I’ve (27f) been diagnosed with autism, and social dynamics can be tricky for me, especially when things aren’t black and white. I do best when I have specific guidance on what to say or do, since these situations don’t always come naturally to me.
I recently started a new job that I truly love. it’s a dream role. A few weeks in, some women (24f & 25f) on my very close-knit team opened up about how much they dislike our manager. “Dislike” is honestly putting it mildly—it sounded more like outright hatred. As the new person, I thought listening would help me understand the dynamics and bond with the other team-mates, so I went along with it. That was my first mistake.
While the manager might have some flaws, it became clear that these coworkers were being very unprofessional. They said cruel things about almost everyone in the company, especially people who gave them feedback or challenged them. They also acted passive-aggressively toward the manager—going behind her back, messaging her while she was out of office, etc. and things seem to be escalating.
At first, I participated a bit- I even shared a small anecdote about a time the manager was slightly rude to me, thinking it was a safe, honest moment. Looking back, I realize I shouldn’t have said anything at all. Now that I’ve seen more of their behavior, I really want to stay out of the drama completely.
I’m worried that if I suddenly change how I engage, they’ll notice and turn against me like they’ve done with others. I also fear I’ll come across as fake or two-faced for wanting to back out now, since I didn’t shut it down earlier.
I’d love some advice on how to step away from this situation gracefully. What can I say or do to set boundaries without putting myself at risk socially or professionally? I want to stay focused on my work and not get pulled into more negativity.
TL;DR
I’m autistic and navigating social dynamics at work can be hard for me. I recently started a job I love, but early on, a few younger coworkers vented heavily about our manager and I went along with it, even shared a small story, thinking it was just honest conversation. Since then, I’ve realized their behavior is very unprofessional, and I regret getting involved. Now I want to step away from the gossip and drama, but I’m afraid they’ll turn on me if I change how I act. I’m looking for advice on how to remove myself from the situation gracefully without making things worse.
Comments
The blog Ask A Manager has some great advice on navigating toxic coworkers. One thing you can try is to keep being warm and polite to everyone but either change the subject or say you’re busy when anyone starts gossiping. “Sorry guys, I’ve just got to finish this report, I’ll see you later.” They can’t argue with that, you’re at work! You can also wear headphones to signal that you don’t want to chat.
Do you sit close to these people? Do you need to interact with them on a regular basis? I suggest you try to keep your distance from them from now on. Be polite with them but stop engaging into their hateful rhetoric. Change the subject or try to get out of the situation if they start.
I always use a “Security Clearance” approach around coworkers who gossip. If they gossip and talk crap about people when they aren’t around, I assume they will do it when I’m not there. They get the lowest clearance. I never disclose anything to them that could come back and bite me in the ass.
Also, it’s important to understand that some people are just “Boss haters” in that anyone in authority over them is automatically the enemy – no matter the actual quality of the boss. Maybe your boss is bad, or is a good person who occasionally has a bad day or does something truly wong once in a while. That’s for you to decide for yourself.
I’d disengage from any talk about other people that you wouldn’t say directly to their face.
>I’m worried that if I suddenly change how I engage, they’ll notice and turn against me like they’ve done with others.
Use this to your advantage! Make sure your work stands on its own merits. You are well rid of these people, and this is a good filter.
One of the most useful things I learned in college was almost a throwaway comment one of my professors made: Don’t hang around the people who are constantly complaining. Be around the people who are succeeding and being productive. They are usually two very different groups, and the whiners/complainers are rarely successful in the end. Don’t be like them.