My (26F) boyfriend (22M) and I have been dating for about 4 years now. We are currently taking the first steps to move in together.
We have this “card” or “tool” that I like to call the “I want out” card. I means that if we are in a certain situation, event or whatever and one of us feels like they want to go home immediately, the other will help make up an excuse and we will leave the situation together. The problem is, I practically never use it while he uses it fairly often (maybe 2-3 times a year, so not that often, but often enough that it bothers me), often pulling me out of situations or events I do want to be in, and I am starting to resent him for it.
It happened for the last time yesterday.
BF is an avid softcombat-er, and has been for many years. At first I wasn’t much into it, but I ended up joining him and his friends for some games a while ago and surprisingly I did enjoy it a lot, so now we both go to weekly games in a nearby club/”clan” and have actually formed our own squad in there (it’s a very roleplay based club, so ranks and squads are a big deal and I’m very proud of our squad having come to existence separately from the others). BF has ranked up to second-in-command in the squad, doing most of the leadership work since the actual leader is away very often, and I am the squad’s “medical chief” which is an important rank within the roleplay/game and makes me proud as well. It’s all a game, but it makes me happy how much we have progressed and improved. We’re talking a 12-people squad (in which 6 of us are lifelong friends) in a 90-people club. Each game usually involves about 6 squads of between 6-12 people.
There was going to be a game yesterday night. It was a specially planned game, and 100% of our squad was going to attend (usual attendance is around 70%). I was excited for it. As usual, BF planned the squad battle order, but then our squad leader showed up and said that he was going to organize the squad this time (as I mentioned, he is often away or doesn’t feel like leading so usually he is happy to let BF handle things. He has actually announced he wishes to retire from the position but wants to prepare BF for it first). Which, okay, at the end of the day he is the official leader and BF only takes over when he’s not available. But Leader reorganized the squad in a way that BF was going to be separated from most of his friends, including me, and would play mostly with the newer squad members (who are cool people but not his old friends, the ones that he mobilized in order to create the squad). We requested that at least I be moved to his group, since that would only require swapping two medics, but Leader refused.
At this point BF was fuming, ranting aloud about how after everything he’d done for the squad (rallying his friends in order to gather enough people for a new squad to be formed, doing Leader’s job when he didn’t feel like it) it was disrespectful AF to not even let him play with his friends and girlfriend and ignore us when we offered an easy solution. He started hinting that he wouldn’t go to the game if this wasn’t fixed.
Meanwhile I… didn’t really care that much. Like yeah it’s kind of rude but we’d still be playing the same game only a few meters away and connected by radio all the time, and even if our groupmates weren’t going to be our lifelong friends, they are still nice enough people. I said I was okay with playing one single game apart considering that due to his position as second-in-command we basically do whatever we want in most games. I explained this and he got angry at me for “letting him and also me be disrespected like that” and “putting a game over his pride”. Eventually we were going in circles and he ended up saying that he was going to pull the “I want out” card and that if I still went to the game without him he would be angry at me for prioritizing my own fun over his feelings. I ended up accepting it because the “I want out” card is supposed to be sacred, but I made it very clear that I disagreed with him completely, and that I thought he was throwing a tantrum and ruining his chances at promoting to squad leader just to have an ego match with the current leader. In my opinion, he was in a position where he was being groomed to succeed him as leader and now he will be seen by everyone in the club as childish and untrustworthy.
He said that he felt our relationship should always come before any game. I said I would always side with him in the end but that didn’t mean I had to agree with everything he said or did, and that I felt he was abusing the fact that he knew I would always respect the “I want out” card. He is currently sulking because I think the outrageous slight that he suffered is not a big deal, and because I snapped at being told “if you don’t do what I say, it’ll mean you don’t actually love me” and called it blackmail.
He says it’s only fair that the “I want out” card is sacred, because he would always respect it if I pulled it, and I say that I never pull it because I always consider his feelings and wants and balance them with mine before forcing him to leave or cancel an activity he wants to do, and I don’t feel he does that for me. It’s particularily hurtful because I’m autistic and don’t deal well with last-minute plan changes.
