I’m not even sure what I’m hoping for here; maybe clarity, maybe closure. I’m trying really hard not to spiral or villainize anyone, but I need to get this off my chest. I’ve been replaying everything over and over, and I still don’t know if I was too emotional or if I was just asking for basic respect.
I (28 F) was talking to a guy (30 M) long-distance for a couple of months. We had some good conversations, FaceTimes, flirtation, and emotional openness. He first visited me in my city and then eventually, he asked me to come visit him in his city. He said he wanted to take time off work and spend quality time together to see where things could go. I felt cared for and genuinely excited, so I booked the flight, paid for a hotel, and flew out there.
I initially said I would just come for the weekend but he insistent that I spend two weekends there plus the week in between. He asked me to stay at his apartment but I opted for a hotel as it was my first visit there. Prior to my arrival he told me he would take Wednesday – Friday off but would work Monday and Tuesday and told me he would meet me in the evenings on those days he was working.
On Monday and Tuesday, He worked long hours, and on the evenings after work, instead of spending time with me, he prioritized going to the gym. I tried to be understanding, but it stung. I didn’t know anyone in his city, didn’t have a car, and spent most of the day by myself. I had come all the way for him and I felt invisible.
And FYI I did keep myself occupied both days. On Monday, I went to a lagree class and explored a part of town and on Tuesday I did some work from my hotel.
One of the hardest moments came on the Tuesday I was there. He had told me we’d grab dinner that night after work. I’d been alone all day waiting for that. But after work, he got caught up in more calls and said he was going to the gym before seeing me. He said, “If I don’t go, I’ll feel terrible.” It didn’t feel like a mental health break—it felt like he just couldn’t deviate from his routine. I was upset but calm and said, “Okay, go to the gym, I’ll just order dinner on my own.” He insisted on ordering the dinner for me, but I told him no thank you.
But then after the gym? He didn’t come. I asked if he was going to come over, and he said, “I’m in bed. I’m tired.” That moment truly crushed me. I had flown out to see him, spent the day alone, and he didn’t even try to see me after his workout. It made me feel small. Unimportant. Like my presence meant nothing. So I told him I’m thinking of leaving back to my city.
When I expressed my hurt, he completely shut down. He told me I was being emotionally reactive and that he expected “more emotional resilience” from a partner. I told him I wasn’t falling apart, I just wanted to feel considered. He then told me we weren’t on the same emotional wavelength and that he didn’t feel a romantic connection anymore. When I tried to understand what had changed, he cited:
• Me asking him (once) to try initiating more conversation during dinner because I felt I was carrying it all
• Me being upset about the gym thing (again, it wasn’t the gym—it was the lack of care or communication)
• Me once asking about a contact named “Mori” in his phone, which had previously appeared in his DoorDash app weeks before.
Here’s the full context for that last one: a few days before I visited, he told me that one of his exes had reached out asking if he would get back together with her. He said he called her to be “nice” and let her down gently. I didn’t react emotionally, I actually thanked him for telling me and appreciated his honesty.
But when I got in his car during the trip, I saw the name “Mori” pop up as a recent call right before he came to pick me up. I remembered that same name from DoorDash and asked—calmly—if it was a woman. He said it was a nickname for his dad, showed me briefly, and I immediately apologized if it came off like I didn’t trust him.
There were other things he brought up that confused me even more. For example, he said I seemed “obsessed” with questioning his sexuality because I once asked about his orientation (after he joked, “What if I were monogamous but into men or was curious about being with a man?” and made other comments that seemed confusing). I had been clear from day one that I wasn’t comfortable dating someone who was bi or questioning. I never judged him, but I will admit when questionable things did come up throughout our time together I did ask him what those things meant. He never asked me to stop. But later, he used it as another reason we were “emotionally incompatible.”
He also knew that I’m someone who values faith. I had told him I don’t expect my partner to pray or fast like I do, but I do want to be with someone who believes in God. He had said he does. But later, he made jokes mocking prayer and made sarcastic comments about religion that I found hurtful. I let them slide at the time, trying to be understanding. Looking back, I was constantly compromising on things that mattered to me, just to keep the peace.
And then came the breakup conversation, after I got upset about being left in the hotel all day and I told him maybe I should just leave back home and he should come collect his things. But after he did I felt bad and I tried to talk things through.
During the phone call, he completely shut me down and did not want to talk to me anymore and said things like:
• “I’m not your therapist.”
• “I just don’t feel anything romantic towards you anymore.”
• “If you feel offended, maybe you should go.”
I was stunned. I tried to talk through things. I apologized if I came off as too emotional. I asked him to come see me so we could talk in person. He refused. He said he was done and that when he loses feelings, there’s no coming back.
What hurts the most is that he didn’t once ask if I got home okay. Didn’t thank me for coming. Didn’t check on me. Just dropped me and walked away like none of it mattered.
And now I keep asking myself—did I overreact by leaving? Should I have been more understanding? Did I push him away by being too sensitive, too emotional, too invested?
If you’ve read this far—thank you. Truly. I know this is long, but I’m trying to understand whether I was wrong for walking away when I felt like I was begging for crumbs of care. I’m trying not to carry shame for asking for things like presence, communication, warmth, and respect.
Do you think I overreacted? Or was I right to leave when it was clear he wasn’t willing to meet me halfway?
