I (25F) have been dating my boyfriend (26M) for two months now, and things have been going really well — he’s incredibly sweet, thoughtful, and one of the best guys I’ve ever met.
Here’s my dilemma: I keep having this intrusive thought that he and my best friend (24F) might actually make a great couple.
My best friend is someone I love deeply — she’s been there through everything, and she truly deserves the best in the world. Somehow, I can’t shake the feeling that she and my boyfriend would be a perfect match. Here’s why I feel that way:
1. They chose the same confirmation name.
2. They share the same religion and ethnicity.
3. My best friend actually knew of him before I met him (but never met him) and said she thought he was cute.
4. My best friend and his mom have almost identical names (off by one letter).
5. They like the same football team and work in the same area.
They’ve only met once and got along fine — nothing flirty, just good vibes. My boyfriend reassures me he likes me a lot, and I believe him.
I’ve even shared these weird coincidences with both of them (I couldn’t keep it in). He still reassures me that he likes me — but seriously, these are crazy coincidences that feel like they’re pulled by the hand of God or something.
My question is: how do I stop spiraling over this and enjoy my own relationship, instead of worrying that I might be keeping two “soulmates” apart? Is this normal intrusive thinking, or could it be a sign I don’t actually want to be with him long-term?
Tl;dr My bf and bestfriend seem like they could be perfect tgt.
Comments
I don’t know if it’s normal intrusive thinking and I don’t think it’s a sign you don’t want to be with him or whatever.
With the boilerplate disclaimer that I am (as everyone on Reddit is) just some rando on the Internet who knows nothing about you, them, or your situation that you didn’t put in the thread, it sound like you’re just a little screwy lol. I wouldn’t put this much thought into little, weird coincidences. You should watch A Serious Man and think about “the Goy’s teeth.”
If that’s intrusive thoughts, I don’t know.
Hi there, I’d venture to say that this is not an especially normal feeling. I thought by the title that I was going to come in here and read all about how they’d developed a close personal friendship, laugh like crazy when they’re together, have long conversations one-on-one about deeply held personal values, have undeniable sizzling chemistry in-person, etc.
Almost all of the things you mention are so meaningless as to barely even qualify as coincidences worth mentioning. You’re overthinking it, and we don’t know you well enough to say why. Idk if you’ve got any symptoms of obsessive compulsive thinking, but over-ruminating on intrusive thoughts could be an indication of something to look into more, possibly with a trained therapist who can help you dig into these feelings.
Do you realize how exhausting this must be for him? Constantly having to manage someone else’s spirals and imagined scenarios? I mean I’m exhausted from simply reading it. If you had actual evidence that he and your friend were into each other, that would be different, but you don’t. This is literally in your head.
Your thoughts aren’t your fault, but they are your responsibility. Right now it comes across as self-centered because you’re making up a drama triangle where there isn’t one. They’ve met once. Once. ONCE. Why are you doing this?
If you can’t get a handle on this, it’s not fair to keep dragging him into it. Either work on managing your intrusive thoughts (therapy, journaling, self-regulation tools) or be honest with yourself that you’re not ready for a healthy relationship. You seem to be attracted to drama.
Those aren’t “weird coincidences”, they’re just coincidences and none of them are even uncommon.
I say with love that I think you’re over thinking this in an unhealthy way and I suggest that you think about therapy to manage these intrusive thoughts and focusing.
You will need a professional to help you learn how to manage this type of intrusive, damaging, self-sabotaging thinking. It is most likely that this obsession is actually rooted in your own unspoken fear that you don’t deserve to be happy yourself, and so when you are happy you unconsciously look for “proof” that you don’t deserve it so you can essentially talk yourself out of whatever situation is actually making you happy. Most fears like this are rooted in self esteem and sometimes we can simply be our own worst enemies.
Please look for a therapist to help you navigate this. It doesn’t mean you’re “crazy” or “bad” or anything like that, being a human can be complicated sometimes, and sometimes our brains process things in incorrect ways. We can learn better ways to handle these things with the help of a professional.
Think of it like maintaining a car or a house, sometimes things will happen that you just don’t know how to fix. You don’t immediately write the car off as broken or the house as condemned, you get a professional to help fix it. How our brains work can be very similar.
I felt this way about my best friend and boyfriend. My best friend is kind of a tomboy. She likes guns and can fix cars and knows how to do a lot of physical labor. I do too but not the way she does. Shes also gorgeous and an amazing cook and is kind of tradition in the sense of a partner. Like my bf doesn’t like to cook and I have vented to her about it and she told me that she believes a it is a woman’s job to do all the cooking and im being overdramatic. It made me start to feel like they would make a better pair because hes a good man and she would coddle him and cook for him every night. I also kind of feel like they get along really well. I had to stop these thoughts. I know he doesnt want her thay way and that hes with me. And I like to hope she would t do that either out of respect for me. Its my own insecurities.
Are you commonly experiencing intrusive thoughts? This sounds a bit like OCD honestly, although obviously I can’t know.
And I really think there is no such thing as soul mates to answer your specific question. Why do you? It’s a dangerous myth that keeps some people in bad relationships because they are “meant to be together” for some sort of reason, and some people out of good relationships because they’re looking for something that feels perfect.
You were probably drawn to the qualities he already shared with your friend, meaning you picked up on them subconsciously and trusted/sought him out as a result. As you’ve gotten to know him better, you might be growing increasingly aware of those overlaps. Imo the prob shouldn’t be the overlap, but the fact that the explicit associations are taking over your attention.
Maybe it’ll help you to reframe it as a green flag in that you were attracted to someone who reminded you of a safe friendship. And move it away from a “thing” or fateful narrative between two unrelated people. In the past, friends and I have celebrated this kind of convergence and joked that we got lucky finding each other’s romantic counterparts!
Besides they probably don’t strike to date themselves; the main thing they share is that they both love you. You love them both and that’s how they met.
Soulmates is not a thing. Some people just fit together better than others but there’s definitely not just one destined partner for everyone. He chose you and I assume he loves you. Leave it alone, you’re stressing yourself out over nothing