My (27M) marriage is in a really bad spot after a deep breach of trust. Idk how to recover or how to trust my wife (30F) again.
For some context, we’ve been together 7 years and married 5. We have a child (2M). We met at a con. I thought her cosplay was amazing, struck up a conversation, and the rest is history. She’s the most loving, unselfish, and decent person I’ve ever met.
Our relationship was never without its challenges. Our biggest obstacle was her family. My presence was unwelcome. They’re very close-knit, and if one doesn’t accept you, then you’re not getting far.
There are a few family members who broke away from the pack, but no one hardly acknowledges them. They’re no contact and black sheep.
I didn’t know how my wife’s family was, but I did know family was extremely important to her. Her whole upbringing was based on family. So I tried everything in my power to make it work. They didn’t really put up with me until our son.
Between our wedding planning to shortly before the wedding, I was the target of some relentless and vicious cyberbullying. It got personal. Fake bad reviews polluted my business profile too. It cost me some potential clients.
I didn’t know where it came from or why. I couldn’t find a solution. I’d report, but it’d take a while for anything to be done, or there’d be more accounts coming out for another round. The whole thing impacted my life and my mental health. It took a toll.
My wife was incredibly supportive. She was my rock and my best friend. I loved her even more for her care and how she held me down. Then the trolling and everything stopped.
I wanted nothing more than to move on. I put it all behind me until the other day my wife confessed that her family was behind the harassment. I didn’t believe her at first, but she was serious and showed me proof in their family group chat.
It felt like I was right back there again. They were gloating and justifying themselves. Saying stuff like “Some people gotta learn the hard way” and “If he wants to join the fold, here’s his initiation.”
I knew I wasn’t their favorite person, but I never realized they hated me and would go to such extremes. I asked my wife when did she find out and if she was a part of it. She swore she wasn’t and that she’d never do that to me.
She claims she didn’t initially know it was her family until a few months before our wedding. One of my SIL’s (28F) left a profile up on her phone, and my wife saw it. She confronted her family and made them stop.
I asked why she was telling me everything now. She said it was weighing on her, and she opened up to her eldest sister (35F), one of the family’s black sheep. She threatened to tell me the truth if my wife didn’t.
Nothing my wife said made it better. She knew for years what her family did and hid it from me. She kept everything quiet. It hurts more coming from her because she knew firsthand my pain.
I was pretty numb. My wife was anxious and kept pushing for me to say something. I told her there wasn’t anything she could say right now that would make it ok. What she did was no better than her family. They made my life hell, and her first instinct was to cover for them.
She started crying and begged me to understand. She said it wasn’t like that, and she was trying to make things right with as little damage as possible and mend relationships.
I wasn’t very receptive to her. She wasn’t reaching me. I couldn’t help her or myself. I told her I needed some time to clear my head. She was against it. She said we could work through this together, but I was firm on space.
Space isn’t a request she’s respected. I’m really trying to understand her side. I’m trying to move past it, but I feel so betrayed. I trusted her more than anyone. I’m my most vulnerable with her. I kept opening up to her about the incident even after she knew the truth.
She encouraged me to let it go and not allow it to have any claim on me. I thought she had my best interest in mind. Now I just see it as her attempt to protect her family yet again.
I haven’t confronted anyone involved. I don’t think they’re worth it. But I’ve made it clear they’re no longer allowed to see our son until further notice. Now I’m getting texts about how I’m depriving my child of grandparents and aunts over past family spats.
One of the hardest parts is the distance from my wife. She’s my best friend and partner in every way. Now we’re mostly only communicating about our son and other household necessities.
She’s hurt by my rejection, and she’s been crying often. Idk if I’m being unfair to her. I hate all of this. I want to make our marriage work, but I’m questioning our relationship up to now. I’m just really lost. I need an outside perspective.
How do I navigate this situation and move forward for my marriage and myself?
