Are there any older couples here that have no children? I want your perspective, do you regret it or feel lonely? Would you wish you had kids or are you happy with your decision? I’m trying to figure out what I want.
I am single and have been on hinge looking for a long term partner. I don’t think I want kids for many reasons, but I know there is a possibility I MAY want kids in future 5-10 years (assuming having a good partner) and can envision a happy life. But for now, I’m still quite strongly leaning towards no kids.
Ideally, I would like to be with a partner who doesn’t mind having a child or not, and leaving the decision to me.
Majority of guys I meet (including friends around me) seem to know 100% that they want a child some time in the next 10 years. I am quite picky with my dates as I know what I look for in a partner (emotional maturity being a major one and ofc I need to be attracted). As with the nature of dating apps, out of hundreds of likes, I would end up matching with just a handful, and very little make it past first date. With looking for men that don’t want children or don’t care, my pool seems extremely limited.
I recently went on a date with a man, and he has been the first I have felt some “click” with. He didn’t have his child preferences listed so i have asked him and he had told me he knows he would like children in the future. My heart sank as I felt like I finally found someone potentially, but I’m still trying to decide if children are a dealbreaker to me.
Should I proceed to explore anything with this guy at all? If we end up ever dating long term, it would mean I am under the pressure that I will need to want a child eventually, or else we break up (and I would hate to do this years into a relo as I feel I am approaching older years). Do I proceed because I know the older I get, the higher chance I’ll want kids, or do I cut out everyone that 100% want kids because I shouldn’t risk having to break up many years into a relo?
Would like some insights from anyone, particularly those with similar experience.
TL;DR Finally met a guy I clicked with, but he wants kids in the future and I am leaning towards no. Do I continue to explore this because I might want a kid in the future, or not at all because I will feel pressured to want a kid or end up breaking up. Hard to just move on because very little men meet my standards in this dating pool.
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42F no kids here. I just want to say this: there is nothing worse than having kids with the wrong partner. I’ve seen it over and over again. Obviously, A LOT of people have kids and think that they chose a good partner. People change in relationships and oftentimes, the woman end up raising the child mostly on their own or đź’Ż alone.
You can have kids and be lonely. You can have friends and a partner and be lonely. Loneliness cannot be combatted by having a child. You have to learn to be ok and love yourself to avoid loneliness.
I don’t regret my choice one bit. Life is pretty damn good without the stress of raising another human being on a planet that is over populated as it is. Also, kids are expensive and that is an understatement.
I wish you luck making the right choice for you.
Good morning. Go ask or browse over at r/childfree
I can’t give you any advice as I am 27F and also struggle with the question of kids or no kids, but having a look through r/fencesitters could be useful for you.
No. I’m in my 50s now and travel, spend time with family and friends, and dote on two cats. I had several reasons for not wanting kids. A few: I didnt feel like I had the patience. I don’t feel like it’s fair to bring a child into the world when we are destroying the planet they’ll live in. My close friend had a child who is now 13 and has battled depression, anxiety and anger problems from a young age. I watched her go from an excited new mom to a shell of herself who spends her time coordinating appointments and care for him. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety and I would feel bad if my child did too.
To me you have this arse about tit. You are considering not continuing with a guy you have a spark with because you might not want kids in the future. That’s fucking madness. Have a relationship with this man, fall in love, spend a long time together and you can figure out the kid question at a much later date. Life is short and most people are arseholes so GRAB ANY CHANCE OF LOVE AND HAPPINESS YOU CAN. The future will work itself it out.
Source: happily married 25 year, no kids
I can’t help with your decision; however, my daughter is 30 and has always known she doesn’t want children. She had 2 serious relationships end because of this – even though the men knew going in that she was unlikely to change her mind. The second time she knew going in that the man might want children in the future. He was still on the fence about it, but they had a connection and decided to see where it would lead. She was in love. They had tons in common and were a good match otherwise. But he ultimately decided her child-free commitment was a dealbreaker. It broke her heart but she knew the risk.
It’s your body–choose wisely. You and your mate should discuss and agree on children and child-rearing, confiding frankly and maturely and honestly. Your discussion must include how you want to raise your children: faith; siblings; education; home; etc. There is nothing easier than to neglect a child–the world is full of them. When you decide that the both of you will remain fully engaged with and committed to your children, fare forward. The rewards and challenges are incomparable. (Father of four; grandfather of four so far.)
