I recently discovered my husband has been going to erotic spas without telling me. He lied when I confronted him, swore on his mom, then admitted he went “just for a massage.” But his phone shows a pattern he’s been doing this behind my back.
I’ve supported him in every way emotionally and physically and I feel deeply betrayed. Since I found out, I can’t even look at him. I feel disgusted, numb, and completely stuck. I don’t have close friends or family I can talk to.
How do people recover from this kind of betrayal? Will it get better with time?
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lol, it won’t get better. Neither the cheating, nor the lying. Guys like that…are just like that. You picked a dud. And honestly, even though it doesn’t feel like it, the lying is a much bigger problem. That will ruin any life you try to build together even more than stopping in for a rub-and-tug (which is entirely divorce worthy on its own). Wait until he lies about credit card debt, and you don’t find out until you can’t buy a house. Wait until he lies about remembering to give the kid their medicine. Wait until he lies about getting laid off, and you don’t know you have no income until you literally run out of money one day.
This guy’s MO is “do whatever I want, and if it’s bad, just say I didn’t do it. Then I can do whatever I want without consequences…also what I want is to cheat on my partner.” And it won’t stop at cheating.
This dude has none of the qualities that make a man. Character, integrity, loyalty, honesty, good judgement…all absent.
Sorry if this doesn’t sound helpful but I think the only person who would know what’s best is You. If he can lie and continue to lie then it’s not the best of signs…
It doesn’t take much to see through the lie, if he was just having a massage then why go to an Erotic spa? It doesn’t make sense, and that’s because it’s a lie…
Sorry that you don’t have anyone to talk through these things, though I think you know the answer people who care about you would give. You just need to figure out whether this is a line that’s been crossed and there is no way back, or if it’s something your willing to work through. I know what I would do, I’m sure you will too…
I Hope whatever way you chose to go that your well in the future…
Why would you want to work through this and stay with a man paying for sexual acts? Theres no way he was only having a massage. If that was the case he would have gone to a reputable massage therapist.
Get rid of him. And get tested.
Since he’s still not taking responsibility and try to deflect and lie constantly, no, it’s not going to get better with time.
If you decide to stay, with time, you will come to accept that you may get STI thanks to him and you’ll feel numb and so disgusted and sad as long as you stay with him. Oh also, you’ll get him to lie to you constantly.
You only have one life. If I were you, I’d get a divorce and yes, you’d be sad but the chance of you being happy and free would increase dramatically than staying with a lying, cheating pos.
People lie when they’re scared, that’s all I have to say.
A lot of men are addicted to this. You have a really tough and likely unsuccessful battle ahead of you if you choose to stay and see if he will change.. But if he changes, it will be something he has to try daily to keep from doing. Addicts don’t stop being an addict unless they say Jesus takes it away..which I don’t believe happens, but some insist it does.
It’s not clear, are you more upset by the lying or the visits to the massage parlor.
You’re not stuck. You’re only stuck if you let yourself. If he has done this multiple times behind your back he doesn’t deserve you.
No it won’t now it’s out and you aren’t doing anything about it he will no longer sneak around it will be in your face.
Once a cheater always a cheater. Get tested for STDs and either seek counselling or a divorce lawyer. My pick would be the divorce lawyer
Good grief-divorce him immediately if not sooner. Like someone else said you got a dud. The break up sadness doesn’t last – give it a little time and you’ll be so happy you did it.
Calm down ma’am, it’s just a handy.
If you were draining him properly, he wouldn’t have any need for such things…
OP this is a deal breaker. People don’t start being decent overnight just because you want them to.
You seem to be in shock and in disbelief – and I understand because this means your life just changed and the marriage was ruined. So be sad, angry, but don’t be vulnerable and listen to the gibberish this man will tell you. Believing he will change and respect you if you let this one pass, will just prolong your suffering.
He’s not being honest, he’s not taking responsibility, he’s still trying to minimize the damage. He’s more concerned about protecting himself from the consequences of his behavior than with being accountable with you.
So no, you don’t recover from the betrayal, because it’s ongoing and he’s going to continue doing it. And no, this won’t get better with time, it only gets worse.
What does get better is your feelings. At the moment you’re grieving. You’ve discovered your marriage is broken, he’s not the person you believed him to be, and you’re mourning your relationship and the life you thought you’d have and have now lost. Grief is painful but it does pass. And you will survive the lost of your marriage.
I’m not going to say you have to end things over this – people’s marriages have survived much worse and ended up better in the end.
However you have every right to feel completely betrayed, lost, disillusioned, confused, inadequate, and heartbroken.
He’s got to come COMPLETELY clean. About everything including the reasons he did what he did because it goes way beyond “it felt good”. There is so much to work through after this – but you can’t even begin to start the work until he tells the WHOLE truth. If he won’t, I suggest leaving. If he does, there’s a small chance for you two – but you’d then have to decide if it’s worth it to you to put in the work.
And if he’s doing that he’s probably cheating as well or paying for other services.
Too much victim blaming around here.
The only way to work through this level of betrayal is with a qualified therapist. It requires that the cheater be 100% self motivated (not wife mandated) to change.
This process can take years. Or it may fail.
The cheater must be willing to give the injured party what she needs, even if that includes retelling the entire ugly story for the 1432d time.
There is a therapist who has recently been writing that partners who have been on the receiving end of cheating likely have some degree of PTSD & the psych community should be addressing that.
If the whole mess is not properly worked through, resentments just pile up & really poison the well.
So sure. It’s fixable.
Your husband was cheating on you. He may be rationalizing it by claiming he was not dating anyone. He also knew it would end his marriage because the hid it then lied about it when you found out. Any and all things he says and does from now on will be solely motivated by his desire to not face any consequences for his cheating.
The first thing you do is get an STI check. Chances are very good he paid for services that involved genital contact. Even if he didn’t, some STIs do not require genital contact to be transmitted.
The next thing you do is you have an honest and good sit down with yourself to seriously think about trust. He has demonstrated you cannot trust him. You have learned he is not the man you thought you were married to. You have to decide if there is any way you can ever implicitly trust this new man. If might, what would that take? What would a path toward implicitly trusting him look like for you?
If there is no way to get there – and there isn’t for most people – then get divorced.
Trust is very difficult to rebuild.
There’s a saying, don’t stay in a mistake juat because you spent a lot of time making it.
Leave him disgusting and get tested
How erotic??? And do you want to work it through? Does he?