My boyfriend (27M) & I (25F) have been dating for about 2 years and have been living together since December of last year. Our relationship has had its normal tiffs and arguments while adjusting to living together. But in March, something happened that I can’t seem to get over. We were on a roadtrip and had stopped at a gas station for a bathroom break and gas. I had to get something out of the trunk and as I was shutting the trunk, I accidentally SLAMMED it shut. Like it was loud, I know it was loud. It echoed and everything. Mind you, this trunk was insanely hard to shut. You’d have to put your back into it or else it would fly back open so sometimes you had to put some extra weight behind it to get it to shut. Another thing to note is that my boyfriend is also very aware of how hard this trunk is to shut, considering it was his car. So, this time, I obviously misjudged how much weight I put into it and ended up slamming it very hard, completely on accident. As I did so, my boyfriend turned and looked at me, very much upset and started walking away from me and went inside the gas station. I knew it had upset him, and so I let him have his space and we ended up meeting back at the car. After we filled up on gas, we both got in the car and started back on our trip. I knew that I didn’t want to sit in silence the rest of the trip, so I wanted to apologize and acknowledge the fact that I slammed the trunk, even if it was on accident. I started to apologize and said “I’m sorry I slammed the trunk like that, I totally did not mean to…” and tried to be lighthearted about it. My boyfriend then turned and looked at me in a way he NEVER had before, and said “You are never going to slam my fucking trunk like that ever again.” With that response, I was immediately taken aback. I felt like I was being talked down to. I responded with “You’re not going to talk to me like that.” After my reply, he went on about how I was disrespecting his belongings and the things that he takes pride in and other things of the sort. He also said that he was “speaking to me with respect” by telling me straight up how things were, no bullshit. I was very upset and started to get emotional (as I do) and we ended up going back and forth with me defending myself and him defending himself without any resolution.
After that, we never really circled back to the conversation and just let things fizzle out. Overtime, I started to feel myself become physically and emotionally closed off to him and our relationship. At first, I couldn’t figure out why, but after a couple of months of feeling this way, I realized it all stemmed from this moment at the gas station. We ended up sitting down and having a conversation about it and how his words hurt me and have had an effect on me over the last couple of months, causing me to withdraw from him. At first, I didn’t feel like he was receptive to my perspective and my feelings. He continued to defend himself and why he spoke to me the way he did and how this wasn’t fair to him. He thought that I was defining everything about him based on this one moment and how he had “one moment of weakness” and now our whole relationship is in shambles. Obviously, not feeling heard, I tried to explain my feelings but still continued to feel like we were getting nowhere with the overall issue.
We did have another conversation maybe a couple days later where we were actually about to sit down, without any defensiveness on both side, and just talk about what happened. During this, I felt like he finally was understanding my feelings and why what he did wasn’t okay and how it’s lead me to feel this way. He actually broke down and cried in front of me (which ever happens) and apologized for hurting me and for speaking to me that way. He also started counseling shortly after as well. Since then, I have seen changes in the way he listens, and he has a better understanding of where his emotions came from (childhood trauma) and is working to be better.
Even through all of this, I still feel so emotionally and physically withdrawn from him and our relationship. I know that that moment broke some safety and trust that I had in him, and I have forgiven him, but I can’t forget how that moment made me feel. It made me feel small, intimidated, and less than. I’ve been trying to do some internal work in the last couple of months to figure out what is best for me, because that’s who I need to look out for at the end of the day. But, there is so much unknown that is making me feel suffocated by making ANY decision. Also, given the fact that we still live together, I don’t know what things would look like, living-situation wise, before our lease is up in 4 months.
Anyways, I think I’m just having a hard time making a decision in one direction or the other. I know where my heart is at, but I’m consumed by fear and the unknown.
Does anyone have any experience or advice with something similar? Anything would be appreciated <3
Edit: I would also like to add that we are continuing to talk about how I’m feeling pretty much weekly. He is very aware of where my mind is at and how I am still hurt. He is also aware that there is the possibility of us not being together and that we will figure out the logistics of everything together, if that’s the way things end up. I think I just feel like I’m dragging him along but in reality, I’m just feeling stuck on making a decision. Hope that gives more context to everyone
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It’s possible for both things to be true. He is working on himself, and you still don’t feel safe or connected.
I have not had a similar experience, but your post has a lot of red flags. If slamming the trunk did not physical damage, he had no reason to be upset, especially as upset as he was. The fact that you knew that it upset him enough that you had to keep your distance, makes it sound like he gets upset easily. His getting upset about “disrespecting his belongings and the things that he takes pride in and other things of the sort” makes no sense, since you did not damage his car.
His response essentially upset/scared you, and he told you that “he was “speaking to me with respect” by telling me straight up how things were”. He was not treating you with respect – he was treating you horribly. Think about how it impacted your feelings toward him.
The second red flag is that when you tried to talk about this (later), he refused to admit that he did anything wrong.
Trust being broken is bad, but safety being broken is worse. I think that it is in your best interest to breakup. First, is your name on the lease? If not, you can move out without his permission. Second, do you have somewhere to go? If you cannot find an apartment right away, could you afford to put your stuff in storage, and find a friend to stay with for a month or so (or rent a room on a month by month basis)? If you decide to break up (and you are not on the lease), I would move all of my stuff out while he is at work. I would then meet with him in a restaurant and break up with him there, so that you are safe. If he follows you out and refuses to let you alone, call the police.
I wish you luck, regardless of what you decide to do.
Listen to your gut. Always do. You know this is a bigger deal than him just telling you not to slam his trunk. It was the tone, the disrespect, and the fact he did not care that it was an accident. I would also feel the same way you do. I’m sorry you are going through this
Look inside yourself. There is where you find your definite answer…
Why would someone react that way over an accident? Very abnormal behavior. Honestly even if he had momentarily snapped but then quickly and genuinely apologized for his ridiculous overreaction then there might be something to salvage. The lengthy doubling down however is extremely concerning imo (as is the fact that you immediately knew he would be so angry over a minor and inconsequential slip up that he would need time to cool off, but I digress). It shouldn’t have required this many conversations for him to finally begin to understand your point of view and consider your feelings. He actually seems to be trying his best to misunderstand you and twist reality. That’s not a good partner. If this occurred in my relationship it would cause a shift that I don’t believe I would be able to come back from.