Like the title says, I[27f] have been flirting with someone[31m] for a few months, known him as an acquaintance about a year and found out hes polyamorous. Lets call him Jake, and his partner[29f] Amanda.
I have never been a part of a poly relationship, but I am not 100% sure its a dealbreaker? I’ve never really thought about it because all my previous partners have been monogamous. I dont mind the “having sex with other people” component, and think it could be fun. I also know thats not the only thing a poly relationship means, and “tolerating” a poly relationship is not the same thing as enjoying being in one.
I already know Amanda oddly enough – we get along quite well.
My “default” seems to be monogamy, but I don’t know if thats just because it has always been the expectation? I dont really feel I know if I am attracted to others when in a monogamous relationship. One of them I did have attraction to another guy, but was that just because I was unhappy with the relationship I had? Confusing me further is the fact I dont go out and meet new people much, I’ve only had 2 relationships, and I think along with being Heterosexual (most likely), I think there’s some demisexual thrown in too?
I really think if a poly relationship were to work for me, Jake and Amanda are the people I would most be able to do it with.
Heres my real issue – On paper, I think this could be a really illuminating and fun experience BUT finding this out has been making me WILDLY anxious. I have pretty bad anxiety and am worried I will get hurt, and lose 2 friends in the process.
I dont know what Jake is looking for – longterm relationship? Another partner? Friend with benefits? Does he even know?
I have in general been a person who goes for long term relationships, but do think a friend with benefits thing would be fun to experience.
The logical part of my brain is going “this could be fun, and you’ll know yourself better after”
The anxious brain is saying “what if this is 100% not for you and you get hurt, and hurt 2 others in the process”
I know the real answer here is to talk to Jake (and probably Amanda), but he doesnt know I know yet, and I just want to bounce the situation off a third party. Do you think I am deluding myself into thinking this may work? Do I have valid questions?
If you read the above word vomit – thank you.
TL;DR:
I’ve only been in 2 monogamous LTR, have the opportunity to enter into a poly relationship. Don’t know if it’s as a LTR, or FWB thing. I am worried that I am doing mental gymnastics because I like this guy, and scared that if I try this I will lose 2 friends.
Comments
Both things can be true. It is true that the friendships will be damaged if you get into a relationship with them and it goes poorly. It is also true that you may come to better understand yourself if you try it. I would talk to them more to learn what they’re looking for. You don’t have all the info you need to make a decision.
Dude, no. This is already messy and it will only get messier. Expectations are unclear and that leads to bad places.
You’ll not develop any useful traits or experience from participating in this. it’s just something you decide you want to do or not based on your personal desire and feelings. Keep in mind that in the future, new partners might judge you for this past experience and be concerned.
Talk about it with the both of them and see if they’re interested. Express your concerns to them is my main recommendation. I personally am monogamous and a little young to be giving point on advice, though I’ve been through a few rodeos.