I apologize if this is a lengthy post. It’s a cut down version of the last monstrosity I typed.
TL/DR: My (26f) partner (26m) and I are navigating through a very dark time. I’m trying to maintain my supportive role while he gets sober despite the betrayal and emotional distress I endured during his relapse, but I’m struggling to productively process what I went through and decide how to move forward from here.
This phase of my life started when we were both 19, and he had just gotten out of a treatment facility after struggling with various substances since his early teens. I had just moved back to town following a very bad relationship that had gotten me diagnosed with cPTSD. That being said, we had a lot of (necessary) patience for each other and talked for months before we even went out, and once we did, we quickly latched onto each other.
We had our ups and downs over the next few years, and we were somewhat unruly about constantly moving in and out of a romantic/sexual connection. We ended up switching back and forth from best friends to intense involvement over and over again for years until we eventually ended up in a committed relationship. Despite our chaos he was always my best friend beneath everything; we had a connection and a closeness that I had never experienced anything similar to in my life. We had patience and understanding for each other and I loved him more than I loved anything or anyone, because we saw each other clearly. No matter what our circumstances were, we had always been extremely close to each other from the moment we met, so when we started dating officially it felt like home to me.
During our relationship, my nightmares came true and he relapsed on a particularly nasty combination of amphetamines and downers. It essentially felt like watching the person I loved get progressively possessed before my eyes and I refused to give up on him, up until the point that I ended up pretty traumatized. He had lied and manipulated me very consistently for months; he also had an extensive physical and emotional affair with an ex who is widely hated by his family and friends, who he had always described to me as a terrible abusive person.
His actions were shocking and alien to me— I was forced to realize that there was nothing at all I could do for him at the point he was at, and that staying would kill me in vain. Things came to a very chaotic crescendo in which he went into psychosis and agreed to be admitted to treatment, and now that he is safe I’ve just now been able to take a step back and assess what just happened. I took time off work and left my hometown.
It’s been three and a half weeks of sobriety for him now and he’s making tremendous progress. It’s been incredibly relieving seeing the light in his eyes come back, seeing him regain his confidence and his trust in himself. For a while I genuinely thought I’d likely never see him alive again, so this is hard to comprehend and I catch myself just dissociating and staring at him every time I go to visitation.
So, now that he isn’t a threat to himself and I have time to focus on my own issues, I’ve had to take in how hard shit has hit the fan for me mentally. I’m having to familiarize myself with my new bizarre triggers: I’m reacting viscerally to the sight of couples, families, babies, attractive women… I feel so ridiculously fragile that it makes me very frustrated and upset. I’ve never been a bitter or hateful person but I feel heinous and my thoughts don’t feel like my own. I feel like my subconscious is already grieving a future I know we can never have now, even if everything went according to a best case scenario.
I’ve been repeatedly having flashbacks of the worst things that happened during the final weeks before he went in. The things he said/did to me and what I found out doesn’t ever stop looping in my mind and I feel like I’m going insane. I’ve become completely consumed by this experience whether I’m awake or asleep; I’m dreaming about it every night. It makes me feel a weird sense of guilt, because I want to blame the drugs entirely and alienate the person who did those things to me from the person I know and love, but that just feels naive. Even then, whenever I force myself to consider stepping away, I feel unjust as if I’m holding him accountable for something someone else did. But who? I feel selfish and guilty even making this post, but I’m at my wits end.
He’ll be out in a couple of days, and I’m not really sure what to expect once he’s back in his environment. I am maintaining a supportive role at the moment while trying my best to stay prepared for anything and prioritize myself.
Before you say it (!!) I already have a therapist. Looking for the public opinion here. So, my questions are as follows:
- At what point would you potentially reconsider a future with this person? Ever? People with heavy substance misuse experience, I’m very interested in your input.
- People who have stayed in relationships after betrayal and infidelity: would you do it again? Why or why not? What contributed to the result of your experience?
That being said: there’s only so much writing and meditating I can do, and if anyone is listening to my prayers they’re surely exhausted with me by now, so I would appreciate any possible advice or relevant experience anyone has to offer questions aside. Thank you for your time, and please be nice. I’m doing my best.