I’m not a ton older, but a good bit (I’m 38), and waiting for a partner who didn’t want kids is amazing.
I never went on a second date with a guy who wanted kids because I knew 100% I didn’t want them, and it wouldn’t be fair to the kids to bring them into a world where only one parent was super enthusiastic about having them when I knew there was another choice. (To be honest, I didn’t go on first dates with them if I could help it.)
The dating pool is more limited, but if you’re narrowing potential partners down based on core values, you’re going to narrow it down every time you add a non-negotiable. And that’s the point – you’re not trying to appeal to the widest variety of men, but the ones that have the same specific vision for their future that you do.
I have never met someone who didn’t have kids and regretted that choice, but almost every parent I’ve met has at least some regrets. I can actually only think of one parent I know who has no regrets about having children.
Parenting is HARD work. Most men I’ve met who say they want kids do not mean they want to be a parent – what they mean is they want to MAKE A BABY. “You know, I want to pass on my DNA and have that experience” is the exact quote most of my guy friends have given me when asked them why they wanted to be a parent
Even if you are unsure, maybe you can add that into your preliminary dating questions. If you know they want kids, ask them how they intend to parent. See how much they actually know about parenting, how involved they they they will need to be, etc. see if your values on parenting along – ie do they agree with spanking even though it’s abusive, are they strict, are they “gentle parenting approach” people, do they expect a stay at home mom. Maybe ask WHY they want to be a parent.
Having a good equal partner in the parenting takes a lot of the work out of it, so at least if you know that going in then you’ll be in a better position to that if you do want kids, the guy at least understands the work that goes into that and will be a present and active part in it.
39F with a 39M husband here and we’ve never regretted it, especially as we get older and some health issues have come up. We’re able to deal with it all without the additional stressors of children. Also, I love to sleep in.
Im 49, married for 20 years, and we’re childfree. I’ve sometimes wondered “what if?” but it’s been an idealized little daydream where I’m a perfect mum, the kid adores me, and is always perfectly behaved and lovely and rational – i.e., not a real mum or kid at all.
I love seeing my little niece, and I’m generally happy to babysit – I did a TON of babysitting as a young person and teenager, and I get on with kids pretty well, but I’ve never felt I had that knowledge my friends had about kids; they ABSOLUTELY knew that kids were in their future, I never had that knowledge of myself.
We’ve never regretted not having kids, we like our life and home just us and the cat. We have time and space to pursue our own things, and we are more available to other friends both with and without kids. We also have more disposable income and higher savings earlier than we would have with kids.
Do I still sometimes have a little moment when I interact with babies and kids, or see my partner do the same and wonder? Yep. But overall, no regrets at all.
33F here, married to a 36M. Married for 15 years. Besides a brief brief period when I was 19, I’ve never wanted children. I literally posses zero maternal instinct. I have been incredibly ambitious with regards to my education and career. Mothering just wouldn’t fit in there. And, to be honest, I would be absolutely miserable.
My younger sister has two little girls (2 and 4). And I absolutely adore them. Love spending time with them and watching them grow. My sister is an amazing mother and nurtures the crap out of them. But, at the same time, we talk on the phone for an hour every day. Only about 15 minutes of that is conversation. While the rest is me listening to her change diapers, get snacks, or entertain the girls. Over the past few years I’ve seen her have to continuously push aside her education and career. She has to work nights to make the child care schedule fit with her and her husband. She operates on about 3 hours of sleep a day. And, she doesn’t say it, but I know how incredibly stressed she is literally all the time. Watching her be the amazing mother she is shows me, literally every day, that being a parent is just not something I’m cut out to be. I would never be able to provide like that. I’m way too selfish.
And that’s OK.
Also, for the record, I know you mentioned elsewhere specifically making this decision with a good partner. I’ve only ever been with my husband. We got together in high school – before I really even thought of children. So I didn’t come to this conclusion until after we had been together a while and were married. I knew before I decided this that he would make a great father. And I still made this decision because it’s what was best for me. Kids aren’t something you do unless you’re 100% devoted to them. And I knew I never could be.
I know he wrestled with it for a while. But ultimately he decided he wanted to be with me more than he wanted children and got a vasectomy a few years back.
We now raise three wonderful cats.