I (26M) am having problems with my (41F) girlfriend. We have been together for over a year now and I’m starting to think we are just incompatible. Despite our age gaps, I am actually more mature than her and I can say that confidently. I’ve supported myself since I was 18 and really live a quiet, simple life, whereas she lived with her mom until we moved in together 3 months ago.
My girlfriend and I have opposite forms of communication. I have a tendency to over elaborate while she is avoidant, trying to ignore any potential problem and leaving nothing to be resolved. She also doesn’t let me know things in advance and kind of expects me to just know what’s going on without telling me.
She says I’m needy when all I’m asking that we spend more time together. It feels like she’s never home because she’s always at the store or at her mom’s, and I don’t see her much. I work nights, but there is a window each day for us to spend time together after she gets off work, but nothing really happens.
Our sex drives are totally opposite. I have a high sex drive, while she might potentially be experiencing pre menopause, which has caused her sex drive to plummet. I’ve known her for years, and before we got together, she used to talk about how the guys she was with before could never keep up with her or satisfy her, but now apparently, my sex drive is too much for her, even before her menopause symptoms. The doctors she has talked to haven’t said anything definitive yet, but have suggested some type of estrogen supplements, but she hasn’t gotten any kind of treatment yet, and I’m not sure why.
I’m trying to be patient and understanding, but these things are taking their toll on me. I feel like any advance I make or any time I try to talk to her I’m rejected, and it’s honestly humiliating, disheartening, and makes me feel like I’m alone in this relationship. She says I’m being selfish, but am I? I’m taking her needs into account, but it seems like none of mine are.
To clarify, I have a lot of childhood trauma and PTSD, and I realize that some of how I feel could be trauma responses due to abuse and abandonment issues, but it stands that these feelings are there, and it’s making me unhappy. I’m not sure if I should try and make it work, or say enough is enough and end the relationship.
TL;DR: My girlfriend has trouble communicating with me, she doesn’t spend much quality time with me, and we barely have sex because of differing libidos. Any feedback is appreciated.
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Even if you’re mature for 26, you’re going to have very little In common with someone nearly twice your age. And her lack of emotional maturity is probably why she was interested in someone so young in the first place. And I need to be clear this isn’t a knock at you at all, it’s a knock at her. She’s weird.
I really think you’d be better off with someone you’re more compatible with.
Age gap of 15 years, with you being mid-twenties, and you have known her since years?! Holy smokes, sounds like you got groomed.
Please, please leave this relationship. Not only are you unhappy because you two are clearly incompatible in most ways, but this was unhealthy from the start.
(That said: As another woman in perimenopause, let me tell you that taking estrogen supplements isn’t like taking vitamins from the drugstore. There are very good reasons to not do it unless you absolutely need to. Like, I’m not doing it because it could literally kill me because of my heightened thrombosis risk.)
She’s showing you who she is and what to expect living with her. Proceed accordingly.
There are multiple incompatibilities. Relationships shouldnt be this hard. You shouldnt stay in a relationship expecting someone to change.
Did you even wonder why she was single and living at home at the age of 40?
Shes too old for you. There’s a reason why she couldn’t date men her age & had to go after someone 15 years younger – just think about that. Just leave and find someone closer to your age who is more mature and youre more compatible with.