Hi everyone, first time posting and I really need some perspective. My boyfriend (27M) and I (26F) have been together for four years. I still love him as much as I did when we first started dating, and I have never met anyone more caring and considerate than he is.
This morning, I looked through his phone for the first time. I know that was a breach of trust, and I am really ashamed about it. What I found has really shaken me. He has a folder filled with AI-generated nude images of several women we both know, including some of my friends. Even more disturbing, I found clothed pictures of my younger sister (18F) in there as well.
To me, this crosses a serious boundary. It feels like a deep violation of trust, privacy, and consent toward people I care about. It’s left me feeling uncomfortable, confused, and honestly, unsafe. I don’t know how I can trust him around my friends or family going forward.
I’m struggling with how to confront him about this. Ideally, I feel really ashamed about going through his phone, but I also can’t ignore what I saw. Is this something I should end the relationship over? Has anyone been in a similar situation, or have any advice on how to approach this?
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>Is this something I should end the relationship over?
You’ve been together for a long time, and I understand it’s a complete shock. It’s easy for us strangers who don’t have the emotional connection you have to say “Break up”. But I genuinely don’t see how you could ever move forward from this.
Like you said, it’s a deep violation of the women in your life that you love and care for. But it’s especially concerning that he has pictures of your sister as well.
I mean, your 18 year old sister? He’s known her since she was 14 years old. That’s scary and predatory.
Um. This is like extremely break up worthy. Without a doubt. That is really weird and concerning… I am concerned for you. I hope you find the courage to leave
Well, your relationship has trust issues for a start.
You violated his privacy by going through his phone.
And it seems his actions of AI generated photos of your friends and family is a big problem.
I’m not sure whether those photos are private to him and him only, or if he has shared them, but realistically this relationship is already unhealthy and the trust is going to be the problem factor.
I doubt you’ll move past this. It is likely best for you to move on.
If you have been with someone for 4 years and then you suddenly have the urge to search his phone for the very first time, then there was a reason or something that caused that.
And yes this crosses a serious boundary. I would be way more concerned about my safety and the safety of the other women which includes MY OWN LITTLE SISTER, as well as concerned about how I would convey this information to them, long before I would be able to bring myself to even start feeling any form of guilt or remorse for checking the phone. Again, I seriously doubt the sudden urge to check the phone just emerged for no reason after 4 years.
Why the sudden urge to go through this phone if you think he’s genuinely caring and considerate?
It’s never going to feel better. That is disturbing as hell you are young find a man that doesn’t make porn of your friends and family queen, I beg of you.
This is not just a red flag. It’s a full parade with sirens.
Focus on what actually impacts you.
Would you care if he draws porn of people?
Probably not. I doubt it impacts you. He has done that.
Would you care if he were just secretly attracted to your sister?
My guess is no. I doubt it impacts you. He has done that.
Would you care if he acted sexually towards another woman?
I’d guess so. That often impacts people. But he hasn’t done that as far as we know.
Would you care if he acted sexually towards your sister?
I’d guess so. That often impacts people. But he hasn’t done that as far as we know.
^ Given these estimations, you can dissect what is a matter of preference for you, versus what he has actually done and is actually responsible for. (Your feelings still matter)
Figure out and set your boundaries.
Keep in mind, boundaries aren’t about controlling other people, they’re about protecting yourself, and those you care about. Assuming the above you might draw boundaries like:
There. There are your feelings and what you dislike. There is what he has actually done. And there are your fears and concerns and how they impact you in a relationship. No threats, no anger.
Keep your boundaries.
Whether or not you feel safe in the relationship, or are attracted to him, are up to you. You don’t need to be spying on him or going through his stuff, but depending on if and how he continues to act, may decide how you want to respond further if he continues anything.
Your intuition was telling you to go through his phone, I’ve also done this in the past and it saved me from a lot of heartache including a STD.
I know people are quick to say “dump him” but this isn’t a small or minor thing – this is extremely inappropriate behaviour even if he was single but now he’s also disrespecting you and your relationship. This is not the kind of person you want to be with and most certainly not husband or father material (If that’s what you want).
You deserve better.
You wouldn’t have gone through his phone if you guys didn’t have any issues.
Be honest with yourself. Something is not ‘right,’ pre-finding all those images.
Honestly? I would not date a guy who secretly lusts over my friends and sibling and kept image files for his spank bank.
Guys in their twenties think about sex a lot. Now he can copy paste any friend picture into an A.I. tool and it portrays a no clothes view. Doing that too much can impact his attitude and behavior. Dump him or set some boundaries.
I wish you could use what you learned, innocently sit with boyfriend, use his best friend picture in an A.I. to gen a sparsely clothed pic and ask boyfriend, “Hey do you think this is accurate?” Then he might feel a little of what you are feeling: ick, worry, risk, jealous, fear. In a perfect world you would then discuss and both agree to not gen no clothes view. And you could sneak-check his phone in a few months to see if he passes a change-my-behavior test.