Today I finally got the closure I needed, and for some reason I actually got worried for his well being.
This person has to be the most mentally unstable and screwed up relationship I have ever been in, and somehow for awhile he convinced me I was the problem. something was always off which made me question him, – such as , he would block me and unblock me a lot, I couldn’t post pictures with him, he had an excuse for everything and always ALWAYS blamed it on me, he said I need help for my jealousy and I am a very toxic person. (I truly believe everyone had their faults, me included, however I explained time and time again I am not questioning him I just need a little reassurance because a lot of stuff he does isn’t adding up.) He told me I shouldn’t question anything he does ever because that means I don’t trust him.
The past two days have been the worst, he mentally was messing with me so hard by saying he needs space for two weeks, taking it back, calling a day later, telling me his heart and brain are split, and quite frankly making absolutely no sense. He had always hid me, I never met his parents, he would turn his location off when at my house, and I explained that to him over and over; finally today a friend of his reached out explaining a situation he feels bad about because my bf – now ex bf – isn’t telling me the truth. When I called him and confronted him- he himself said “are you talking about my bumble account” YIKES. Two for 1 deal I guess. He was actively cheating on me and blaming every single problem we had on my trust issues. Not only blaming me, but being the most cruel you can imagine.
I feel like everything was a lie, I sent him a long message saying how I forgive him and I can’t live with hate in my heart, however about an hour later, I got an awful awful feeling. There have been times he alluded to self harm and I did not hear back from him, so me, the idiot I am called him; many times. I texted explaining I was worried and to just say that he is ok. Finally when he answered me it wasn’t on text it was on what’s app saying “wtf do you want leave me alone”…. So not only did I get mentally exhausted and blamed for it all, (believed it at one point) I also got to humiliate myself one last time by calling the man who cheated on me (who knows how many times?) and having him tell me yet again, I’m not enough.
I don’t know how to process any of this at all. I keep replaying our entire relationship over in my head and catching new lies, a lot of the things he hated I can understand – I can be very sensitive and I did get uncomfortable a lot and ask questions – however, was I wrong??? I feel as though every point he ever had should be forgotten because he did cheat on me. Also, if he claims to love me so much, how can he hang up and not even apologize …. Do I block him on everything and never speak to him again?
Tl:dr how can I possibly forget him was everything a lie
Comments
you need to take care of you. If you really think he may self harm, call the cops and tell them that you think he needs a welfare check up.. Block him on everything, if he has a key to your place, change the locks. You need to cut him out like a surgeon would cut out a cancerous tumor. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO SAVE HIM.. and he’s cheating on you, and it sound like YOU were the other woman. Cut him out, block in on everything, and get counseling to heal. That is what you need to do. “how can you possibly forget him”.. you won’t.. but like a festering wound or a cancer that was threating your wellbeing, you see him for what he was, a toxic impact on your life, a threat to your mental and emotional safety.. you can’t forget him.. but you can remember him, his behaviors, and the red flags you can look back on and now see as guide posts to help you navigate relationships in the future. He was using you, he doesn’t deserve your pity, your concern or your energy. He doesn’t deserve the hours of sleep you have lost, of the negative feelings you are casting on yourself. He is a lesson to be learned.. nothing more.
Cut him out, block him from everything, get counseling, heal, grow, and learn from this experiance. YOU owe that you yourself, you owe that to the best version of who you can be.. because that is your goal.. to become that person, the best version of you….. and the best version of you doesn’t give energy to people who give you nothing but lies in return.. right? The best version of you is who you want to be.. not some manipulatives man’s side piece. YOU and the best version of you are a goddess…. does a goddess waste her energy on someone who intentionally lies and manipulates for personal gain.. no.. she doesn’t. Be the best version of you… and there is someone out there who does deserve that goddess.. but it is not this man.. not even close..