I have been in a relationship of four years with my boyfriend (26M). We met in university and are now freshly out of grad school and are PhD students. Ever since I’ve started my relationship I’ve started engaging less in my hobbies and my lifestyle has changed. I no longer go to the gym every day (I go maximum once a month), don’t visit bookstores to read every week, meet my friends often.
My lifestyle has also changed quite a bit. I’ve always kept to a very strict diet, but it’s become much unhealthier ever since entering this relationship. To note, we both work at universities around an hour away from each other, so we just end up spending the weekend together in bed cuddling, going out for food, and maybe going to a coffee shop to do work together. I used to wake up at 5am everyday to start the day. But sometimes he comes over during the week to stay at my place, and that also breaks my rhythm, as I use the time I could go to the gym or read to cook and spend time with him, and I also wake up later so that I don’t disturb his sleep.
I don’t dislike the conversations we have nor the weekends we share at the moment, but I feel like I have changed. I have become more of a listener although I myself am a very talkative person. And it’s only at this four year mark that I’ve realised I feel unhealthier and less fulfilled because I have not engaged in my hobbies.
I know that this unhappiness could probably stems from me tailoring myself and my lifestyle to my boyfriend’s, but I know these are not the only compromises I have made – my friendships and my relationship with my family members because my boyfriend does not have many friends and does not prioritise his family in the same way.
I feel compelled to solve this situation as my boyfriend has suggested moving in together. I also don’t know what I am doing wrong, and I don’t know how to break down why I feel this way.
I’d like to know whether I am unhappy because I am in an incompatible relationship in the first place, or whether I’m just overthinking some small compromises I should be making anyways, since partners are never perfectly compatible. Is there also something I should be doing to prioritise my hobbies or myself in the relationship? Any book recommendations are also welcome.
TL;DR 26F feels lost and out of touch with hobbies, routines, and identity since starting relationship of four years with boyfriend 26M, and wonders if it’s due to incompatibility or normal compromises.
Comments
Nothing in your post seemed to indicate that you feel you are incompatible with your boyfriend. It seems to me like you could benefit from purposefully carving out time just for yourself in the relationship.
Try having a chat with your boyfriend about it. If he’s understanding and supportive, I’d just see how you feel after spending some more time with yourself. 🙂
Yeah this happens a lot even in healthy relationships. Definitely take care of it before moving in together, because that’s a whole can of worms lol.
Start doing the things you loved, take time for you. Explain to him what you’re doing. If he loves you, he will understand that you want to keep being the person he fell in love with. For long term compatibility see if he can share your healthy lifestyle with you. I go bonkers with a guy who isn’t into working out, since their flabbiness rubs off on me LOL.