TL;DR My marriage is in a bad spot. Idk how to trust my wife again. I was the target of some relentless and vicious cyberbullying for months. It impacted my life and my mental health. I put it behind me until my wife confessed that her family was the culprit. She showed me proof in their group chat. I knew I wasn’t their favorite person, but I never realized they hated me. My wife swears she didn’t initially know and that she made them stop. But she still hid it for years. She begged me to understand and said that she was trying to make things right for us and our son. I asked for space to clear my head. She hasn’t exactly respected that request. I’m really trying to move past it, but I feel so betrayed by her. Idk if I’m being unfair. I want to make our marriage work, but I’m questioning everything. How do I navigate this situation and move forward for my marriage and myself?
Comments
Well, I’d be done.
Your marriage is over. This is a massive breach of trust in which she chose her family time after time over you and your marriage.
Not buying it
Personally I don’t think I could come back from this. Your wife defended people who tried to ruin your life for no reason. These aren’t just some “strangers”-these are her family. What if something similar happens in the future, could you count on your wife being there for you, sticking up for you, and taking your side? I highly doubt it
She let them hurt you. You were hurt because her family is messed up.
Then she covered it up, and did not defend you or seek justice.
Now, you’re stuck because you’re married and you have a child together. She thinks now that she’s been honest – which she was forced to do by a “black sheep” sister who is the only one who has any morals- her conscience is clear and you have to just let it go.
Don’t. If she don’t respect your request for space – another boundary she is bulldozing- then move out.
I’d be gone- this won’t get better. You can’t trust her, and she’ll always cover for them. She isn’t your partner.
I think what is bothering me most is that your wife is still not getting it. She doesn’t understand how vile her family is, and if they did it once, they could do it again. They took your money, your peace of mind, your confidence. Even though she stopped it, she never told you, leaving you to wonder why and who.
And “past family spats”? It’s not like this was a little tiff and they apologized and you won’t let it go.
I’d suggest therapy for you both, and I don’t even know. At the very least, you’ll learn how to co-parent together if you can’t save the marriage. Maybe a therapist can get her to see how huge this is.
Here is the thing, in a marriage, you are supposed to be the most important person, you would go through hell and back for each other, that is a healthy one. She on the other hand has been brainwashed all her life by her family, who clearly don’t have a healthy relationship at all. She is as much part of the problem as well as a victim. Here is what I would do, I would tell her that she needs to go to therapy and talk about her family, at least for a year. Second, you cut out the family, because your child is going to be brainwashed the same way she was. Maybe wait a couple of months while she is in therapy so she can actually understand the why and not just see it as you making her choose out of spite. If she fights this, tell her that her family is the reason why all of this is happening, that they, with how they are, have made her have to choose her marriage or her family. If she stills doesn’t let them go, I am sorry man, but you will always be second to her family, decide what you may with that information.
So her idea of “making things right” is to lie to you for years, providing cover for the awful, awful people who did this to you?
Any decent partner would cut that “family” off without a backward glance.
I am so sorry, OP, you must be reeling.
She didn’t feel guilty until her sister threatened to tell you so your wife went into damage control with crocodile tears only you can choose if you can get past her betrayal
It sounds like she got them to stop as soon as she found out. You wouldn’t be wrong to end things over this but at the same time, I think she was maybe in a hard place as well because she knew that as soon as you found out, she probably couldn’t be close with her family anymore, even if they are pretty terrible. Why do they hate you so much?
She is the one who does not understand. If she did, and she actually loved you, she would have apologized and offered to make the divorce as amicable as possible. What she did was worse than her family. 1000% times worse. They were top tier assholes doing that, but it was your fucking partner who was comforting you while covering for them. She protected them not you, while just letting the cruelty continue. She just watched you hurt.
Love, real love, isn’t just some warm fuzzy feeling in your tummy. You can get that from your favorite TV show and a bowl of ice cream. Real love is a verb. It’s a thing you do (or don’t).
I’m sorry, but your wife doesn’t love you, and deep down you know this. Imagine doing this to somebody you love. Your wife, your kids. Can you? No, because you actually love them. Imagine somebody putting your wife through what you went to, imagine knowing who was behind it and covering for them. Can you fathom that? Can you even fucking picture it? No. Because you love your wife.
Your wife doesn’t love you. If she did, she would never have been capable of this.
Your wife does not care about his you feel and she definitely doesn’t respect you. She allowed her family to bully you and hurt you. There’s no forgiving this. She only told you because her sister was going to do the right thing, not her.