Now I am not fully against the existence of that tool, but I feel it’s obviously being abused one-sidedly. I think the tool needs a rework because it’s not fair that it always affects only one person. I feel there are limits that need to be put in place, but I’m not sure how they should be. I am a non-confrontational person while BF is the proud and hot-headed type, and he tends to feel offended when I don’t act offended on his behalf, then say “I fight your battles, you should fight mine too” when I never *ask* him to fight anything or anyone for me.
I don’t want this to be the unsolvable difference between us because we’re awesome partners in every other aspect. Please advice navigating this situation? Thank you.
Comments
The problem with this “I want out” card is that it treats you as a unit, while you’re two individuals. Just because he wants to quit an activity doesn’t mean you should have to. Same with his idea that you should stick up for him no matter what – um nope, sometimes you’ll disagree and that’s ok.
Just get rid of this system altogether. Why not simply have a conversation whenever someone feels like going home? And then decide in the moment what makes the most sense?
Your BF sounds like a toddler throwing a tantrum.
I think the “card” is ridiculous. If he wanted to leave he could leave. If you wanted to stay, you stay. It was really rude to the other teammates to “take your toys and go home”.
I’m all for being supportive of my partner and in most cases, if we were at something and he wanted to leave, we would discuss it and I’d likely head out with him. And visa versa. But in a case like this (which wouldn’t happen because neither of us act like spoiled children), I would have told him to grow up or go home but I was staying.
You’re not joined at the hip. You are two separate people and to behave otherwise is dumb. I’d get rid of the I want out card completely. You’re right, he’s abusing it and using it as a weapon against you.
Why can’t one of you go home if they want out of something? Uber exists. Unless one of you is sick or in danger there’s no reason for you both to leave.
He’s being a controlling cry baby. This is a fairly big deal, no matter what the rest of your relationship looks like. I mean, he’s the one sulking even though you obeyed the stupid rules. That’s not good. By now he should be apologising for overreacting just because his pride was bruised. But he isn’t.
You have to make it clear that this isn’t acceptable and you’re not going to accept it anymore. And mean it. No more I want out card. If he wants to flounce off he can go for it himself.
I like your concept of an “I want out” card, but it seems to me that it should be reserved for extreme situations where you’re actually in real danger or at risk of something seriously going wrong. Say you join up with another couple for a night out, and one of the others gets drunk and belligerent and starts trying to pick fights with everyone in the bar. Or you’re out with a group and the designated driver is secretly drinking. Or a family get-together where long-simmering tensions between family members is threatening to erupt into an all-out emotionally charged battle in which things will be said that can’t be unsaid and family relationship will up in pieces.
Your IWO card shouldn’t be intended or used for routine stuff where one of you just doesn’t feel like going, or feels like leaving. Plus, just because you’re a couple doesn’t mean you’re joined at the hip; you (the singular you) should be free to go to a game night that your boyfriend doesn’t want to participate in.
You guys need to have a calm discussion about what being a couple means, how much autonomy each of you should have to participate in activities without the other, and what the IWO card should actually be used for. Or maybe ditch it altogether; while the concept seems good, it doesn’t seem to be working for you in practice.
Such a strange hill to die on.
To be clear, he doesn’t have good leadership qualities if he won’t take new people under his wing, and only wants to hang back with his friends.
A good leader would also probably not let his ego dictate his attendance. He’s coming across much worse by sitting out; pride cometh before a fall, etc. He should probably stay at middle management level.
As for the card, get rid of it. It struck me as no longer useful the minute it was used to strong arm you into doing something you vocally didn’t agree with. It was useful until it was deployed incorrectly.
He said if you ignore the card, you’d be prioritising your own feelings; surely you can see how hypocritical his argument is? Whose feelings does he prioritise regularly using this “card”? As long as this card concept exists, he will continue to abuse it.
Overall, he’s giving big man baby energy. Time to pull the plug on the card, and tell him he can get right with himself – you’re showing up for the club like a boss.