Backstory: We’ve known each other since high school. I had a crush on her back then, but life kept getting in the way – we went to different colleges, had different relationships, I went to law school, etc. Fast forward to about 2 1/2 months ago, we finally reconnected and started dating. Things were going really well.
She’s gone through a lot in life. She was in an abusive relationship a few years ago, and has a really strained relationship with her mom, who’s emotionally harsh and manipulative. Her dad is not any better either. She’s been living alone now for the first time after being rushed out by her mom (mom decided to not renew the lease and move, and wanted to use gfs room for storage boxes) – which has clearly been emotionally draining on her. They also did not help with her move, and I was the only one there helping out. She’s also in therapy and has ADHD and OCD, so she’s actively working on herself.
We got into our first real fight last week, and it stemmed from misunderstandings on both of our parts. She was tired and emotionally spent from the move, and I asked if she wanted to reschedule hanging out. She said she wanted to see me, so we did. However later on in the night, we both misread each other. She was venting about not being able to sleep in her new room because she was so used to her old one and had a connection to it, and she asked me if I knew what that felt like and what she meant.
Another piece of background: I did not grow up in a very financially stable home. I never had my own room, and slept in my parents bed with them growing up, moving to the couch in the living room when I hit my teens. I had my own room for a year and half when I was in law school, but dropped out and moved back in with my parents 7 months ago. She knew all of this. Since she had asked me what having a connection with a bedroom feels like, I answered honestly that I did not.
Well, that annoyed her and she ended up making a comment about how I said no to shame her/make her feel ungrateful for complaining when she has a room and I don’t, when in actuality she was just trying to vent to me. I explained that it was not my intention, and that I was just answering honestly. There was a silence, and then she had started speaking again.
I don’t remember exactly what her first few words were, but at this point I felt really bad and anxious and thought she was going to keep going off on me about how I made her feel bad, so I (mistakenly) cut her off and said that it was not my intention and that I’m sorry if it came across as me trying to shame her. She then stated that she was just trying to vent to me and wasn’t talking about that anymore. I replied that I was just not wanting to end the previous conversation on a bad note, try to resolve things, and not have an argument.
She then ended up making a comment like, “Why would I argue with a man? Why would I do that to myself?!” and walked to the bathroom. Her words and the tone she said it in felt like I was being lumped in with men she’s had bad experiences with in the past.
When she got out of the restroom, we went to her car for her to drop me off (this was the original plan before the fight) and we were both silent the whole time. When we arrived at my house, I kissed her forehead, said goodnight, and wished her luck with moving in the rest of the stuff from her moms (she was going straight there right after). She replied back smiling but also looking kind of sad, and I could sort of feel that she felt bad.
She ended up texting me sorry about tonight, thanked me for dinner, and hoped that I slept well, and that she should have told me that she was too tired to hang out, but did not want to. I replied that I appreciated the apology, but the man comment rubbed me the wrong way, and I reassured her I’m not like one of them.
She replied the next day that she did not appreciate that I thought she was lumping me in with other men. Later, she sent me a “I don’t think this is going to work tbh,” text, for which I obviously freaked out about. When I wanted to talk about it, she said that it’d be better for her to talk later (cool off), but that sending the message over text was not out of disrespect, but for reassurance. She later expressed how she was tired and knew that I was too. In turn, I replied that we can work through this; things like this are normal in a relationship, its how we handle them that matters, and we said goodnight to each other.
She then kept texting me gently, but after I always reached out. She reacted with a heart to one of my goodnight messages, and also told me that she does want to talk soon, and that she’s sorry it’s taken this long – she’s been helping her sister move as well.
That was a three days ago.
Now I’m sitting in silence – unsure if she’s trying to respectfully end things, or if she just genuinely needs space. I’ve been advised by friends to give her that space and let her come to me, which I’ve been doing. But the longer it goes, the more I spiral and wonder if I ruined something really meaningful.
I’ve wanted to be with this woman for 8 years. And when it’s good, it’s amazing. I’ve expressed care, openness, and the willingness to work through this.
Should I keep waiting for her to reach out? Any advice – from people who’ve been here before – is appreciated.
TL:DR
Reconnected with a longtime crush, things were great until a miscommunication during a stressful week led to our first real fight. We both felt hurt. We both apologized, but later said she didn’t think it would work. Now she’s distant but still lightly responding. Unsure if she needs space or is ending things – just trying to figure out if I should wait or move on.
Edit: I forgot to mention that she had texted me last Saturday night if I was doing ok, and was was wondering if something happened to me since I came home so late (I sent her a “finally headed home” text in the evening when I was leaving my friends house after his 25th birthday the night before), so I guess that there is some care from her, or maybe just her being polite idk.
Comments
She sounds a tad emotionally immature. This sort of thing should not lead all the way to silent treatment.
Life throws a LOT worse than this. Ask yourself how willing are you to go through this process on repeat, when nothing bad has actually happened?
What to do? Tell her you want to reflect on the night with her, to understand what happened, and how to avoid such misunderstandings in future. Her cooperation with this process, and honest sharing of feelings, apologies or not, learnings or not, will tell you what you need to know.
I’d ask for the clarity you need:
If you keep yourself centered in your decision-making, you won’t have to deal with the ambiguity of others’. Identify what you want, share that with the other, and ask that they share on their end and request/set a timeline. Even when people refuse to communicate a clear decision, you still get to decide whether you want to sit with that or assert your own decision that that won’t work for you.
Sounds like she’s grown up in an atmosphere where every comment given to her was laden with underhanded second meaning and disguised attacks. So her sensors and feelers are calibrated with extremely high sensitivity settings – which you don’t share.
I think it’s counterproductive to make a big deal out of “i didn’t mean it that way”. That is too short of a distance to a “but why did you interpret this that way, something inherently wrong with you?”. Better to acquiesce, smile, and say “sorry, didn’t realize that my comment could sound like that.” and exude an aura of “this is not a big deal”. BUT you do need to make sure that it comes across as you fully understanding and being fine. It shouldn’t come across as you not caring what she says.
The more you treat this as a big problem that you two need to solve, the more that she might feel that you’re thinking that it’s her problem. Better to reassure and show a relaxed attitude. I’d come up with an excuse – maybe send a photo of some good food from a restaurant nearby and ask if she’s up for a bite.
If she brings up the stuff up, your approach should be that she’s valid for having that response. Whether she needs it now or not, it’s certainly the case that she needed that in her past situation. Kind of like how fight-or-flight response is from prehistoric era where you needed to flee from lions, but such instincts are no longer that relevant in modern technological world. Be like a comforting cushion even if she’s being too prickly for now.