I (27F) was friends with a guy for 6 years (including 2 years living in the same house in college) and then dated him for 1.5 years following that, who was a cop in a smaller “city”department. The relationship ended because I found messages of him pursuing a woman who he was actively training 1-1 to potentially be apart of their police department (he also had say on if she was qualified enough to enter the dept- so a position of some superiority). In addition to this, finding texts to friends calling me a “c***” amongst other slurs, despite us not having any active tension in the relationship. It is my speculation that this may have been to set himself up to not look as outwardly like the “bad guy” as I was completely blind sided by this, considering we had a very long standing relationship without much resistance throughout its entirety – so I could not even begin to justify it as frustration or emotionally charged words against me.
He must have recently applied for a state police position and put me down as a former girlfriend, for which the dept just called me yesterday to interview me on his character. Despite him not having the most outrageous red flags like any form of physical abuse, he was at a major lack of integrity throughout the entirety of the relationship, and displayed a number of manipulation tactics even following actual proof of his relations with this girl.
1- do I follow up this call with telling them we broke up as a result of him having relations with an officer he was training? And 2- how much does this impact his ability to get the job? Lastly 3- what impact would it have if I just never answer?(which is what I’m currently leaning towards). I don’t have a vengeance out for this guy, it has been well over 1.5 years since the incident and so I am very emotionally removed, but I also don’t want to have him think I would protect him or his reputation ever, as I never even got a mere apology for all of these happenings. What’s everybody’s thought?
** post was edited to better explain the situation of our relationship and why it ended as some bad grammar made for a bit of a confusing intro
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Tell the truth!!
All they want to know is whether he hit you, pulled a gun on you or did any illegal drugs while in your company. No LE agency is going to care that he called you names and wasn’t a dream boyfriend. Cops have astronomically high divorce rates so it’s basically understood that maybe they don’t make the best partners. There’s a difference between things that are illegal and things that are just immoral.
Dude…tell them. We have enought shitty cops out there. You have the power to prevent another.
If it were me I would let them know that he had a romantic relationship with someone he was training. Ideally people like that shouldn’t be cops.
Yes, you should tell them the truth.
Police officers have a great deal of authority over the general public and he’s already demonstrated a willingness to abuse his position for sexual gratification.
I’m not saying you’d be responsible for the next person in his power he takes advantage of, because he’s an adult man who’s responsible for his own shit. But if you don’t close off this window of opportunity for him to further abuse his power, you will always wonder.
Absolutely answer their calls/questions and tell the truth. We do not need more people in enforcer-type of positions who have an astounding lack of integrity and morals. There was a study done that found people willing to cheat on their partners also correlated to cutting corners in their jobs—this is why these investigations are done. You’re not being vengeful, you’re telling them the truth. It looking bad is on him, not you. Whether this affects his ability to get a promotion is up to the department, and they may/may not care depending on the protocol. Best of luck!
Refuse to give a reference, that will say enough.
Tell the truth. Any person who abuses their power in one way, will absolutely do it in another way.
If you are talking about cunt that is not a slur. Besides that tell the truth about the relationship. It probably won’t matter anyway because the thin blue line always looks out.
The only good cops are the K-9’s. Not their handlers but the dogs.
Tell them the truth.
Tell them the whole truth.
The facts alone are damning enough for him – pursuing a trainee is a no-no. They should know that.
Stay away from feelings.
Here’s the deal, I’d tell ’em the whole truth, about his cheating and lack of integrity. He’s got issues with power, ya know?
Where we live, state police take the interview process very seriously. It takes about six months and they really check backgrounds.
We have a friend who was told they would “know him better than his mom did” before they were done with the background check. They were not wrong.
Tell your truth and let them decide.
Bury that mf’er.
I would ask them to guarantee me anonymity. I would tell them everything. These are the people who should not be police officers. By staying silent, you enable them.
I would tell them, “I can’t be a positive reference for him, I’m sorry. I know that he was sleeping with a trainee at one point due to the nature of my relationship with him.”
