We’ve been dating for 2 years now, very vocal about being extremely committed to each other and have discussed marriage and children, etc. There have been other issues we’ve dealt with but have always came out the other side stronger. He regularly tells me how much he loves me and that he wouldn’t want anyone else. Recently he went on a trip with his family to their home country for 3 weeks. He returned yesterday, and when he was using his phone I saw tinder on the recently used apps. I decided to do some more research before calling him out, and found out that the app wasn’t displayed on his home screen. There were multiple chats with different women who were only from the country he was visiting, and in each of them he made conversation and encouraged them to add him on Instagram or Whatsapp. He told me that “it was just a joke” with his cousins, that they were goading him on, and as their religion is more conservative (I know, confusing right since they “encouraged him to use tinder”?) he hadn’t told them that he’s in a relationship and went along with it. I was shocked because this was the last thing I would expect from him, and had complete trust in him. He admitted how stupid it was and apologized, saying that it didn’t mean anything and was like a game to him, but I can’t stop thinking about what I saw. He told me that he unadded anyone who added him on an external app. I want to believe that we’ll get past this, and I know he’s still committed to me but I can’t help but wonder if I’ll gain back that trust. Am I being naive in hoping the best?
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I mean. Speaking as a guy who used to be a manwhore before I found myself in a committed relationship (actually committed). Bro was definitely looking for some ass to put it bluntly.
hes too grown to be letting his cousins have an influence like that on him especially if the relationship is as sacred as he claims it to be. And its not a joke because wheres the laughs lol Do you think he would be forgiving if the roles were reversed and you made a tinder?
that man cheated on you with multiple different women, and instead of acknowledging that he’s simply a cheater he instead chooses to play in your face by saying it was a joke/game. how do you know he’s commited to you when you just caught him cheating? even if he did do it as a joke, no person in a relationship should feel comfortable enough to “joke around” by talking to people on a DATING app, he’s still a cheater regardless. the fact he had it hid from his home screen shows he knew that wasn’t something he should’ve been doing, yet he chose to do it anyway until he got caught.
I don’t know what’s worse…
Your BF being on dating apps behind your back… Or that he thinks you’re that big of an idiot where “its just jokes” would be a sufficient explanation.
Not only is he untrustworthy, but he also thinks you’re a fool who would believe his embarrassing excuse.
You’d be wasting your time if you attempt to continue this relationship. Things will never be the same. You will always doubt wtf is going on behind the scenes. You will permanently be grossed out by your relationship for the rest of it.
Save yourself from years of drama, get out sooner than later.
Nobody made him do anything. He chose to. His story isn’t even a good one.
The trust is broken. It may not be reparable. His sad excuse for an ‘explanation’ says he thinks you’re a dolt. It was at minimum disrespectful to you, your relationship, and actually to himself. I think it was maybe more of a “dry run” to see what would happen. In addition, even if being encouraged by others, the decision ultimately was all his. I honestly don’t know if he’s worth the effort to reconcile and try to move on.
>he hadn’t told them that he’s in a relationship
This really concerns me. He told his cousins he wasn’t in a relationship? And you’ve been dating for two years and talking about marriage? This more than the Tinder chats has me questioning how serious he is about you.
So, he prefers the company of men. Who doesn’t?
Your BF is gaslighting you. He cheated or was looking to cheat while abroad. Do with that what you will, but personally, I would make him my EX bf.
If he really was committed to OP he would have told his family he is in a relationship. Also, if he was committed then he wouldn’t have set up an account like he did.
Time to tell him he at best just destroyed all trust you had in him, and he has to do ALL of the work to try to rebuild that trust, IF it can be rebuilt. He needs to start with telling all of his family he is in a relationship, including telling those cousins. Any plans to get engaged or start a family should be pushed back at least a year, longer for any kids.
Rem I ND him of a saying I saw in another reddit post, trust is gained by drops and lost by gallons. He just emptied out the trust.
YTAH- I read this bs TODAY. DO BETTER
He thought he’d play while he was away. The bit that he didn’t tell his family about you, is the icing on the cake.
Girl…
That’s a grown man! He chose to download tinder & talk to women. He wasn’t playing no game, he was looking to cheat.
Get tested. Dump this AH. He has zero respect for you.
He’s not committed to you.
He cheated on you after only being away from you for 3 weeks. He never would have told you don’t forget that.
And him being dismissive saying it didn’t mean anything? That’s gaslighting. Tell him that. It means something to you and he knew it would hurt you. That’s why he hid it from you.
Ask him if you can download tinder and message other guys… as a joke. And never tell him of course. Seriously ask him. Ask him if he would think that’s funny.
I’d be out I’m sorry. If you let this go he’ll keep doing it. How can you trust him? Do not sweep this under the rug.
Sorry honey but he is cheating and probably not the first time. His excuse is flimsy and if he really cared about you he would have told them if you existence.
“I know he’s still committed to me”
I am so sorry that you are going through this and it doesn’t feel good to break this to you, but no. No, he is not committed to you. No one downloads a dating app, swipes through people to get matches, messages them on the dating app requesting an add on a different app, and then messages those people on a separate app for a little jokey joke. You are being lied to. Those are elaborate steps. I’m so sorry, but these are the actions of someone searching. A big red flag should also be that tinder was still in his recent apps. If this was some out of country joke (no idea what that joke would even be) it shouldn’t still be in recent. That would mean that he woke up, got packed, checked out of the hotel, went to the airport, waited for his flight, boarded the plane, sat through the flight, and got back home without opening enough apps to remove tinder from his recents. It’s so ridiculously unlikely that logic says it’s probably untrue. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this and I promise you will make it through it even if it doesn’t feel like it, but you have been lied to. Given his nonchalant attitude, it seems unlikely it’s the first time.
People who quickly and easily deceive the people that love them do not love those people back. Unfortunately, you have had a look into his true self and it isn’t pretty. This isn’t something you guys can overcome. This is a “get out as fast as you can situation” . He won’t admit to it and he won’t change. This will continue to happen as long as y’all are together. I know it feels like death, I’m so sorry, but you have to get out.
Bro totally cheated on you with other women in his home country while on vacation and just hoped you wouldn’t find out about it.
Out of sight out of mind.
It’s the “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” mentality.
This man is not committed to you. I dont know why you would even think that. Sounds like you are going to forgive him but understand if you hadn’t looked at his phone, he would have never told you. This is deep lie territory.
Just because someone is “religious” or “conservative” doesn’t really mean they follow those ideals. A lot of “religious conservatives” use the labels to hide their true selves.
You’ve been together for two years and he’s still hiding you from his family? I can’t imagine how this, by itself, would be ok. If I were in your shoes I’d be wondering why that is and when if ever he was planning on telling them about you.
I’d also be wondering how I could ever trust him in the future to not go on Tinder etc as soon as he is out of sight of you. Because it sounds like that’s exactly what he did, and when confronted about it, made up a story in which he is the completely blameless party (seriously, “my cousins made me do it”???)