My husband (28M) and I (26F) have been together for 5 years, married for 2.
Things started out great, families loved each other, he treated me well, my world was peaceful. Then we got married.
We had a lot of issues but would always try to resolve them, although I’m not sure if a big fight every 3-5 weeks is normal or not. Our fights started out with only raised voices and have verbally escalated over time.
He would say the most hurtful things knowing that it would hurt me but he’d just apologise after. It’s always the same cycle. The same words being said, regardless of what we’re fighting about, big or small. If he learns something new that upsets me or an insecurity, he’ll use it in the next argument.
I’m no saint either, I fight back. If he starts cussing, so will I. Calling people names has never been in my nature. I wasn’t raised that way. But once he starts I know that if I don’t retaliate, I’ll just start crying, starting the “you’re just bored and want drama/overreacting” cycle and going through the same list of insults again.
Another thing, I have Bipolar 1 disorder, I got diagnosed in my early 20s and keep up with my medication regularly. I know what my bipolar looks like and I know my symptoms are managed with my meds. He regularly likes to use this against me too. Like saying “you’re crazy” but literally meaning it cause he thinks I’m “sick” or broken or whatever. He would also use the “are you taking your meds?” cause “I’m being aggressive” while going through this cycle.
Arguing doesn’t do anything. Explaining that I’m hurt because although we were fighting about [idk eggplants or whatever], its not even my issue anymore. I’m upset that you’re calling me names and getting us back here. He would let us keep going in circles, insisting that I’m “being dramatic and stressing him out over [eggplants]” when I’ve already moved past eggplants 2 hours ago.
At some point my energy just gets entirely drained that I beg him to stop talking but he just wouldn’t. Leaving the room doesn’t do anything. And yet, I’m the one who’s causing him to be this way, I’m the one who makes him angry. And I should be more considerate and “grateful for how hard he works” (sales at a food delivery company). If we have a fight and he couldn’t sleep because of it, he would call in sick (shift starts at 11am) and say it’s my fault and I’m unsupportive.
He has good qualities, but I highly doubt they outweigh the negatives, and I really don’t want to find out. I feel trapped. Whenever I mention divorce, he’d either laugh at me or say “dont say that sh*t”. Or say that I must’ve just been using him this whole time (????).
One time he even accused me of wanting to leave cause I don’t want to be tied down anymore, when all I want IS to be tied down in a stable, healthy relationship. I can’t say “I love you” and mean it from my heart because I know that actually loving him will just break me in the end. I told him everything I said here. Even if I showed him the post, it probably won’t change anything.
Not sure what I want but I needed to let it out. This doesn’t even cover it all. I know the advice I’m gonna get, but I think I need to hear it.
Comments
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Sounds like you’re in an abusive relationship. No one deserves to be abused, not because we have bipolar disorder, not for any reason. It’s never going to stop. He is incapable of conflict resolution and he is literally driving you insane. End it.
I think you know you two need to divorce. This dynamic isn’t healthy and doesn’t sound like it’s salvageable, based on the details you’ve provided. These types of issues don’t go away magically, they require a lot of lot of work. I don’t think it’s possible for you two
Look for couples therapy. If he doesn’t want to go find one for yourself and find happiness for you alone.
Fighting this often isnt common or the sign of a healthy relationship.
Girl, run. Someone who uses your deepest insecurities in an argument isn’t going to change, there’s a reason things got worse after marriage, he thinks you’re trapped and it’s only going to escalate from here. Divorce him, get therapy if you’re not currently going, and read up on nonviolent communication and healthy attachment styles.
Wow, this is a lot. I’ve been with my husband since we were 21, so 14 years, married for 3. I can’t remember the last time we called each other a name- that stuff is not okay. What you described sounds completely toxic. The way I see it you have 2 options:
1.) Tell him it’s relationship therapy or you have to separate, because this is NOT healthy for either of you. Hold firm, and stay somewhere else if he won’t stop picking at you. I wouldn’t even start the conversation until you are with the therapist unless he gets to a point you really think he will hear you. Frankly I think you should stay somewhere else until you engage in the therapy. I assume things were good before? If he’s always been like this, I would just proceed to two.
Personal note: my now husband and I went through a very difficult time at around age 28, a few years before we married. The issue was we were crap at communication, and at that time maybe we did even call each other names- we would get into big fights, always trying to be right. Couples therapy, a extreme willingness on both our parts to change, and a lot of work turned all that around, and our relationship was like a whole new one after that. However, both members of the couples MUST be completely on board to change, prioritize their partners feelings, etc. It’s not going to work with only 1 person on board with changing and learning how to effectively communicate. It absolutely can’t and therapists won’t even work with couples unless they both are on board usually. Because it’s utterly pointless without both fully on board.
2.) Leave. Neither of you will EVER be happy with this constant hurting each other. That is the opposite of the point of a relationship. The stuff you are describing sounds to me like he is also definitely getting into controlling/abusive territory and if you don’t put your foot down now, when will you? You deserve happiness, and you will never be happy with a husband that calls you names and uses your insecurities against you.
