TL;DR: I (26F) don’t know whether to leave or go all-in on a 2.5+ year long-distance relationship with my partner (28M). We’ve overcome a lot (including me cheating) and deeply care about each other. But I still don’t feel quite ready for long-term commitment, even though he is. I don’t know if this uncertainty is something I can grow through, or a sign it’s not right.
I’m not sure where to begin, but I feel like the background matters.
I met my partner (I’ll call him Ethan) 2.5 years ago at a party. It was the kind of situation where we kept stealing glances at one another across the room. But I was emotionally tangled with someone else at the time – someone I’d helped get into rehab – which came with a whole lot of baggage. Nothing had been official, but I still felt torn between letting go of that connection and starting something new.
Ethan had his own problems. His last partner had cheated, and he had a lot of anxiety around trust. He was anxiously attached from the start, and I didn’t handle it well. In hindsight, I wasn’t ready to be in something serious, but I dove in anyway.
On our early dates, we shared things that could’ve been dealbreakers. I told him about my herpes status. He told me he wanted to wait until marriage to have sex because of his faith. I already knew he was Catholic from the first date, but it still came as a bit of a surprise. I was a bit concerned about this as I told him sex was important to me, but at the same time it was not a dealbreaker. We kept seeing each other.
The saving sex until marriage didn’t last long, but it always became a point of conflict because of his religion. He would always feel some sense of guilt around it, and go back and forth around having sex or not having sex. These feelings bled into our relationship, and we both struggled with it. I felt like I wasn’t supporting him and that I was part of the problem (since I was the body making that happen…). I never pushed for it, but I didn’t deny it.
We also talked about values early on revolving around the big three: abortion, LGBTQ2+ rights, euthanasia. Mostly we aligned, with some grey areas. I was raised Catholic but haven’t identified that way for the last decade. I’d say I’m more spiritual than religious, and there has been some tension over our differences – especially around sex, faith, and his desire for me to be more involved with his church.
I went to church with him a few times but it never feel right for me. I felt like such a fish out of water, and honestly just never wanted to be there. There was also pressure – subtle or not – around converting or being “more open” to Catholicism, which I wasn’t. From the very beginning, he wanted me to “find” God. That being said, it’s been his saving grace in ways, and his thinking around it is that it’s this beautiful thing he wishes I also had. Anyways, his family was another matter as well. At some point his dad found out we were sleeping together and it caused a huge blowup. His family has always been so kind to me, and they truly are such beautiful people, but at one point Ethan told me that my saving grace is that I’ve been baptized and went through Confirmation. There’s always been this lingering sense of not being “enough”, of not fitting into his church world or checking the right boxes. But I don’t know if that’s just more about me getting over those things though.
Around this time, I was preparing for a three-month internship abroad. We weren’t official yet, but Ethan gave me an ultimatum, either commit before I leave, or we’re done. Deep down I knew I wasn’t ready, but I didn’t want to lose him, so I said yes.
Two months into the internship, I cheated. I was a coward, and I shattered his trust in the worst way. We broke up.
He went on a church trip to Portugal and started seeing someone new, a Catholic girl who seemed like my opposite. But it ended before I came home.
When I got back, we reconnected. He said that if we were to try again, I needed to become Catholic. This was a huge red flag for me, but at the same time I could see where he was coming from. He needed some kind of reassurance that I wouldn’t betray him again, and figured my becoming Catholic was the answer. I said no. He spoke to his priest about it and talked through things with him, which helped him decide on giving me a second chance (even though I said no to becoming Catholic..). We slowly began repairing things.
Over the next year, we put in a lot of work, especially around the betrayal. And despite all the past wounds, we’ve managed to rebuild something meaningful. The sex issue came up again and again, as did nudges to attend church, but otherwise, things were mostly good. Then I graduated and moved back across the country to be with family and save money. We’ve been long-distance ever since (the last year).
One other thing that is probably important to mention is how I was feeling the last time I saw him was at Christmas. Before he arrived, we had a huge fight that stuck with me emotionally. I felt anxious during his visit. Something felt off, and he left on bad terms. We talked through it later, but I still think about how I felt with him when he was here. There was a huge disconnect being back in person, and yet on the phone, things are good.
As of right now, we’re both focused on our futures. He’s back in school and I’m working and trying to become financially stable. I plan to return to his city eventually (as I always saw myself settling there, even before meeting him). But there’s no timeline, and I can’t even quite envision a timeline right now. Maybe a year or two or three? And then there’s a part of me wants to live abroad for a year, which would mean breaking up for sure.
I don’t know. I’m constanlty fighting this battle in my head, to either dive right in – despite some of what I’m feeling – because I think we could be so good in the future. There would be many differences to still manage around religion, but I know there are so many reasons to stay. We have so much love. We share similar pasts – trauma, grief, complicated families – and that’s created a strong bond. He sees me in a way few people do. He’s kind, brilliant, fun, and my best friend. He includes me in his future. He’s patient and he shows up.
But I just keep hitting this wall.
He’s ready to talk about moving in and about marriage. I’ve told him I’m not ready and I don’t know when I will be. I might see it for us later on, but probably not within the next year? I also worry I’ll never be able to give him the reassurance he deserves. I feel like I’m still thinking about “me” and what I want, and not “us” or “our” future (like my desire to go abroad and work a year). I don’t know if it’s because I’ve never been in a position quite like this, or if it’s because it’s the wrong timing or maybe it’s not right?
I want the life we talk about. I want to be ready. But I’m not 100%.
I’m also scared of losing him. And I’m scared that if I don’t figure this out, I’ll hurt us both more down the line.
I’d love to talk to a therapist about this, but I can’t afford it right now. I’m applying for subsidized options atm, and am hoping something comes from it. In the meantime I’m here, looking for some outside perspective. I don’t even know what I’m hoping for, maybe just someone to help me see this more clearly? Or just any idea on how I’m supposed to know when I’m “ready”? How or when do you know?
TL;DR (again): I (26F) don’t know whether to go all-in or walk away from my 2.5+ year relationship with my long-distance boyfriend (28M). We’ve healed from cheating, wrestled with religious differences, and are still growing. He’s ready for a future, and a part of my does want that, but I don’t know if I’m truly ready, or just too scared to let it go.