I mean, if you are trying to get the guy the job just send them this exact post.
the fact he put you down as a reference is absolutely insane to me. it’s like he wants to sabotage himself.
I vote to tell them. He could possibly sexually harass someone else. You already know he’s capable and they should too.
I don’t think not speaking to them at all is a bad choice though. Basically, IF you speak to them, I vote you tell them the whole truth.
Be honest, not vindictive. His relationship with his trainee was inappropriate and is relevant to the conversation. Texts to his friends are not, even if they were vulgar and rude.
Updateme!
Tell them.
You tell them the truth.
Please tell them the truth. There are more than enough people who shouldn’t be in law enforcement that are. Do you part to make sure that there are fewer LEO’s with no integrity.
No answer IS an answer…
They asked.
They know.
It’s honesty. (Not vindictive, petty, inappropriate)
The man chose to do what he did, knowing full well what would happen.
He’s being investigated. It’s too late. The horse is out of the barn as they say.
Just contact them. Be polite, be open, be honest, and be done with it and him.
Tell the truth but keep it vague. Just say you two broke up as a result of him having a relationship with a trainee and some inappropriate comments he made to others about you. You don’t want to include any opinions, just keep it to the facts.
Tell the truth. Abusers don’t need you to hide their bullshit behavior.
I would tell them the truth. It’s important they know he had a sexual relationship with a trainee and that he had say in whether or not she was hired. That’s sexual harassment and no company should want to hire someone who has a history of that.
I would talk to them and answer honestly. That’s what they want.
When my husband was in the application process to be a probation officer, they called former roommates, me, relatives. It was crazy!!
Just call them back and tell them that the relationship ended and you’d like to give additional info, but you do not want it to come back to you since you have had no contact since the break up.
This guy should not be a cop. Cops like him are the reason people don’t trust them.
He put your name down, so call them back and tell the truth.
You need to be VERY careful, giving a bad reference is a tricky legal situation to step into.
If I were you, considering this involves putting yourself at legal risk, I would say “I cannot in good conscience provide a character reference for this person”. Refuse to provide details and just keep repeating that.
If you say anything about what happened between you, and he doesn’t get the job and finds out it was in part because of the details you shared about his character, he could potentially sue you and then you’d have to prove all of this. So if I were you, I would avoid the headache and refuse to provide a reference using the wording I suggest. Refusing a character reference is as good as giving a bad one.
Take yourself out of the former GF role and deal with just the facts: he was trying to form an intimate relationship with a trainee/his subordinate. Whether they actually had a relationship or not, he was in a position of authority and in a position to grant or deny her the job she wanted. THAT’S SEXUAL HARASSMENT! She may have felt pressure to acquiesce to his advanced because of her job being on the line.
If you don’t say anything, who’s to say that he won’t continue to advance and do this to other women? One of the biggest problems with police in the US is the fact that they don’t call each other out on unethical behavior. There were likely other officers who KNEW about his pursuit of this woman and his relationship to you, and they did nothing!
It isn’t about vengeance or having something against the guy. It’s about ethics and doing the right thing by giving them the character assessment they are looking for. Respond to the inquiry and just tell them the facts. You were his GF, you found messages on his phone saying vile things about you to his friends and to this woman you knew was his trainee with content that was inappropriate for a superior officer to send to his subordinate, indicating he wanted a relationship. You considered this to be cheating, so the relationship ended. He can’t say you towards the truth when you only provide the truth.
Tell them the whole ugly truth.
ACAB, ruin him.
Tell them and also the local newspaper.
Tell the truth
Tell the truth, always tell the truth. He was the one who was stupid enough to put you down as a reference.
The truth is alwsys best.
You absolutely spill the beans. You’d be doing the State Police as well as the general public a service by telling them exactly what you know about him.
I feel like if you can do something to make sure there’s one less shitty cop in the world, you should do it.
Truth!!!
Tell the truth. He has no business being a cop, ever.
