I (27F) might have to get heart surgery. Waiting on the final verdict from my doctors. 1 month ago, I raised the topic of legal marriage with my boyfriend (28M) of 2 years. I told him I could see us getting married one day. I was surprised with his response of “I could never see myself marrying anyone ever, it has nothing to do with you. I love you and want you to be happy, and if marriage is a life goal of yours you should persue it”.
I value his honesty and respect for my emotions, and people change (he was on the fence on legal marriage when we met). I was however angry and frustrated internally that he hadn’t come to me with this information himself.
I told him marriage isn’t a ‘life goal’ necessarily of mine but something I want to do with the right partner.
Long story short – the ball is in my court and I’m trying to reduce my stress. The #1 reason I want to get married is for the legal protections and access to your partner if they are hospitalized. I expressed this to him in our discussion. He said ‘I sure hope that doesn’t happen…(in reference to being in the hospital)’
For me, managing my health is a daily reality. For my boyfriend, I think he is scared about the realities of life and worst case scenarios.
Over the past month I’ve been marinating on what I want. The prospect of heart surgery really has me re-evaluating our relationship. I am not here to change his mind. I know I can leave at anytime.
I have felt very alone with managing my health issues and have frequently journaled that I feel single even with a boyfriend. At this point, I feel he’s ‘nice’ and I really do love him. I’ve been at his side when shit hits the fan for him. But when shit hits the fan for me – I question if he’s willing to go outside of his comfort zone for me.
I’m 75% in the camp of breaking up for my mental health, managing the heart surgery with my support system and living my life to the fullest when I recover. I’m 25% in the camp of ‘let’s workshop what a long term relationship looks like without marriage’ and frankly, I’d want him to take the lead on this planning, present it to me and then I can make a decision.
I’m always taking the lead with these tough discussions and frankly, it’s wearing on me mentally and physically. Sometimes, I’m tired of being strong for myself all the time but I know I have to keep going.
TLDR: I (27F) am due to get heart surgery. Considering breaking up with (28M) boyfriend of 2 years due to him not wanting to get married. Should I break up with him or discuss logistics of an unmarried life?
Comments
Sorry you’re going through this but surprised you haven’t talked with your boyfriend about this earlier than 2 years in. And like you said…to his credit, he was at least honest about it when you asked him.
It’d be best to break up and pursue what you want long term. No need to settle.
Best of luck on your surgery and recovery.
It sounds like you have your answer. It also sounds like he’s kind of a lazy, selfish partner. Do you really want to be married to someone who has made you feel single through all your current health issues? Does that sound like someone who will be there for you if things get worse?