I 26F have been married to my husband 32M for less than a year. I recently gave birth on May 15. We got married August 15 and I got pregnant a week later. We’ve been together for 3 years so I wasn’t too mad about it. He’s never been good with money. He made good money but was never good at handling it. He also has a 14 year old kid from a relationship in high school. He never had any savings when I met him and throughout our relationship he never built any savings.
I worked and went to college my entire pregnancy. We used to work together as that is how we met at a restaurant. He was the head chef and I was a server at the time. I became the manager of the restaurant and when we got married he got a new job because the restaurant was closing down. He started the new job in the middle of January. I stopped working March 30 as that was the restaurants last day.
We had agreed together that once I give birth I would stay home with the baby as I don’t have family near me they live an hour away and my baby wouldn’t even be able to be in daycare til she is 3 months. Daycare is also really expensive so I didn’t see the point in me working just to pay for daycare. I also would be finishing college so we agreed it would be best for me not to work.
I am now 2 months postpartum and I feel so betrayed. After 3 weeks of us having our child, my husband quit his job. I begged him not to. They increased his hours without raising his salary and he wasn’t happy. I begged him to see how this would affect us without me working and a newborn baby. He said he would find a new job fast and would do doordash everyday if he had to. I was sick to my stomach. He couldn’t find a job for a month. He collected unemployment but that only gave us $500 a week compared to the usual $1200 he would make when he was working and BARELY surviving. We live in New Jersey so I’m sure you can understand.
The whole month he was unemployed he did doordash maybe 15 hours. He went out for literally 3 days and the rest of his time he spent home watching TV. He even cooked dinner for me a total of 1 time in that period after I told him to (Reminder: He’s a whole chef). I cried to him over and over about how stressed I was about this and he kept saying we’re going to be okay and that I had to believe in him that he was going to make it work. We got into a fight one of those days because he hadn’t even doordashed after 2 weeks and I said something to him and he stormed out and started doordash’ing and when I called him to ask him why he stormed out the way he did he said “This is what you want right? You want me to doordash?” I cried to him and told him that I worked my entire pregnancy and not even a month later after I give birth I don’t feel like I should go out and find work for us, you quit your job it makes me feel like shit and I feel like I can’t depend on you. He said he’s looking for a job and he wants to provide and doesn’t want me to work and he’s sorry that he did what he did. After that conversation, my friend offered me a quick gig cleaning after a private event. I told him about it and he said “Oh, that’s easy its like cleaning the house.” I gave him the stare of daggers as that made me so furious. IF ITS SO EASY THAN YOU DO IT CAUSE YOU’VE BEEN SITTING HOME FOR 3 WEEKS. I can’t believe he actually let me go to work less than 6 weeks postpartum while he stood home with my child. I just am still in shock about that. Before that happened, the same friend offered HIM a quick gig being a server at a private party, and he turned it down…. TURNED THE JOB DOWN. Said he doesn’t want to serve. I got so mad at him and he said “why are you acting like I don’t want to work?”
Like I said, I worked my entire pregnancy. After I stopped working I got ready and planned my whole baby shower which I paid for entirely. I set up my baby nursery as much as I could. I also took care of his parents who stayed in our apartment while they had COVID and I was 36 weeks pregnant all while finishing my medsurg semester of nursing. I was so stressed. All the money i got from working I used for the baby. I even put money towards rent, my car ($650)(He insisted he could afford it for me and this was my mom car), his taxes ($900). The baby shower basically paid for all of my babies things. I put down $6000 for my baby shower but that ultimately got me EVERYTHING i needed for her. I tried to save as much as I could but everything is so expensive. I had my husband cater the food to save some money and he had the audacity to say “next time I’d rather just spend the money to just hire someone.) Great, I’m glad you think we can afford that.
My disability for pregnancy got denied. Medicaid still hasn’t gotten back to me. Bills are just piling up and piling up. He asked me to use my credit card and is keeping track of how much I have on it. I’ve also cried to him before about how stressed I was to have a mountain of credit card debt (about $13,000) but he still has the audacity to ask me to put things on it.
