TL;DR: My (25F) boyfriend (32M) gives constant attention to his best friend’s wife (27F) — liking her posts, praising her style/food/habits, and even suggesting I adopt them. I’ve told him it makes me uncomfortable, but he dismisses it as “harmless” and refuses to change. I feel disrespected and sidelined, and I’m unsure how to handle this dynamic or whether the relationship can work long-term.
I (26F) have been dating my boyfriend Matt (33M) since for almost a year. His best friend Andy (33M) is married to Miranda (28F).
From very early on, Matt’s behavior toward Miranda has made me uncomfortable. Before I even met them, he asked if I’d dye my hair brown and suggested it would look good on me. I insisted on keeping my natural hair color. When I met Miranda, I realized she has brown hair. He also often compliments “girly, floral, feminine” styles that don’t match my own but line up perfectly with hers (I’m more simple/casual with a “cool edge”, as people describe it).
Since then, there’s been a pattern:
• Constantly liking her posts/stories, even after I said it bothers me.
• Noticing her outfits, food, and habits, then, directly or indirectly, suggesting I do the same.
• Comparing me to her, sometimes saying I “win,” but still putting me in comparison at all (i.e: you pull of this clothing pattern but she doesn’t!)
• When buying gifts for the couple, focusing on what she would like more than his actual best friend.
• For his birthday, when their visit clashed with my exam, he told me to “compromise” instead of adjusting plans for me.
• A few unsettling moments: Suddenly he praised an old haircut of mine, saying how much it turned him on. Days later, after he had visited the couple, Miranda posted a photo with that same haircut. Or when I sent him a soft, feminine old picture, he raved about how it was sexier than anything else. Then Miranda posted a very similar vibe, he liked hers, and immediately went back to like my old post with that picture. I can’t ignore how connected those things feel.
We’ve fought about this many times. He says I’m “too sensitive” and insists it’s just friendliness, or that he doesn’t want to be “disrespectful” to her or Andy by not engaging. Even after I said I’d prefer if he hung out with Andy alone, he said it’s impossible — “she’s part of the package.” On a recent five-day visit, he basically excluded me while spending time with them (I had an exam and he still proceeded to plan their visit to him on that time without considering me, saying he thought I didn’t want to be there), and after that big fight about him prioritizing them, nothing has really changed.
At this point, I feel disrespected, sidelined, and like my boundaries don’t matter.
My questions:
• How should I interpret this level of attention toward a friend’s wife, and what’s the healthiest way to respond?
• What’s the best way to tell if I’m picking up on a real issue versus overreacting, without constant fights?
• If he refuses to change this dynamic, what options do I realistically have for making the relationship work long-term?