You’re sooooo young. I’m also 26. With a very loving partner and in an extremely healthy relationship. Don’t plan on getting married any time soon because I have far more life to live before we make that choice together. Please don’t waste your years unhappy and unsatisfied. Think about telling your grandchildren about your life story, your love story. If you don’t like the way that story sounds right now- change it (thinking about this is what prompted me to leave my abusive ex-fiancé). You are 100% capable of finding someone who makes that story happy and fulfilling. Wish you the absolute best.
The problem is he’s abusive. You haven’t realised it yet because you’re perfectly capable of standing up for yourself by arguing back / shouting / giving as good as you get.
The problem is it wears you down. And then you’ll wonder if you’re the problem, cos he’s still shouting and you’re tired and low and don’t want to fight back, but you feel awful so maybe you’re the problem.
And then one day, hopefully when it’s not too late, you’ll realise actually you never wanted this. It’s not normal for someone to shout during every argument, to name call and argue every stupid point, and you don’t even want to engage any more. Probably the lightbulb that says actually he’s abusive.
So do yourself a favour… read Lundy Bancroft “why does he do that” and get the lightbulb moment now and then leave. Men aren’t abusive because they’re angry. They’re angry because they’re abusive.
This sounds like emotional abuse, which is a form of domestic violence, even if he never hits you. You deserve better. He shouldn’t be calling you names or calling you crazy. Please call a domestic violence shelter and ask for help leaving him.
What I’d recommend is advising him to get his mental health checked because it either sounds like he has BPD or NPD.
If he’s not willing to check himself for you then he’s definitely not worth it.
My ex-boyfriend would do this. I think either he needs to consider relationship therapy and individual counseling or the relationship cannot function or continue if it stays as is.
Permission to leave granted.
Even the worst people have a good side, or they’d be avoided by everyone. My ex promised he’d be nothing like his father and that he’d never let his mother interfere in our marriage the way she did in his brothers’, and within seven days of the wedding he’d broken both promises.
Lay low, call a lawyer, make alternate living arrangements, and have him served with papers.
And avoid ever letting him speak to you in private again. He’s poison.
For whatever reason he needs these fights; it isn’t about eggplants or even about you. He could be acting shit out from what he saw in childhood, trying to feel “in control “, trying to knock you down so you won’t see how “small, weak “ or whatever his insecurities are telling him. Sadly the kind man you fell in love with was probably just his idea of how a boyfriend acts. This was always going to be his idea of husband behavior.
He provokes you because he needs these fights, your only choice is to disengage. If you want to try and see if the marriage is fixable I’d very calmly pack a bag ahead of time, have someone with you when he comes home and let him know you’re taking a break. Explain that you both are no longer the couple who got married to each other and that you are no longer willing to be married to who he is currently. AND that you’re no longer willing to continue being this current version of yourself either. And the only solution is to take a break and try to find yourselves again. See how he responds to that; if you feel in danger then just go ahead and divorce
You are both very young, and you did get married, so i think it’s worth discussing going to a counselor to see if you can work on better ways to resolve conflict.
If not, this marriage isn’t going to get better and you dont need to spend your life being abused.
My ex would bring out the worst in me. When we’d fight, I’d stoop to his level, which really isn’t me. He would tell me “all couples argue”. And I would think “no they don’t, not like this”. Since we split up, I haven’t argued with any future partner, and I live in peace.
You’re still young, and have so much life in front of you to continue to live like this. Use what you learned from this relationship to avoid people like this in the future.
Why Does He Do That?
Not worth it. Very bad fit. This will get worse!
Sorry but this is the end of the road for this relationship. Please break up before you lose yourself
Close your eyes and imagine there is a red button in front of you. If you press it, you will magically be totally separated and both able to be happy without each other. If you don’t, you’ll stay as you are.
Do you press the red button?
If you do, then you’re just worried about the process of separation. It’s still a shitty thing but it’s smaller than the problem seems to you now.
I learned to swear and yell and use insults fighting with my abusive husband and it’s been hard to unlearn since our divorce, to the detriment of later relationships . Just one of the ways that bad marriage changed my personality. The sooner you can get out, the better.
You need a good couples counselor. This cycle can be broken, but you both need to be on board and willing to show up for change.
If you’re not going to leave (you should 100% because this is 100% Batsuit crazy toxic) you can just Gray rock. Sent engage. Don’t participate. Don’t feed the beast.
You have agency and you are not obligated to entertain his bullshit. Don’t fight back. Don’t call names.. Don’t yell. Don’t fight. Just say ok and keep going about your day. A fire can only burn if it has oxygen. Deprive his oxygen.
No matter the relationship it’s not normal to escalate beyond the actual issue to name calling. You’re smart enough to know that and young enough to start over. 💕
It’s as if he is deliberately stirring conflict.
With my first husband the verbal abuse got repetitive. It got to the point that when he’d go off I’d tell him exactly every name he was going to call me for no reason before he could say a thing and walk away. He didn’t like that but night after night he brought up the same things he called me the same names he went after my mental health issues I have borderline. Thing is I was on his insurance and he refused to get my meds. We had to pay and be reimbursed which wasn’t actually much out of pocket. He refused to get them and pay for them and I didn’t drive or work. Then he’d tell me how crazy and manipulative I was. I took the kids left and divorced him.
My first husband was like this, exactly. Notice I said first because I divorced his punk ass. This is abuse. Don’t waste any more time. Take care of yourself and your mental health
He’s an abusive bully. Cut your losses, he’s toxic and not worth your time