TL;DR >I have a sex problem going through 9 years of relationship and don’t know what to do
Ok, so it’s weird for me to be posting this, but I really want a stranger’s point of view on this.
Me (25F) and my boyfriend (25M) have been dating since we were 16. We were still in high school, have never dated or even kissed anyone yet, and we were obviously virgins.
At that time, everything was new and we were figuring out what sex was for us and what we liked or didn’t like.
The thing is, we have been in this monogamous relationship ever since, so we never had any sex with anyone else ever. And I realized a few things about myself during these years
I do like sex, and feel sexually attracted to people, but I absolutely can’t connect sexually with my boyfriend for these last few years. He is hypersexual, thinks about it and wants do it whenever and wherever, but I seriously get so self conscious everytime we have sex (due to a lot of factors like being educated that sex is a shameful thing, living with my family until very recently and being afraid they would see or hear something, having low self-esteem, etc). I can’t get out of my head, can’t get in the mood, don’t feel confident doing it. But I kept pushing through the best I could, because I wanted to make my boyfriend satisfied.
But turns out we were talking about our sex life (as we do pretty frequently) and he tells me he was very frustrated, specially because it was so rare for us to have sex. Sometimes we stayed 3 months without any sexual contact, and that affects him tremendously. I tried not to share that I wasn’t happy either and that was trying even when I didn’t want to do anything, but I tried carrying on and giving him a blow job or something from time to time.
Eventually, I started crying after he finished. I realized that maybe it was because I just wasn’t actually having sex all this time, but just wanted to please my boyfriend and get it over with. And unfortunately, even after finally sharing this with him and talking about it, despite his concern about me enjoying the moment with him, not much progress has been done these last couple of years.
We now live together, and he’s still frustrated sexually, and due to my medication for depression I have been having a collateral effect of not being able to orgasm most of the times. To be honest, he was attentive and concerned about it at first, but as months passed he just kind of stopped focusing on how I was feeling sexually or if I also had orgasmed or not. He’s just kinda focused on his on frustrations with our sex life.
As a result, yesterday as we did it and he finally finished, I started crying quietly because I didn’t want him to notice. I’m just really heartbroken with my relationship with sex. I really love my boyfriend and in all other aspects things are great, but sex is a very important aspect for a good relationship, and as my boyfriend said, sex is absolutely a must, it’s a structure that has to be healthy because it holds the relationship together.
I’m doing therapy for a few years now and have tried talking about it with my therapist, but because it’s something so uncomfortable for me to deal with, we couldn’t make much progress.
I really don’t know what to do. I refuse to acknowledge that this will end our relationship if it continues this way, but I know it’s the truth. I don’t know if my boyfriend is willing to wait for me to heal my relationship with sex, specially when he’s never done therapy and not looking for it right now (that would be major since his hypersexuallity may be related to deep rooted trauma and very personal aspects).
Has anyone gone through the same?
Comments
The more uncomfortable something is, the more you NEED to being it up in therapy. This isn’t going to go away on its own.
The antidepressants on their own could be addressed – there are a gabillion antidepressants and not all of them have that particular side effect. But switching your med isn’t going to change how you view sex, and it isn’t going to make you more comfortable.
If you don’t figure out how to talk to your therapist about this issue your relationship is doomed. Maybe you need a new one.
Also when does hyper sexuality equals mental health issues. In most cases it’s hormonal – high libido. I’m 30F and when I was 25 I wanted to have it everyday. I have loving parents, good friend circle but I’ve been watching porn since class 10th. I do have sex related trauma from a past relationship but that was way after I knew I have more needs.
You’ve clearly mentioned you feel stigma surrounding sex. Maybe you need to try a different therapist altogether.
Bring in more people. That way he’d not have to rely for physical needs on just you. But you can be there for emotional intimacy. Polygamy is the way ahead.
He’s telling you that he is unhappy. You have a therapist. The tools are there, you just need to use them.