My parents gave us over $900 after the baby was born as presents and that’s all gone too. His dad loaned him $500 and I’m so embarrassed. I cannot tell my family what’s going on or they’ll hate him forever. They’re already on the fence about him since he is a revert and has a son. I think i may have to postpone school and get a bartending job to make ends meet. I am so embarrassed.
Our bank account now has $43 dollars on it. No savings. I get worried everyday. I wake up crying, I get moody, and he always tries to ask me what’s wrong and I just keep telling him to go away. I actually want to kill myself for dealing with this. This is the last thing I want for my daughter and myself. I feel so betrayed.
Comments
Divorce. That man is a heavy burden on you.
Take away the credit card.
This guy is financially suicidal.
Your husband is failing you financially and emotionally. Prioritize your baby’s safety. You deserve stability, not empty promises. Get legal advice ASAP.
You’re not overreacting. He’s being selfish and irresponsible. Tell your family that you need support, not secrecy.
Sounds like you’re not being firm enough – stop working and stop using your credit card, get him to start actually feeling the financial burden.
You made a mistake marrying and having a child with him when you already knew he was bad with money and had no ambition. Don’t compound your mistake by staying with him.
Honey, go to your family. is it embarrassing? A little. Were they right about him? Yeah. I won’t even get into the chef/waitress thing.
If you can’t agree about money with someone, you’re not going to make it anyway. This relationship is doomed, and you need to go home and get back on your feet.
DO NOT LET HIM ADD TO YOUR DEBT. HE WILL NEVER PAY YOU BACK.
The longer you stay, the harder it will be to get out. And trust me, this isn’t going to last. Cut your losses.
Sounds like your parents would be supportive if you decided to leave. Time to step away for your sanity and the baby’s wellbeing.
Cut off
You will be fine in the long term… finish schooling, think about yourself. Nursing pays very well. Maybe in a couple years your life will be awesome. Nothing is permanent and you have a family now. Have your husband babysit while you finish college. He can work when you get home from college. If it does not work out with him, you will hopefully find a good man. Keep the faith.
Take your baby and go home.
I tell my daughter all the time, we like you here you don’t have to struggle. If shit hits the fan, come home. Call your parents, tell them what’s going on, go home.
Actual question: you spent $6k on a baby shower??? How and why??
You married someone whose ego is more important than his wife and child’s wellbeing. A man who truly wants to support his family will take whatever work comes his way, not pick and choose based on his preference.
If you are currently not working, make your way to some family or friends. If they’re far away, then that’s fine. Get some space from the situation and see if dude realizes what losing his family looks like.
Updateme
Time for change. Stop allowing him to use your credit card. Report it lost if necessary and when the new one comes don’t allow him to have it. Contact your parents for help. It sounds like they will be supportive of you. Divorce so he does not continue to build up debt you will be responsible for. Unfortunately you are the only responsible one in your relationship so you are going to have to take control over your future. And being tied to him financially is going to put you in a hole that will take years to climb out of. Maybe the reality of having to take care of himself will wake him up so he will be able to coparent in a reasonable way in the future.
How does he qualify for unemployment if he quit his job?
Try caring more about feeding and housing your baby than you care about your own feelings of embarrassment. He’s being selfish but right now so are you. Wake up and tell the people you need to tell in order to get your kid taken care of.
DON’T QUIT SCHOOL. If you want a decent future for daughter, nursing is the way to go. Keep your eye on that prize. I’m sorry that this is not what you want but you need to find a decent job and go to school and have the husband be the stay at home dad until you graduate. You will get a sign on bonus for nursing that will pay off your credit card. Once you have a good job, hubby needs to go. He let you down big time.
He’s all ego and no grit. Trust me, your parents already hate him.
So please come clean and accept any short-term help your parents are willing to offer. If you can, focus on finishing that nursing degree. That’s your ticket to long-term financial stability as a single mom. Best to you.
