I have not dated before, for a mix of reasons including SA trauma and honestly just being really focused on career.
I wasn’t initially attracted to him, but he asked me on a date and I just wanted to experience one normal, boring, date with a decent human being.
Didn’t really feel a connection but he asked for a second and I agreed. I didn’t want to judge based on only 1 date.
2nd date ended in a nice kiss. He asked for permission and I felt safe. It felt nice to feel wanted.
It’s been nearly 10 dates thus so far. I’ve opened a little up about my SA trauma and hesitancy to have sex. He is patient and communicates well. We’ve been physically intimate, in terms of hands and oral related sex. He definitely really wants to have sex, I’m still unsure. He is nice, he smells nice, he remembers little things I mentioned, he prioritizes my pleasure, I enjoy holding him, and pleasuring him, and listening about his day, meeting his friends, hearing about his family.
Although I’m not super physically attracted to him, he takes care of himself, and I like the way I feel around him. He’s growing on me. I can feel attraction growing.
I like how he communicates, I like the silly little things like holding doors for me, and respecting my boundaries despite being (though he won’t disclose, I know he must be) sexually frustrated.
My friends think I’m just growing comfortable, and that I shouldn’t waste his nor my time any further. They worry I’m accepting the bare minimum, because of course a guy should be able to communicate well and not pressure me into having sex.
A part of me agrees and sees their point. Another part of me is unsure. I know im having fun. I know I want love, and ideally, would be in a committed loving relationship before sex. But a part of me is tired of being 26 and inexperienced and scared. He feels safe and warm and I like spending time with him. I’m not in love, it’s only been a month, but I could maybe see it being possible, and think he’d make a great long term partner.
Any insights onto how to clarify this further would be great.
I tried going on a few dates with a guy i do find physically attractive. He’s hard to communicate with though, and I don’t feel as much of a mental attraction as I do to the 1st guy. I also haven’t done anything physical with this 2nd guy besides a few kisses.
Not sure if the physical intimacy (which i enjoy!) with 1st guy is clouding my judgement.
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>Although I’m not super physically attracted to him
how do you think he would feel about this if he knew that? In my opinion this makes it a bad idea. As long as this is you talking and not your friends.
>of course a guy should be able to communicate well
I mean communication skills are something everyone has to work on forever, so I wouldn’t consider that a bare minimum
It sounds more like your friends think he’s ugly or something than anything wrong with him imo.
You might have a touch of demi-sexual orientation. Maybe your attraction to him is emotionally based. Looks change anyway, so personality and care based attraction lasts longer. Maybe there are parts you’re leaving out that your friends have insight about, but based on what I am reading, you should enjoy your time in a relationship with him. Most people aren’t in love after a month. Do what you feel comfortable with physically and have fun! It might not last forever, but most things in life don’t. Take a moment to check in with yourself and do what feels right to you. You’ll be fine however it works out because you’ve clearly proven you can make it through hard things. Let yourself enjoy yourself and feel whatever you feel as it unfolds. You’ll know what to do.
If it helps my husband was kind of in your position somewhat at the beginning of our relationship. I dated his roommate and we became friends. I definitely wasn’t his “type” by any means but he enjoyed my company and we wanted very similar things in life. He only dated one other person before me and was very inexperienced. When we did eventually start seeing each other it was very slow moving and I did my best to be patient and understanding. He is on the spectrum and I wasn’t very aware at first but realized he wasn’t overtly attracted to me but he really enjoyed being around me and saw us together long term so we had a serious conversation about it and he insisted he just needed to adjust but that he did find me attractive and it was just something he needed to work through on his own. I also realized later he definitely has a history of SA even if he was too young to really remember (he says it’s possible but he doesn’t remember a lot of his childhood) but he started crying during sex once and I realized there was more going on than I originally thought. We have now been married for 7 years and have two children together. It’s taken a lot of open communication and some couples therapy but we’re in a really good strong place especially for having two small children. But it came with some rough patches (like all relationships) and a lot of understanding. I’m aware that even though he liked me at first he was more attracted to what we could be and not so much what we were at the time. It’s definitely paid off for us but I’m 100% sure his affection and love for me has grown immensely over the years and a lot of that came with feeling comfortable and having consistency in our relationship. It took YEARS. It’s a process but 1000% worth it IMO. I was in it for the long haul. I saw what kind of person he was and I knew he would be a great dad and husband if he was given the chance. It might not be the greatest love story out there but I personally believe it’s a much better one than some. Goodluck!
He makes you feel safe and warm and communicates well. Are you sure you’re not just afraid of building a relationship in the future then getting hurt if it doesn’t work out?
Hasn’t been long, I say just go with flow. Honestly this reminds me of my sister and her husband when they started dating. Took a while for her to feel comfortable because of her past relationships but now they’ve been happily married for 4 years and I could never imagine a better man for her.
Maybe give it a bit more time and just see.
What do you want to do?
It sounds to me like you like where this is heading, like you want to keep exploring and you see the potential for something deeper and meaningful with this guy.
Sometimes, what’s bare minimum for 1 person could be perfect for another. You can appreciate your friends looking out for you, and at the same time be content and open to exploring this possibility.
If I were you I would just go with the flow, go with my feelings and make decisions based off of that. And it sounds like you feel good, you feel safe and respected, you guys communicate well, and the more you know him the more attractive he becomes to you. Overall, I would give it a chance tbh. But is up to you 🙂
My mom always says to make a pros and cons list 😅 and it works. So you could also make a list of pros and cons of being with him and go from there, update the list as needed. Also make a list of possible yellow or red flags you notice. But don’t cut yourself the opportunity to experience something good, even if it’s not forever, give yourself a chance to enjoy the moment, the present, and the people that come into your life.
As a victim of SA, it will take time for you to identify if it’s love, attraction or just being comfortable but if you like him physically. If you are physically attracted to this man and if he is showing signs of strong emotional intelligence skills, you should give him a chance. With this said, you should never rush into sex and you should never be pressured. Good luck!