If this guy didn’t have a badge, I’d say tell the truth and let whatever happens, happen
But having seen what a corrupt cop can do to people if they are motivated, I would tell you to stay out of this entirely
I had an ex salesman who was quite literally set up to take the fall for drug trafficking because he slept with the ex wife of a police officer. The cop broke into his car and planted large amounts of narcotics, had him pulled over, and if not for a hidden security camera the cop wasn’t aware of…my ex employee would be in prison right now.
I would straight up tell the state police “I am not interested in getting involved in the life of my ex. He is no longer a part of my life and I want to keep it that way”
Call them back and tell them the truth, especially that he was involved with his direct subordinate. If they called, then they probably spotted something sketch and want to dig deeper. As well tell them you do not want to be connected again after this in regards to this person.
TELL THEM. how do you think shitty, dangerous people get to be in positions of power like this when they have an established history of being an asshole? No one tries to stop them. For fucks sake. Grow a spine. It’s not about not having any emotional involvement with him or the situation – it’s about being a responsible member of society. You’re not even doing anything but honestly answering questions, it’s the bare minimum you can do here instead of saying “eh, not my problem.”
Tell the truth. Cops get away with so much by switching depts and their wrongs get swept under the rug. This needs to stop happening because most often they continue to abuse their power and get worse and worse the more they get away with.
Your ex, who is a cop, has a history of abusing the power dynamics where he’s on top for personal and sexual gratification.
That is 1000% something to tell the state police as a character reference.
Edit:we don’t need more shit cops on the force. If he’s willing to violate ethics like that, then he shouldn’t be incharge of citizens safety. He has obviously flawed judgement skills
You should answer whatever questions they have for you. I wouldn’t get into the details of your relationship unless asked specifically, otherwise it might make you seem like a bitter ex. As someone who has had a thorough background check done for work, they might just be calling you to confirm residence at such and such address. They do this stuff for a living, and pretty much everyone has an ex that has bad things to say about them with some of it being true, some of it being exaggerated, and some it being a lie. They often don’t really put a lot of weight on what an ex says because of that, unless it is something that is verifiable, like a domestic violence offense or gambling debt etc.
OP, I am not an officer nor do I work directly for a PD, but I do work within the larger policing profession. I would strongly urge you to follow up with the background investigator and share your experience with them. The cheating by itself would not be an automatic removal from the process—that would depend on how truthful he’s been about it (assuming it came up).
However, and this is the big one, he used is authority and position of power to sexually harass and coerce a recruit/officer trainee. While it’s not clear from your post if he was a field training officer (FTO) or had some sort of oversight of an explore-type program, either way, that is a huge red flag and the BI will investigate further. The BI will also 100% will want to know this information. In fact, I guarantee you that if the BI hasn’t already, they will be visiting every agency you ex has worked for to review his personnel and IA files. They look for what’s there and what’s not there, and you’re information may help fill some missing gaps.
Follow up with the BI and keep it factual.
If you speak to them, try your best to stay out of any emotion, just facts. Don’t use loaded words like cheating.
Ex: well he had an affair at work even though we’d been together 6 years and were living together so I wouldn’t trust him!
Better: Yes, we dated for about 6 years. It’s my understanding that he began a sexual relationship with a junior female officer who he had been assigned to train at work. I ended the relationship after that.
Be prepared that they may not care though or that they may only ask specific questions that aren’t designed to actually elicit damning information. Some law enforcement organizations select for a certain level of aggression and willingness to bend rules and they may not want to really investigate so they don’t have to acknowledge it.
Just tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
There is a reason they talk to people who have known the applicant. I would consider this your duty to tell the truth.
Tell the truth
I work for my state police/highway patrol. When I first started we had high standards and expectations of our officers and dispatchers. We’ve been forced to lower our training standards and expectations. This has resulted in too many bad officers and dispatchers. People have been hurt over officers with poor ethics
Sleeping with someone you’re training is an obvious no-no. For some many reasons.
He lacks obvious good judgement skills.
He shouldn’t have a badge and gun. Not because he cheated on you. But because he has no ethics, poor judgement skills, is obviously untrustworthy…..
Please don’t recommend him.