Not gonna read all this. But why did you marry? Doesn’t seem like you both ever really liked each other that much
If you don’t leave him now, he’s going to create such a SHARED mountain of debt that you’ll never be able to get out from under. He isn’t stepping up, he’s isn’t fixing this. You should leave and divorce before he really drags you under. You hear horror stories about shared marital debts of six figures or more. You can’t deal with that,
Move in with your parents. Tell them what’s going on, you have to. At least bring a single mother you will be responsible only for your own money. And he will have to pay child support.
Divorce him quickly. He’s betting on you completing your education and financing his laziness. You are in school to become a nurse?!!! He is ‘breeding’ a cash-cow. Jackpot! Be quick before he gets you pregnant again to ‘lock’ you down some more. Don’t think he is ‘helpless’ in his purported ‘ambition’ for his chosen career. That man knows exactly what he’s doing to you.
Hugs to you, This is so overwhelming when you should be stress free and bonding with your baby.
He had issues that you can’t fix on your own, He would rather see you clean at 6 weeks post partum than his ass going to go serve food.
He has 0 priorities! I wouldn’t be able to trust him watching the baby.
You can not bear this alone anymore. It’s ok to call your parents and unload, That man-child is not supporting his family at all!
I would talk to your parents and tell them you need help with your little one until you can get a routine..then decide if you want to tell them the truth. I would also consider a separation .
Your credit card will drain you in interests for a long time. Stop using it. If I were you, I would take my child and move in with your parents. I know you don’t want them to know but just hear me out. Just pack, load your car, don’t bother telling him either. When he calls you or texts asking where you are, that’s when you say you are staying with your parents until he can get a job and provide for you and his child and if he is so lazy that he can’t be a husband or father, then you will get a divorce and find someone that can be. Hang up and then call his parents and explain the situation and tell them everything about him refusing to work and wanting you put everything on your credit card while he sits at home doing nothing. Everyone needs to know . If that doesn’t get his ass in gear, You are definitely better off without him. He is not just gonna change! You have to FORCE a change. You don’t have time to wait this out. Everyday he sits at home, is more stress for you and another day in credit card debt. And if that card is just in your name, you have to pay it! He is draining you, emotionally, physically, and financially. Your baby is your number one priority! Get out and concentrate on taking care of your child and be around your family for support and love.
Years ago when my husband and I was about the age you are now, we had only been married about 2 years. Our son was about 3 months old when he started staying out 2 to 3 nights a week playing softball and on Saturday nights. He wasn’t coming home until like 1 am. I was upset and explained I needed help and that his baby needs to see him and so do I. He said his softball league will be over in a couple of month and he would be home more. I went to a couple of games and they were all over around 10 at the latest. So we got in the car heading home and I asked why he doesn’t get home til like 1 on the nights I’m not there? He got so mad and said some tournaments last longer. I dropped it. Next game he didn’t come home til like 1 to 2 am. Each time he did this he had been drinking. We would argue and he would say, well you can come on up to the field and see I’m there and I’m not doing anything. I wasn’t gonna get my baby out constantly chasing him when he should be home. So finally, I did. I waiting until 11 and drove to the softball field he said he would be at. No one there. Drove to the other 3 no one there. He came home around 1 am. I asked how the game went. He said fine and went to bed. I said U went to watch the game, not really but wanted to see what he said, he sat straight up and said you did? I said yes. Drove to every field and no games were going on. He said his game wasn’t here, it was in another county. I said not what you told me. He tried lying his way out of it. I told him I was sick of him going out coming in late and drunk and I think he’s cheating. He said he wasn’t and wasn’t arguing and that he was playing softball and wasn’t quitting. The next time I couldn’t find him again, he came home to an empty house. I took our son and drive an hour and a half home to stay with my parents.
Hi. Fellow nursing student and mom. Please for the love of god and for the sake of your child do not drop out of school. Move home to your parents (I had to due to quite almost the same situation) and please please please. Finish school. You’re so close to finishing you can do this.