Please talk to a lawyer to see what your options look like. Your wife is selfish, a liar and a bully.
Please don’t bring kids into this toxic family.
Updateme
This is incredibly toxic and a massive breach in trust. Hope can she be your best friend and your person if she allows you to be attacked like this.
You should be going scorched earth on her family. I’ll reserve judgement on your wife but I wouldn’t rang to be in that relationship
At this point the only thing I can think of that could maybe, just maybe, fix things is to cut everyone in her family that had anything to do with this permanently.
She chose what was easiest for herself and her feelings and in so doing protected your abusers instead of you. You’re at best her 3rd priority and that’s only if she doesn’t much like your kid, otherwise you’re fucking 4th.
How you going to stay married to someone that puts you fourth?
There’s no other way to consider this. Telling you the truth would mean having to actually address what her family had done instead of sweep it under the rug. There would have been actual consequences for them instead of just for you, and she decided she didn’t want that, not because it was in any way good for you but because it was easiest for her.
Hell, she only came clean because her more moral sister essentially blackmailed her to. Your wife had to be blackmailed to stop protecting your abusers and tell you the truth.
I don’t know how you can look at her and think “she’s such a good person otherwise”, like yeah, John Wayne Gacy was a wonderful birthday clown if you ignore all the fucking murder, but since when do you ignore all the fucking murder.
Your wife sucks, my dude. In what way would you not be better off without her? Let her and her shitty family have each other. They can tell her they won while she mourns the loss of the only good person in her immediate circle.
Maybe date the sister that made her tell the truth. She sounds great.
Gonna take the other path here – your wife should have said something immediately. Not going to dispute that. That’s a major fuck up on her end. I don’t know if I’d end the marriage over it, especially considering she sounds wonderful outside of this instance. People mess up sometimes. She’s also in a rough spot as a result. She probably wanted to talk to you about it, but didn’t want to drive a wedge further between you and her family. Obviously waiting this long made it all worse, but unless I’m misreading this entirely she likely had good intentions.
Personally I’d have a longer discussion with her about this. I’d tell her how messed up it was, and you want to know if there’s anything else she hasn’t told you. Clear the air if you want to try and fix things between you two.
But before that, I’d probably confront the family about. In a semi hostile way. Letting that slide would eat me forever.
Her family put her in a terrible position, and I can understand why she didn’t want to tell you when she found out.
That doesn’t mean that she was justified in that decision.
Sometimes being in a relationship means you have to have hard conversations, and she just tried to sweep this whole situation under the rug, which is not ok.
I would have a hard time trusting her again.
Also her family sounds like a cult.
She isn’t your best friend or partner. A best friend and partner wouldn’t keep this from you.
A few concerning things I would want to know, is your son safe around her family? Emotional abuse (because that’s what they did to you) can have a massive negative impact on children. I wouldn’t want my child around these people anymore. No contact would be a must requirement until you got a better grasp of the situation.
You said this had a negative impact on your business. What were the financial implications? You know you could sue her family for this and especially the loss of income. I would be speaking to your wife about that and ask how she is going to ensure that her family compensates you for that.
Finally, do you want to be married to a woman would is so weak that she would let her family do that to you? Did these people come to your wedding? Do you spend the holidays with them?
I’m not saying just walk out the door because it’s more complicated than that, but honestly your wife isn’t someone you can trust to have your back. This is a massive betrayal and I would be making sure you are protected and your son is protected from these people. That behaviour is not normal.
I’m so sorry. It’s all so painful, and it’s extremely hard to come back from that.
Two things stood out to me:
she isn’t respecting your boundary for space. That is pretty serious. You need that space and she just isn’t giving you which tells me she’s making it all about her own pain. Her own pain that she indirectly caused, imo.
she’s still covering up her family. Even after the cruel actions they did. I’ll be with you, I wouldn’t let my child hang around that family ever again.
I can’t tell you what I’d do cuz I’m not sure but I’d get myself in therapy and really work on an exit plan.
This is just one of those things that is extremely hard to come back from , especially more so when your wife still isn’t taking responsibility or actions to show you she’s on your side.
