TLDR: My girlfriend has lied to me about things she was scared to initially tell me about. As time goes on, she has told me the truth. I am getting tired of her lying, and I am noticing that I don’t take her words at face value, and I am always doubting her. I desperately want to trust her, how can we fix this?
Hello Random People,
I met my wonderful girlfriend, let’s call her Z, on Hinge. From the beginning, we were both struck by each other in every way. She is amazing and I truly love her. However, there have been some issues. One of which, is her constantly lying about things she is scared to tell me about. That being said, she is an awful liar, and I can always tell when she is lying. It’s not so much the truth of the lies that bother me, it’s the lying. Initially, she told me she doesn’t smoke and never used weed. Later on, I found out she is recovering from a nicotine addiction, and after that I found out she used to smoke a lot of weed in university. I don’t do any of these things and I was very upfront about it. Initially when we talked about sexual partners, I told her my body count and embarrassingly that I had an unintended one night Standish situation ship thing. She lied to me about her body count and said that she never had a one night stand. Come to find out later that she had two, and we have a similar body count. She told me she doesn’t follow her ex on Instagram, but she does. She also gets panic attacks during sex, and when I ask her if I should stop, she tells me not to and that it’s fine, even when she begins crying. She sometimes gets upset that I stopped, but I literally can’t have sex with someone who is crying. I should mention we both have a history of domestic violence, from people we’ve dated and family.
See, I’m really not bothered by the truth. Her sexual past, drug habits, and what not don’t bother me because they’re really not that bad, and she’s working on them. I just need to know the truth. I was abused a lot as a child, and lied to my entire life as a child. I have a low tolerance for lies. She has only really lied about her past, and I can tell she has never lied about other things. She has also paid me back very quickly when I lent her money so I know she is trust worthy when it matters. I think she’s just scared but I can’t take it anymore.
I know many people will tell me to leave her, but not yet. Maybe later but I want to try to fix things. There just is a connection between us. I’ve never dated a woman for longer than a month, and I’ve been with her for five. I’ve never looked at a woman, and immediately had them literally dripping before. Whenever I’d have sex with my previous girlfriends, I’d maybe make them cum once, maybe twice by accident, but with her I can just feel it and I end up making her cum like ten or twenty times. And she turns me on so much. Not even from a sexual level from a deeply spiritual level, I don’t even know how to explain it. We understand each other and she is so sweet. She is also a very clean girl. Usually in the relationships I am the one with the clean car or apartment, but she is incredibly clean. So much so that she is the first woman I’ve even gone down on.
I’m sorry I rambled. With this limited amount of information. Is there anyway I can fix this? I have a therapist, I just don’t have the money right now as I just underwent a surgery and need to save every penny. I love this woman with all my heart, and I want her to be my wife. I know she loves me and feels the same, I don’t know why love is this hard.
Thank you for reading this, be well.
Sincerely,
A
Comments
It’s been five months, simply move on and find a better person to date
She doesn’t sound mentally healthy enough to be in a relationship.
Lying in the beginning especially about body count is pretty normal lol. Is body count and honesty really that important to you? Then break-up.
I’d say it’s more important how you treat eachother, quality time and activities. When it comes to trust ya can’t ever trust eachother fully, that is just a risky fantasy, especially if you met eachother on a dating app ( You’re both easily replacable and there is alot of romance scammers on apps ). (That level of trust is reserved to your mom). Don’t trust people especially with money, just wait for people to fuck up or maybe they won’t ¯(ツ)/¯
Did it ever occur to you that the reason you’re so “compatible” is because she’s lying about her compatibility? Just a thought.
Some people are so used to lying, it’s like a bad habit. If she’s had some childhood turmoil for example, lying could have been a survival technique she hasn’t replaced with healthier coping mechanisms.
It’s not necessarily important about what she lies about, it’s about why. Does she feel judged? Is she afraid? Or is she a psycho?
Tell her you need the truth, if the relationship is to move forward. Tell her her, lying is the thing that will end the relationship faster than any scary hidden truths she’s worried about exposing.
For reassurance, tell her you want to be there for her. No matter what she’s gone through, you just have to know the truth about it. No more lies, you’re there for her… the real her. Not the mask she presents for other people in public. You want to be intimate, with who she really is and love her for her.
The crying thing is either some kind of trauma, or a kink. You need to really talk about that with her. If it’s her “thing”, you gotta roll with it (or even lean into it… go get some mascara that runs when she crys) let her know you don’t want kink shame. If it’s trauma, figure it out together, maybe therapy would help her. You need her to talk about why she’s breaking down during sex. The Answer might surprise you though.