Hey everyone,
I don’t usually post but I’m honestly lost and would really appreciate some advice or recognition from people who’ve felt something similar.
A few years ago, I fell deeply in love during a solo trip — it was magical. We tried long-distance, but eventually ended it because of distance. I thought I’d moved on, but I still miss that kind of connection and being in love like that.
Later I dated someone for 9 months who made me feel small and constantly anxious. I was walking on eggshells, accused of cheating repeatedly (which I have never done), and never allowed space for myself. Around the same time, a close friend went through a rough period and became super dependent on me. I once again found myself tiptoeing around emotions, managing others’ moods, and feeling drained. Made huge steps into distancing myself from that and setting boundaries already.
Fast-forward to now:
I met an amazing guy — sweet, ambitious, emotionally mature. It started as friends-with-benefits of about 7 months, but he eventually told me he’d fallen for me and wanted to try for real. Part of me wanted that too… but as soon as he got close, I felt panic. It feels like I’m alternating between all the states a human can possibly be in, in minutes. My brain filled with reasons why it wouldn’t work, and I ended things. I’ve done that three times now. And I feel like an asshole, like I’m playing with his feelings.
The thing is, he’s never done anything wrong. He’s patient, kind, and understanding — yet I feel trapped and anxious the moment it becomes serious. Rationally, I know he could bring me peace, love, and calm… but emotionally, my body reacts like it’s danger.
Has anyone else experienced this? Is this some kind of attachment issue or trauma response from childhood supercharged from past relationships? And how do I start unlearning it?
TL;DR: Fell deeply in love once, had a toxic relationship and a draining friendship after that. Now every time I meet someone emotionally healthy who genuinely likes me, I panic, shut down, and convince myself it won’t work — even though they’re kind and patient. How do I stop sabotaging something good?