I, 28 f, and my bf, 30m, have been together for a few months. I got a divorce last year, escaping a very abusive marriage that last only a year and a half. My ex husband and I met when in 2020, I was 23, he was 33. He hid two prior marriages from me and forged governmental documents. He was very controlling, 23 year old me thought he was being a mentor. 23 year old me also thought that he loved me so much because he proposed to me within 3 months of knowing him. It was mostly long distance and we got married in September 2022.
Fast forward to April 2023, I was depressed, I always had infections, he was violent, I was sleeping a lot, I gained 27 pounds, and I had the weirdest pains regularly, was on 13 pills a day for inflammations, pain killers, anti biotics, digestive problems, acne that I never had before. My parents rescued me in April and when my lawyers found out about the two previous marriages, the forged documents, and the fact that he stole a tourism company from an ex fiancee of his as well, he got done with all the divorce paperwork in weeks and I was divorced in July 2024.
I later found out through medical tests I was drugged and SAed in my sleep on occasion.
Fast forward to January 2025, I’ve been in therapy, I have had a good job for a few months, my MA is going well, and there is a very cute guy who works at a different department at my company. He’s been my boyfriend since April.
Our schedules are very tight, I have the office, I freelance as a teacher, then I work on my MA while his job requires that he travels a lot, and again, we live very far apart from each other.
He has so many responsibilities and he commutes at least 4 hours a day.
What he offers me is usually less than the bare minimum but I’m sure this is all he can do for now. Yet, I spiral.
I spiral sometimes thinking that he’s taking me for granted, that he doesn’t value me, that he would rather talk to his colleagues and all the people he has to talk to on a daily basis than spend time with me. I know that’s not true, I know he makes time for me when he’s around, I know he texts me when he can, I know he loves me because he’s said it. I know he cares because he got me a very specific present for my birthday that he wouldn’t have bought if he didn’t truly know me and pay attention to my details.
I feel like I’m a burden to him because I want him to talk to me every day.
I lose my mind if I can’t see him for a few days because he’s either in meetings all day and has to work extra hours. When he’s around and I don’t see him I take it very personally. He’s exhasuted and I feel like I’m breaking his back just by wishing to see him.
I may be too attached to him because he never lets me spiral and he takes care of me and I can’t maintain my sanity for a few days without him. I keep thinking he makes time for all of those people, why not me, and that makes me feel like a narcissist or something.
It has only been a few months, I don’t know if this is too much. How to communicate my feelings without overwhelming him? he’s already very overwhelmed by other stuff.
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What does your therapist say about this? He sounds like he’s doing all he can, and you use terms like “spiral” and “lose my mind” when he is not available for what sound like very good/solid reasons. You’ve only been out of your abusive marriage for a short time, if I understand correctly. Seems like maybe you started dating too soon, perhaps you aren’t ready/fully independent if you’re staking so much on a few months’ dating relationship?
From my perspective, you have a lot of anxious attachment tendencies, and you haven’t figured out how to self-soothe/cope yet. I recommend working with your therapist on self-soothing methods and habits so that you can regulate your emotions by yourself.
If you’re relying on your partner to stabilize your emotions, you’re dooming your relationship. You are responsible for your feelings. You are responsible for normalizing yourself and becoming a stronger person. The more strain you put on your boyfriend, the more he is going to ask for space and pull away, until the relationship fails.
That being said, I cannot imagine going a few days without talking to my partner. Does that include texting and phone calls? If you get radio silence for a few days, you and him clearly have different relationship styles, which is only going to hurt you.
Instead of trying to force this relationship style to work, despite it hurting you, I suggest you work on yourself, be by yourself for a bit while you process and heal, and eventually look for a relationship that actually works for YOU and your attachment style.
I’m sure this isn’t what you want to hear but it sounds like you really need to be single for a while so you can learn how to regulate your own emotions. Your boyfriend is clearly overwhelmed and it’s good that you’re aware of that, but you need to learn how to self-soothe and cope with your anxiety on your own. This is a very new relationship, so what were you doing to self-soothe before this guy came along? You can’t be relying on him to stop you from spiralling. You need to have your own coping strategies in place because relationships are not guaranteed to last.
Sounds like you’re putting all your eggs in 1 basket, with a person that you barely know and anxious that if he drops the basket, you’ll lose it all. You’ve given him all the power over your happiness/ emotions by giving him all your “eggs”, that causes anxiousness. On top of that, you sound insecure and don’t value the importance of your “eggs”. You’ll ignore red flags and tolerate things you shouldn’t in this position. Just like you did before, fantasized he was amazing life partner despite not dating very long to get if that’s true. History repeats itself until you earn the lesson. It’s the whole point of psychology, learning your patterns so you stop repeating toxic cycles.
Invest in friendships, focus on work/ school, improving your life. Spread the eggs. If he drops you, you’ll be ok because your life is so much more than him. It’s been 3 months and you’re too attached, because of who you fantasize who he will be in your life.
Think about messages you’re telling yourself, it’s self defeating. Wanting to talk to him most days is normal, it doesn’t make you a burden. Tell yourself, “It’s been 3 months. He seems great, but there’s still a lot to learn. This may not work out and I will be ok. I’m a great catch, I will find the right person if it’s not him. I will not feel guilty for standing up for myself and speaking my needs and will walk away if he’s not capable of giving me that. I will find the right person by not wasting time with the wrong person.”
It’s okay to feel like you’re holding on too tight after everything you’ve been through… sometimes love can make us lose track of ourselves, but that doesn’t mean you’re alone in this. You deserve someone who makes you feel secure without needing constant reassurance. Have you thought about what kind of relationship you want moving forward?
You may need to end this relationship out of possibility you turn into a toxic partner. That’s if the below is too difficult for you. No problem if it is, were only human.
What’s in your control? Truly, the only thing is, your response. Examine his actions and words for what they are, not for what they could possibly represent and ground yourself in the now. I have a similar problem to you, my significant other feels almost “engineered” but really my past experiences were so horrific that the smallest acts of kindness feel gargantuan.
Understand their action are their own, and respond to their actions however feels best. If for whatever reason the relationship goes awful or sour, then you know you were brave. Who could ever hate that? I’m proud of you.