I actually posted in a different group yesterday about how my husband makes negative comments about me. (To make it short so you don’t have to go looking : I’m disabled. I wasn’t when we first got together. He makes negative comments when I have accomplishments now). I was willing to fix things just yesterday. Unfortunately I did not get the chance to talk to him about it, because we ended up busy last night. He went to bed before me and must have fallen asleep with his phone in his hand. I went to go move it and saw my name on the screen, except it wasn’t my picture and they were missed calls. I hadn’t called him. This prompted me to take a look in his phone.
What I found is that he’s been in a kind of relationship with a woman who has the same name as me. I spent hours reading these texts. Some notable things I found through them…they’ve met 4 times. He calls her all of the time, like literally every time I’m not around for hours at a time. She has the same name as me (this doesn’t matter but my name isn’t common so what are the odds LOL). She knows we live together and they talk a lot about me. They’ve had sex twice. The real kicker though and the part that weirdly hurts the most? He took my experiences and personality to cheat. She’s basically dating me. He acts like he dislikes me so much, but lies to her and says my experiences are his, fakes his personality as mine such as his dislikes snd likes, his interests, etc. him and I are not that alike and I’ve known him for 15 years. So I know he used my personality and isn’t just the same as me. Experience wise he told her his friend recently died, which isn’t true. MY friend did. He didn’t even like my friend or spend any time around them. He told her he recently took a trip. He did not. I did. He told her he had all of my special interests. He does not. Plus more. While doing this he made me out to be the worst person ever. Made up a whole new personality for me that doesn’t exist with bad things happening between us that did not ever happen. I felt like i was in a different world by time I got done reading.
Anyway, I confronted him about it all this morning. He immediately started apologizing, called the woman in front of me and told her he doesn’t want her. (Did not ask him to do this. I was just sitting there dumbfounded not knowing what to do). He finally said we could go to therapy together. He went on and on about how my disability has hurt him and how I have hurt him because I’ve changed. After a few hours of him going on I told him I wanted a divorce because this is just crazy to me. Not only is it crazy to cheat imo, but it’s crazy to basically role play as a man version of me and makes me feel even more uncomfortable than the cheating itself. He keeps telling me “we can get through this. We get through everything together, that’s what we’ve always done!” And has also said that there must be another guy I’m interested in if I’m willing to just leave like this. He also will not let me take the kids tonight if I leave so I’m not sure what I’m going to do about immediate living arrangements.
It’s time for a divorce right? I mean I don’t think any one could possibly work through this?
Comments
You are absolutely right.
It’s monstrous that he’s blaming your disability for this. Going through difficult times doesn’t make you roleplay online as your wife, while putting her down and fucking someone else. Pathetic.
Working through it would mean you learning to trust him again and can you ever? Writing is on the wall, sis. I’m sorry.
Do you have family who will support you? If so, they willhelp you to leave.
I see no mention of children. That makes divorce much easier.
I hope you took photos of his texts. I recommend talking to an attorney about whether you should cite adultery as grounds for divorce. It might help in property division. As a disabled young woman, you need to make sure you have assets.
You sound mentally healthy, by the way. You expressed your thoughts quite clearly, and your conclusions are rational.
Best wishes.
I started over at age 35. Met someone wonderful almost immediately. We’re going on 27 years together.
You will find someone better. May not be immediately, but you’ll be better off without him.
There is no hope to fix this insanity. He wants counseling? Oh, honey, that train left the station long before he put his penis in her. It happened when he decided you becoming disabled hurt HIM. He’s literally blaming you for hurting him by ‘getting’ disabled – like it was something you ordered on Amazon to spite him!
Oftentimes, therapy gives narcissists and other abusers more tools to abuse their spouse. Skip it for your sake.
Ignore that projecting bullshit about how you MUST have a different dick to jump onto if you reject him. It’s more toxic projection, and abusers do that to derail a conversation and DARVO. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
Find and secure all of your important paperwork like birth certificate, marriage certificate, bank records, etc. You need to secure a new place to live, and if your husband attempts to stop you from leaving (with or without the kids) you call the cops and have his duplicitous ass arrested.
Final thought: He probably has already told his side piece that if he every calls and says ‘I don’t want you’ it’s because his crazy disabled wife is threatening him, and just go along with it. Your STBX is a wretched, rotten person and you deserve better.
ETA: You should get a full STI panel done, since you’ve basically slept with everyone she has had unprotected sex with.
He is legit jealous of you and he does not like you
He is a terrible, terrible person. He may have underlying issues that will make him dangerous for you— look at what you found out just by looking at his phone. There’s probably a lot more filth underneath the surface. Please contact a DV shelter about leaving safely.
Obviously I can’t tell you what to do but personally his behavior would certainly be a deal breaker for me. The cheating alone would be bad enough but this twisted behavior of using your personality to do so is beyond creepy. Your husband has issues. If I were you I’d run.