Hi everyone,
I don’t really know how to say this without rambling, but I need advice. My husband (27M) and I (26F) have been together for 7 years, married for 1. I love him, but I think I might be ready to leave or at least I’m reaching my breaking point.
We met in college, dated all through, moved to a different state, started our careers, and built a life together. But lately I’ve been feeling like I’ve been waiting for him to “grow up” and meet me where I’m at and I’m exhausted.
I feel like I’ve been carrying the household. I clean up after him, do most of the cooking, groceries, and have to remind him repeatedly to do basic chores (it was this way in college and I thought he would grow out of it). He’s addicted to gaming, and it even impacted his degree. He got so tied into gaming and “his own world”, that he got kicked out of university. A secret I’ve kept from his entire family and mine (this is a larger story). After dinner, he disappears to play for hours. When I’ve said I feel lonely and want quality time, his response is usually “there’s nothing to do.” He doesn’t want to play a game or watch a show or really anything. Our sex life is very vanilla, and when I’ve asked for things I enjoy (talking dirty, spanking, etc.), he shuts down and says it’s “not natural.” I feel like we’re on different life paths. While he’s gotten a little better in bed, that doesn’t solve every problem. In college, we agreed that if I ever got pregnant, we wouldn’t keep the baby. But now, my feelings about kids have changed. His haven’t. I’ve told him I’m lonely and unhappy. We had long discussions about what I need, like him doing chores without being asked, helping me cook, spending real quality time with me, taking me on dates, and making sex less one-sided. He’s tried… a little. The dishes get done more often, and our sex life has improved slightly, but it feels like surface-level effort. I don’t feel emotionally connected to him anymore.
A few months ago, I went on a work trip and met someone I instantly connected with. I didn’t cheat, but the spark was so intense that it scared me. I immediately called and told my husband about it, which opened a huge can of worms (for me). In my eyes, the fact that I felt that way about someone else meant something was deeply wrong in my marriage.
I’ve suggested marriage counseling. He doesn’t want to go, saying “it won’t help me, but you can go to therapy alone.”
I don’t know if I want to keep fighting for this. I feel like I’ve been compromising for years, and I’m starting to check out emotionally. My two older sisters noticed a shift, that I’ve been quite depressed the past few months and have voiced their concerns. My dad talked with me and said he will always support my decisions, so have my sisters. They have assured me it will be okay as we don’t have kids and while it would be heart breaking, I’m young.
How do I know if this marriage can actually be saved? How do I know if it’s time to walk away?
(I know I’ve enabled this behavior but when we discussed marriage, this was not the idea we both had. He always said “I’m still growing up and maturing” but how long do I wait?)
TL;DR: He games for hours, barely helps around the house unless I remind him, avoids quality time, and isn’t open to trying new things in bed. I’ve told him I’m lonely and need more from him help and while he’s made a little effort, it feels surface-level. He also refuses marriage counseling. On a recent work trip I met someone I instantly clicked with (didn’t cheat, but it made me realize how emotionally disconnected I am at home). My family has noticed how depressed I’ve been and says they’ll support me no matter what. Need advise.
Comments
I think you’ll be happier alone than you would be carrying this dude through life. To you point, you are young and can easily start again with someone who you are actually compatible with ♡
You’re still young, and you married for love rather than insight. Now you have insight! Leave and use that insight to date for more than just chemistry and find yourself a life partner you can stand living with. You’re too young to be this disconnected and sad! Beat of luck 🩵
Get out, OP, I doubt he’ll even pause his game.
Boys will stay boys forever if they can get away with it.
Sorry OP, go start your own life!
Why would you want to continue being married to someone who is deeply immature, addicted to gaming, incompatible with you, and unwilling to try and change or go to therapy?
it’s time to move on…he is not meeting you, he is not open to growth…it’s ok to have different pathways, that’s why 50% of marriages end in divorce…manifest the life you deserve
Oh honey, he’s never going to be the one to leave you because that would mean he would lose his bill paying bangmaid.
Imagine if he had to take time away from his gaming to do the work of daily living? He would be miserable.
He’s totally happy for you to be miserable, he doesn’t care. If he did, his actions would align with his feelings.
So get your ducks in a row, figure out the next steps, and get free.
He’s going to freak out when he sees you’re serious but that’s not your problem. He will care that he’s losing your services, but losing you? If he could replace you with a robot he could bang?
He’d be long gone.
You know what to do, don’t waste your one precious life for someone that doesn’t even like you.
Leave now, save yourself. He’s checked out in many ways, and he’s basically telling you to leave him.
The only way your marraige can be saved is if you accept that your husband will never change and you learn to live with who he is. He has already rejected marraige counseling, which makes is very clear that he has no interest in changing.
Having chemistry with another person doesn’t say anything about your marriage if you don’t act on it IMHO. I worked with a guy for a year, and we had tremendous chemistry. We were both happily married. We just didn’t act on it. I know other people who have had similar experiences. Chemistry with others doesn’t just go away because you get married. But the test of character is not acting on emotionally or physically.
He got so tied into gaming and “his own world”, that he got kicked out of university
You should have walked away then
You are not his partner
You are his mommy