I 27F married my husband 27M when we were 19. We were young and I was naïve. There have been rough patches but generally speaking it is typically good. Well I think so anyway. I go through months where I love him so much it hurts to breath and then months where I can’t even stand to be in the same room. I’m currently in the “I think I hate him” phase and I just feel so miserable. I hate that I experience such a huge 180 in emotions and that it has been more dramatic each time. I treat him to same regardless of what phase I am in because that’s not fair to him to be treated different based on my mood.
As far as he is concerned, things are just as good as ever. Meanwhile, I am feeling constant feelings of disgust, frustration, anger, and exasperation toward him. I can’t stop fixating on all of his faults which is so cruel and mentally draining. I need help. I don’t want to flip-flop between these two extremes anymore. I hate it so much and I hate that I don’t know which is the way I truly feel.
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I would start individual therapy as well as marriage counselling.
Figure out where these feelings are coming from, and if they can be addressed.
Then decide if the relationship is still meeting your needs.
ngl maybe you’re meant to be with someone else. there’s a reason you are upset with his faults and stuff. he might not be a bad guy but maybe you wanna be with someone else who doesn’t have these faults that are constantly making u feel so upset. sometimes even if 2 people love eachother it doesn’t work cause they genuinely aren’t a good match. u guys could be growing differently. i don’t really know the context of what his “faults” are so maybe that would help us better understand . but u can’t force urself to love someone
You’re holding back your feelings of hate to him and pretending everything is okay? He has no idea? The on and off again feelings could be a sign that you’re actual depressed or the marriage has gone stale for you. How’s your sex life? If you’re mood is hating him are you even sleeping in the same bed.? Do you have a therapist? I am trying not to give you the usual advice you get on reddit which is you should leave. A therapist will help you with the negative emotions and feelings.
Loving someone is an active choice you make when you wake up every day.
You are not a bad person for having these feelings. You are completely normal, and many people go through these phases.
These feelings are coming from somewhere inside of you and you alone, and it is your responsibility as a partner to find the source and to rectify your own thought processes before it harms your partner. A therapist can help with this, but ultimately, it’s up to you.
Do you have any needs that aren’t being met? Are you particularly judgemental towards yourself and are perhaps projecting these feelings outwards? Do you feel stuck in a monotonous routine? Have you felt held back from being who you believe you are as a person?
These feelings warrant a conversation with your partner. You shouldn’t have to deal with any issues alone. What’s left unsaid is only going to fester into even more exaggerated emotions.
Just remember, you matter, your partner matters, and these feelings are normal. Find the root of where these feelings are coming from and go from there.
You were both young, but only you were naive? It sounds like you’re putting fault on his shoulders and excusing yourself, so you’re putting any frustration as his responsibility.
It’s time to go to therapy OP. What you’re describing is a fearful avoidant attachment style. It’s really not very common to switch between feeling very in love with somebody and completely hating them without a reason. Generally people lose feelings over a period of time. They get the dick, and lose feelings all at once. Swinging between two extremes is actually a reflection of Cole wounds, and your attachment style. This is not something that you can heal on your own with conscious intention, it’s something that you need to see a therapist about.
The discussed, the resentment, and the hatred you feel towards your spouse are likely because you’re not communicating needs in a transparent and effective manner. This means you are not having your needs. It also likely means that you are being triggered, and you are deactivating into a state of subconscious pattering that takes over your conscious thoughts. This is why the feelings get deeper each time you go through a period of deactivation. Your subconscious will reinforce its pattering by finding in your partner.
It’s a really unhealthy and insecure way to attach to another person. It’s time you take this very seriously, and get yourself to therapy so you can do some very real work. I’m not talking about a counselor. I’m talking about an attachment specialist. Someone who has studied either EFT or ACT, and can reasonably support you through healing so that you can have consistent attachment and emotional intimacy and connection with your partner.
I think the main thing, is that you don’t actually have any grievances towards your partner. You have a strong feelings, and I’m imagining that they don’t make a ton of sense, except that they are self reinforcing. Feelings of discussed and contempt are often the signal of the end of a relationship, and it’s rare that you swing back towards feelings of deep, deep love and connection. You’re on a slip bra, lope, and the deactivation and discussed will get worse with time. Your resentment tank is likely overflowing, and because your relationship has been going on for so long, it’s going to be difficult to clear these resentment within the marriage and a healthy and successful way without professional support.
It’s important that when we self reflect, we take accountability for the fact that there are skills that are not inborn. Some skills must be taught, and people with attachment insecurity have this for a reason. They are typically lacking in the skills that allow them to attach securely to their partner. So, when you become aware of this, don’t try and convince yourself that this isn’t a new issue, it absolutely is a new issue.
It’s also an issue that can be entirely resolved, as you heal and move towards secure attachment. They will have to be changes in yourself and your relationship in order for this to happen, but it will actually bring you closer together.
Many people who struggle with insecure attachments, do not even understand that this is happening. More than 90% of how we connect with other people is subconscious. Our subconscious pattern is so deep that we think that these patterns don’t exist. We think that our thoughts in our feelings are created from the environment around us, but that isn’t necessarily the case as our attachment style is general relief formed before the H3. Then self reinforces over the course of our lifetime. Without intervention and will continue to do so.
Good luck, and know that all of these skills can be learned. That insecure attachment can be turned to secure attachment. That relationships that go through these transitions and stronger, more intimate, more consistent, and more loving and understanding. You don’t have to pull that the entire house, to reinforce your foundation.
This might be different than most people are thinking. Beings your mood goes up and down, how about a checkup? Include things like Vit D, B12, Iron/ferritin, thyroid panel. Maybe even hormones.
I’m not sure if you’ve already looked at this route but therapy might be helpful to you, as well as seeing a GP for hormone levels and these changes, meds, hormones etc can have a massive impact 🙂 wishing you the best