I don’t even know where to begin, but I’m tired and overwhelmed. My husband (32M) does work, but he’s been off the last two days. I (27F) work full time and came home today expecting the trash to be taken out, because he told me earlier that he was going to do it.
I walked in, and of course, the trash was still sitting there.
I said something about it, and all he said was, “I know.”
I replied, “Evidently you don’t, otherwise it would have been done.”
And that was it. No follow-up. No apology. Just silence.
I know it might sound small to some people, but it’s not just about the trash. It’s about constantly feeling like I’m the only one who follows through on anything in this house. I carry the mental load. I work. I clean. I remind. I plan. I remember everything. Meanwhile, he says he’ll do things and just… doesn’t. Or he delays until I get frustrated enough to bring it up again.
It’s exhausting. And honestly? It makes me feel disrespected.
I don’t want to be a nag. I don’t want to feel like I’m mothering a grown man. I want a partner who shares the responsibility and takes initiative.
Has anyone else been through something like this? How do you get through to someone who just tunes you out until you’re mad? I’m not sure if this is fixable or if I’m just stuck.
Any advice is appreciated. I’m just worn out.
TL;DR:
Husband (32M) told me he’d take out the trash while he was off work, didn’t do it, and acted indifferent when I brought it up. This is part of a bigger pattern where I (27F) feel like I carry the entire mental load of the house. I’m exhausted, feel disrespected, and unsure how to get through to him.
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
He doesn’t care. What it boils down to is he doesn’t care. It’s not important to him, therefore it’s not important at all. Only you can decide if you want to live that way but I can guarantee you if you leave he’ll be simply shocked and say it came out of nowhere (but you’ll be a lot happier tbh). Also – I’mma just leave these ones right here:
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp
https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
Im sorry you are having this experience.
You cant force him to change. And it appears he has no desire to change.
And the more this persists, the more you will resent him.
Do you know where your boundary is?
If you have kids, this will only get worse.
You’ll be surprised how much easier it is to keep up your home when it’s just you in it.
This question is answered constantly. I have yet to see a response from someone who has been successful in changing the dynamic. You’re his mommy. Accept it or make the decision that you don’t want this for the rest of your life. I’m not trying to be gloomy or unkind. Just realistic. Hope to hell you aren’t considering children because you would have three.
I think the only way you get through is to kick him out or leave (either temporarily or for good). There are no magic words to get him to be a grownup. Either he lives alone and is forced to start doing for himself and then realizes how much he left to you and then he feels remorse and therefore changes…or he finds someone else (often his mom or another woman) who will keep doing all that for him.
Clearly your exhaustion, misery and disrespect are not enough for him to change. Sit with that for a while. Then think about how your life would look without him in it. A lot of women in your position feel relief when they imagine that. If that is your reaction too, you know what to do.
He could be going through something? Executive function issues or idk. My husband is like that too. He gets rly overwhelmed. Watching a show or similar things can help calm a nervous system. Also if you start doing something, it can help motivate him, so working together can help. Don’t divorce over something like this, try to work it out. If someone tried to divorce me over a mess I’d feel like they didn’t care to begin with. My husband & I both have adhd & idk maybe autistic traits I have no idea
He will change if he wants. Do NOT get pregnant until this is sorted. List it all out. Everything. He needs to step up. Divide and conquer. He needs to own some of the chores.
If this doesn’t improve (give it a month) then you can try couples counseling but honestly if he can’t take the trash out I doubt he will do couples therapy.
This is absolutely a deal breaker. Unless he is filthy rich to pay others to do his part and you are okay with that.
You can search this sub for countless posts on this exact dynamic. It seems many men, and some women ofc, haven’t been raised to contribute to a household, so they default their partner to mommy, expecting her to handle domestic affairs. Nothing kills attraction faster than feeling like your partner’s parent.
I had a similar experience with my ex husband. What is crazier to me is the age gap: I was 9 year his junior, but I still handled 85% of the mental load and domestic labor. I see you have a small age gap, but it only makes me angrier the way older men implicitly, and sometimes explicitly, expect young women to mommy them. Mind boggling stuff, but not too hard to understand when they are the sole beneficiaries of being catered to.
Bangmaid, married single mothers, weaponized incompetence, hobosexual: the are terms that get used in this sub often bc of how prevalent these behaviors and dynamics are. You should NOT tolerate this. Have hard conversations, decide your boundaries, and follow through with action to preserve your well being.
*edited for spelling