So im (26F) usually the person that is straightforward and discusses their feelings because I believe its better to lay everything down and to go with the flow then to keep it in me.
And yet i failed in that with my, well now ex best friend (25M). I met him a year ago totally randomly and we started playing games, going to drinks etc. I would never admit to myself that i liked him and I was always saying if somebody asked me that our connection and friendship is so valuable that i wouldn’t want to lose him if relationship fails. I also have low self esteem and would never think that he would like me.
In the meantime I found a boyfriend(26M) that i love so much, my best friend was hanging out with us a lot and those two got along really well also. Not so long time ago, my best friend did something multiple times that went way over his statements about morality and life and i got really disappointed in him. At the same time he found a gf and is now together with her and will probably marry her at some.point, we kinda cut contact and i didnt hear from him in a month already. From being in contact every day to zero and ill keep it that way.
Still since all of this is over, i have a loving bf and he has a loving gf, im having dumb thought of regret for not telling him how i felt. Thats also one of the reason why i cut contact, cuz either that or ill breakup with my bf cuz i relalized i spent so much energy on my best friend, and now since hes gone from my life, im directing all of it it to my bf, AS I SHOULD HAVE FROM THE START. I know im shitty gf but i realized that and im trying to make it better, I dont think i deserve my bf tho, im a shitty person, i wish i could have gained control over my feelings.
Still cant help but ask myself what would have been if i just admitted my feelings, i mean, i lost my best friend either way and if i knew id lost him id just admit it long time ago, but i was so scared to lose him. I dont think he liked me that way, i cant know cuz i never asked, but still it would be better to get rejected than to regret this.
TLDR: i have a loving bf that i love so much but still cant get the fact that i never admitted my feelings to my ex best friend who is now also in a loving and commited relationship
Comments
let me ask you this, would it have changed anything? would you telling him have solved anything? sometimes it only complicates life and makes things harder to share these things. I get that you regret not knowing but he never made a play for you, that should tell you what you need to know.