She covered for her family. That was her first instinct. She cared more about covering it up than you. She showed you who she is. She stuck by her family and not you. How can you move forward? You’ll never trust what she says. Are you supposed to just hang with her family now? No, this is marriage ending
Hell no. Id be dine. Its one thing to accept that her family has been doing this to you for years…..but she knew….before you even married. How the hell could she even look at you while she knew this was going on.
The only reason why she told you is that he sister threatened to expose them.
These are horrible people.
I would consider showing her your post and the comments. Her family is off-the-charts toxic and she still doesn’t have your back. My heart hurts for you.
She needs to get into therapy to learn how incredibly toxic her family is and really understand how big her part of this is. Also, couples counseling to see if you’ll be able to work through this or not. Regardless, she needs to agree for minimally you and your child being NC with her family for the foreseeable future.
You don’t move past it. You divorce! Problem solved no more toxic people in your life.
The only way I see to salvage your marriage would be to move away from your wife’s family and go no contact with everyone (except the other black sheep). You would still need marriage counseling but I don’t see that working if the family is still in the picture. However, it seems unlikely that your wife would agree to that. She has chosen her family every time. She only confessed to you because her sister would have told you otherwise. I think that for your own peace of mind you should suggest a fresh start with your wife, but prepare for a separation and divorce.
I think the only way forward is marriage counseling. Your child is never around her family except the black sheep folks, and you and your wife go low or no contact with the offending family members. Maybe move somewhere new to get away from them. Offer the wife those terms or divorce. She can pick your family (you and your son) or her birth family (the offending members), but she’s not going to get to keep both. This is a major betrayal. She needs to pick your side, or yall can divorce. Maybe move close to your family. You’re young, you can recover from this if you have to divorce.
As an aside, make sure to gather evidence of the chats in case you need them in court (either family law or a civil lawsuit for damages for the damage to your business).
I don’t see how you could ever trust her again. She put her family before you when they were actively abusing you, dude. What if you have a kid and the family decides they don’t like the kid? She gonna protect them or help them hide their abuse from you?
Your marriage is over. She stuck by her family by covering for them. She’ll never choose you over her family. Send her back to mommy and daddy.
I couldn’t imagine trying to rebuild after that level of betrayal. Has anyone tried to make amends? Take ownership of their actions? She can make excuses all she wants, but it doesn’t sound like she’s taking accountability. I don’t know if I would even be open to continuing. I’d be having a heart to heart with my lawyer to see what custody arrangements would look like.
Ask her to make them apologize in person if they won’t tell her to make a choice.She can choose you and your kid or them.
You need therapy. Individual and couples. Part of why she did what she did is because of familial influence, and she needs to learn how to cut those apron strings. Therapy can help.
Sorry. She is NOT your best friend. Never was.
Updateme
That’s brutal. If you still want to make this work, you will absolutely need marriage counseling. I’d stay firm on no contract with the family for the time being.
Good luck, your dealing with shit people and your wife covered for them for years.
Your best friend betrayed you, she is not your best friend. If it happened again, she would do it again. I would end the relationship….What you believe about her genuineness is a damaged woman run by a family without scruples. They will interfere with any life you have with her, and she is not healthy enough to stop them. Please get some counseling and end this.
Man. Wow, im really sorry this happened to you. The good thing is your wife shut them down as soon as she found out. The hard part is she married you, knowing all this. Have you thought of marriage counseling? I dont know what else to recommend. Good luck
Bare minimum for me would be for her to cut her toxic family off, except for any who didn’t participate in the bullying, go no contact. If she can’t do that bare minimum then she’s making her choice to end the marriage. If she does, then I think there’s a chance with counseling to heal and move forward.
I would look into suing her family. What they did cost you.
I’d file for divorce and see if I could prosecute them. That is a felony.
Do you want your child to be raised with their “non-black sheep” cousins, whose horrible parents perpetrated this? She is close with her family despite this- BIG RED FLAG. I don’t know how you will get past this. Plus she doesn’t respect your boundary when you want space. If she pushes the issue, show her this page.
The only way is to go nc with her family. That includes your wife going nc. They need to understand what they did.