crazy to save up for baby #2 and a place to buy. I’m home and stressed with the house basically falling apart, a squirrel infestation (yes, you read that right), and feeling super isolated. He’s stressed I’m stressed, we did not communicate well and were not there for each other.

Then a month before baby #2 is born husband and I had a big falling out after I find he was emotionally (and sexting) cheating w someone he knew from work. They don’t work together but they see each other bc of their jobs. He finally tells me he doesn’t know if we’re in love, or if he just felt morally responsible to be together etc etc etc. I push for us to take time to work on things because I’m literally about to have baby ] #2, and not working.

We do couples counseling and he completely does a 180 and regrets all of that deeply. I forgave him. He holds a lot of shame over all of that and I trust him 100% that he would never do that again. Our relationship has changed for the better, we communicate, I’m better managing my emotions bc I recognize that I did play a big part in creating conflict. we’re open w our feelings good or bad, we’re solid now.

But part of me feels guilty. I feel like everything happened unnaturally- we didn’t try to have a baby, we didn’t plan to get married, we didn’t even plan to get a place together we just needed to leave my parents, baby #2 facilitated us finally buying our first home and moving out of his grandparents.

I just feel almost like I stole his chance of having a more fulfilling marriage with like, his soulmate?
He genuinely seems happy and everything, but I feel like from my POV I can see him being much happier with someone else. Maybe this is a me problem? I’m happy, I don’t think there’s anyone else out there for me that I’m missing out on, I love him to death, I love our life together. But everything moved so fast I can’t help but feel like I steamrolled his life? Lol. Like he didn’t get to propose and plan, try for a baby, etc. I know I didn’t either. Everything was unconventional.

He says that he’s happy and I trust that but like I feel like I cheatcoded my way to a husband family and house and I feel bad. What do I do to change my perspective? We want to have a vow renewal/wedding party at some point.

TLDR; you kind of have to read it to get where I’m coming from but it just feels like everything was super unnatural and idk how to like, embrace that instead of feel guilty? If you read all of that, thank you!