27M and 26F, no kids.
We have been in a Sexless marriage for 8 months. It’s less than 1x a month. She has refused to do anything to change and just says this is how she is.
I have read some of the posts where breakup or divorce is used as a manipulation to get sex. Also there are some breakups where incompatibility is genuine.
How long should you wait before you leave ?
Is there a normal frequency? 1x a month? 1x a week ? What if someone wants sex everyday and the other person doesn’t?
When is a genuine consideration given to the relationship okay ?
Tldr: when is a divorce in a sexless marriage okay ?
Edit: we didn’t have sex before marriage. It’s not a big deal in my country. Where I live this is the norm and most couples don’t have sex before marriage
Edit: why are people assuming that I’m bad at sex and blaming me? I’m not making my wife a bad person for not wanting sex, the same should apply to me
Comments
Have you asked for
Counseling?
When it’s not working for YOU. Considering she thinks it is fine, I’d say now.
There’s never a right number for every marriage – the right number is what works for both of you. But you probably had tons of time before marriage to learn that number, right?
I’ll ask a different question
What are you doing differently so that her interest in sex has decreased since marriage?
> I have read some of the posts where breakup or divorce is used as a manipulation to get sex.
Well yeah, when that’s used as a threat instead of a fact.
If she is completely unwilling to change and has just decided she will never have sex with you again, then yes, you should leave.
Man, I hate to be that guy, but tbh if she’s refusing to compromise or even work on it and it’s important to u, that’s a big red flag right there. You guys gotta be on the same page bout this stuff. Leaving doesn’t always = manipulation, sometimes it’s just acknowledging the incompatibility. Life’s too short for u to be unhappy, dude. Do what feels right. Just my 2 cents, tho.
I (24F) thought I just didn’t like sex and then my bf got a vibe for us to use and i’m a changed women! Maybe there is hope for y’all if you spice it up.
Also hormones play a big factor so maybe that could be an issue
Divorce is ok if the relationship isn’t working for you anymore for ANY reason. You don’t need us to tell you it’s ok to consider a divorce.
When you feel like the marriage and love is over.
Your marriage lasted less than a year before it went sexless?
Divorce is okay when your need aren’t met and there’s no effort to change. No “normal” sex frequency… what matters is if you both agree. If she won’t meet your needs and it’s causing pain, don’t wait too long to leave
Once a month isn’t sexless. It’s once a month.
You can divorce for whatever reason you want
Why doesnt she want sex? She may say who this is who she is… but. How does this compare to before you were married and what has changed? Have you talked about what may help her feel more in the mood?
I love my partner dearly, but weve been together 5 years and we’ve done long stretches without sex when one of us is going through a lot at work/there are threats of layoffs. I feel like it’s a myth that healthy relationships have regular, active sex lives all the time. Your body responds to all the life stress that you cant necessarily control and that does impact your libido.
I also know when ive dated people who were emotional toddlers and i had to help them manage their feelings, that last thing i wanted to do was fuck them. They were so draining.
So while im not denying that your wife may just not be that sexual, id put a lot of effort into understanding specifically what she means before throwing a tantrum and looking at divorce since it doesnt read like you actually tried to understand that much.
That said, you both got married really young. It could also be that maybe youre growing into who you are and youre just not that compatible. Or it could be that you never learned to communicate effectively and have been suppressing issues for a while, resentment is building, and she doesnt want to be intimate with you.
Basically, your post doesnt read like youve tried that hard to fix the problem. There could be missing details though. Unclear.
“Also there are some breakups where incompatibility is genuine.”
You’re genuinely sexually incompatible. It’s okay to leave if you’re not happy and the partner doesn’t want anything to change.
Have you asked her why she doesn’t want to have sex more often? Are you sure she’s just not attracted to you?
My question is was it like this before marriage and if not what changed?
There is no normal in how frequently or type of physical intimacy as it varies from person to person relationship to relationship. People may disagree but if there was no problem before and now there are it’s not…just who she is. It is who she is now and the question then becomes why. Which may never give you an answer so at the end of the day you have to decide..and it isn’t just sex. Every relationship every day yiu make a choice if the + >- and if it’s not, if whatever the issue is is not something you can seriously see yourself doing for the next 20-50 years change it.
Talk about it, move on. Both of you will just make each other miserable with resentment.
If you have kids it’ll probably get worse, and the logistics of a divorce will be even more difficult
You cant counsel your way into more sex. If its not compatible then it never will be. Unless she gets on hormones.
Leave iv been married 15 years and get it 4-6 times a week. No sex no go
She’s not going to change – as you said – so what are you waiting for? You deserve better than this.
That said, have you tried to seduce her? Have you offered massages and affection? Have you spent time learning how to be a great lover in case she does decide to try?
Finally, have you thought about why she is this way? Is your behavior a factor or did she just bait you to get married?
Do you go down on her? Do you ever prioritize her pleasure? The tone of your comments makes it seem like you’re only thinking about yourself and not her.
If it’s an arranged marriage like you say, it’s likely she doesn’t like or want to have sex. It’s not like she found the man of her dreams and suddenly stopped wanting it… it was arranged. Be grateful for the sex you get when you essentially buy a wife who’s probably not actually happy 😬 I feel bad for her. Being purchased as a sex doll sucks, who would have thought..