A few months ago my previous coworker was replaced by someone new to the company, who is a married woman that I mentioned in the title. Long story short, we have become extremely close given how short of a time we’ve known each other, and as much as I hate to admit it, I have developed some feelings for her (I’m also single).
For context, our personalities mesh amazingly. I dont think I’ve connected with a person this way before (including people I’ve dated). We talk endlessly, text often, and we spend a huge amount of time together: the nature of our work makes our workday pretty intertwined, we sometimes hang out in the office after the end of the workday, we go to the gym together every other day, and also hang out in group events set up by other coworkers our age. Needless to say, we love each other’s company. She has admitted to me that she thinks she likes spending time with me too much, and that when we’re at the gym, she wishes that she could stay with me all night but of course she has to go home to her husband at some point.
Beyond that, the past few weeks especially we have become a lot more touchy with each other. We’ll often shove each other/touch when we’re teasing, and often when we play games together in the office there’s a lot of arm/leg contact where we’re pretty much leaning into each other. I suppose the worst case of it is the hugging…. a bit of time ago we had some personal conversations where she said at the end that she feels like she should hug me, and since then we hug a lot. She tells me that I can hug her whenever I want, and it has become more casual for it to happen over time (the latest example is after work, she asked if she’d see me in a few minutes after heading to the gym and extended her arms out to hug me which was surprising to me since there was no personal conversations going on). We’ll often hug before leaving the gym, and the hugs are definitely getting longer (I will shamefully admit that it sometimes happens because I ask….)
I like to think that on my end, at some point I should be able to control my emotions and not let all this get to me, and we can then continue to be close friends with nothing weird going on, but I can’t honestly say for sure that that’ll happen inevitably, only time will tell. Do I need to have a conversation with her about this? Even if I end up controlling my emotions is this type of behavior unfair to her husband (for what its worth ive never met him either)? Are we deep into abnormal behavior territory for friends? I feel conflicted and would love some outside perspective.
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Dude you are cheating and need to end it now. This is emotional cheating and you are going to get dragged for this. Tell her that you appreciate your friendship but you don’t want to be the cause of any marital strife and should step back from the amount of time you are giving to each other. That is the most precious thing we have and you are taking it from the person she chose to give her love to.
This won’t end well, get out while you can 🙃
It’s emotional cheating. If this behavior continues, it will escalate.
You need to protect your heart. She’s married and leading you on – how do I know this?, easy, she hasn’t left her husband.
Put in place boundaries with her, and spend your time with, and direct your attention to, women who are available, and who have a value system of respecting their spouse enough either to put in place boundaries with anyone who might threaten their marriage (because of their own feelings or otherwise) and/or to break up with their spouse rather than commit a terrible betrayal.
Yes set boundaries as in no contact and/or find a new job.
Also read the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass – specifically the coworker section.
You’re only getting a portion of this woman, which is why it feels easy and free.
She is not available to be in a relationship so you might want to seek therapy for why you’re pursuing someone who is wholly unavailable to you.
Well, she is already cheating her husband with you. Emotionally. If you’re not trying to be an even bigger dick, i would set boundaries. You’re one office party away from screwing her in the conference room. And remember, if she can cheat on her husband, she can cheat on you.
You are having an emotional affair with her. Which is very quickly moving towards becoming a physical affair.
To be clear, an emotional affair IS cheating. So you are actively participating in helping her betray her husband. In some ways an emotional affair can have more insidious aspects than a physical affair. When something physical is happening it requires your body. Which can be superficial by its very nature. When something emotional is happening you are moving beyond surface connection into the intimacy of your heart and mind. It’s deeply personal on a soul level.
I think you also need to step back and look at the implications of continuing your affair with someone who is also a co-worker. Everything is all lovey dovey right now but you have zero guarantee it’s going to stay this way. You think she’s amazing so you don’t want to imagine even the possibility of her ever turning on you or getting angry with you. However, that very thing plays out in work spaces ALL of the time. All it takes is her getting mad at you about one thing. It could be something work related or something that upset her from the emotional/physical of your relationship. Either way, if she gets angry about anything then she can easily make your job environment miserable.
Or her partner could find out about your relationship with her and she could decide to throw you under the bus by lying to him and saying she didn’t want your attention. That you forced it on her. People can say some pretty awful, and selfish, things to deflect blame.
At any given time she could easily decide to make a sexual harassment accusation against you in HR. It will be your word against hers. Even if you are cleared of wrongdoing you could end up with a sexual harassment investigation documented in your work records that has the potential to follow you for the rest of your life.
Or you could lose your job.
None of the options mentioned here are pleasant. It’s a mistake to have an affair with a colleague. Not only does it offer evidence of poor character it could also wreck your professional life.
Please stop this disrespectful behavior. This is not ok and you know it. That’s why you are here. If she is having an affair with you ( emotional and borderline physical) knowing she is married, what does this say about her character? She is a cheater. And you too. Do you like your job? Because this is not going to end well.
You are cheating. Stop doing that.