TL;DR:
I (28F) flew to visit a guy (30M) I was talking to long-distance. He left me alone most of the time, prioritized the gym over seeing me, and when I expressed feeling hurt, he said I lacked emotional resilience, that we weren’t on the same wavelength, and that he didn’t feel anything for me anymore. He also used things I’d previously been kind and respectful about (like asking for more conversation effort or checking in on a phone contact) as reasons for emotional incompatibility. He ended things coldly and never checked on me again. I’m trying to understand if I overreacted by leaving—or if I was right to walk away when he clearly wasn’t willing to try.
Edited to correct some minor details.
Comments
I’m not sure what else you could have done? He broke up with you, staying wasn’t really an option
He got what he wanted out of you. Used you, then discarded you. It sucks
Yeah he just didn’t like you. It sucks but it is what it is. He made up his mind that first weekend you guys spent together. Monday and Tuesday didn’t really matter as he is making up excuses not to see you. On to the next
In sorry to say this OP, but it sounds like he was planning on doing this sometime after planning the last part of the trip and it’s happening (Monday i guess? So before Monday).
Just to clarify, you had already spent the previous weekend with him, correct? So, Friday through Sunday (or Saturday-Sun whatever), you were with him. And during those days you BOTH decided to extend the trip? Who brought up the idea?
It just seems like he was cold the entire time and wanted to have Wed-Fri to spend doing something else. Hopefully he also wanted to do it in person but that would make too much sense for that.
I don’t think you had any other option either. I’m so sorry that this happened to you, but at least you saw his true colors at the beginning of the relationship. You’re not compatible, because he put in absolutely no effort and was so rude to you. Time to move on and find a decent human being who is deserving of your efforts.
good lord, does he have to physically eject you from his life for his meaning to take? he was a terrible host, inconsiderate, standoffish, and rude. what else would you be waiting around for?
do you believe that his behaviour fits that of someone who cares for you?
personally, I wouldn’t waste another millisecond thinking about this person.
You were right to walk away. You sound together and mature – you expressed your valid feelings and he went on the attack.
He’s right, you’re emotionally imcompatible. He’s emotionally immature and you’re not.
I’m not sure how much you spent on your trip, but it was well worth it to see his true colors.
OP you were used and discarded, sorry. Sometimes people as assholes, like this guy.
While I can’t say I understand or agree with refusing to date anyone who is bi or questioning?? It doesn’t seem like you did anything wrong. I don’t want to make assumptions for either of you but it could very possibly have been previous doubts (I.E his earlier comments about possibly also being attracted to men VS you not wanting to date a man who may be questioning OR simply prior commitment issues springing back up W/ your arrival [closing the long distance]).
It sucks and I wish you healing but I don’t think there’s really a definitive "yes/no you are/aren’t wrong" since you didn’t really walk away per-say. He got you to waste money on the trip and then (from what I gathered from your post) more or less dumped you. What he did was really shitty and you’re not wrong for being blindsided, the one positive you can take from this is at least he showed his colors almost immediately and you don’t have to waste anymore time, money and mental space on a gym bro <3
He’s just not that into you. Move on.
Honestly you tried way too hard. After the second night of him blowing you off you should have just left and said nothing. You had nothing to apologize for.
It’s a dick move. You think he’d at least have the common decency to tell you before you spend money on a flight & hotel. You should send him a glitter bomb
When someone breaks up with a person, that person no longer has to contact the other. You broke up with him, then you were upset that he didn’t chase you afterwards.
I feel like you have BPD. You have the classic signs of it. Being very needy, clingy, questioning everything.
You broke up with him. You told him to get his stuff. That is the point where he no longer needed to talk to you. Move on with your life and please, seek help for your BPD to be able to better manage your emotions.
It is always nice when trash takes itself out.
Have a good cry, feel sorry for yourself for a couple of days, weeks – and then thank all your lucky stars that he showed his true colors in time!
(30 years. Exes???? Still/again seeing???)
He was definitely rude and emotionally immature, but you did try too hard with trying to get him to talk and understand your feelings. There wasn’t anything to talk about. He literally showed you how he felt — no amount of talking would change it whatsoever. You should have just left and kept it moving. A guy like him gets satisfaction from your emotional response to his bs.
He told you the truth. He has lost, for whatever reason, any romantic feelings he had for you. It sounds like it may have been coming on before you got there but he wanted to see how he felt in person, and that stinks, but it just is what it is. If he does not care about you, it’s just over, and nothing you can do or try will change that. The only thing trying to ‘fix’ it would do is cost you your dignity.
And he didn’t check to see if you got home ok because he really meant what he said. He does not care.
Love yourself first,next!
He got back with the ex but was too much of a coward to tell you so he decided to be an asshole to make you break up with him. You dodged a bullet. He’s an asshole.
YNW. Be glad you didn’t invest even more time. I absolutely think you did the right thing by leaving. By prioritizing yourself/your feelings. The only thing I would have done differently is asking him to “come & talk it through”. If it’s over, it’s over. He should have been honest about his feelings from the start.
Count this as a lesson learned and move on.
I guess I’m in the minority but I get why he ended things. You came up for a weekend and spent the entire weekend together. At that point it was time to go home. You guys hit it off and wanted to spend more time with each other, but he wasn’t able to do that because he had to work Monday and Tuesday. You agreed to entertain yourself and just see him for dinner Monday-Tuesday, and then resume your hangout Wednesday-Friday. You jump from that agreement, to acting like it was a huge hardship for you to be alone Monday and Tuesday…ok then why did you voluntarily agree to this setup instead of just going home? Why did you spend the whole day alone in your hotel room? You’re an adult with money presumably, why didn’t you go explore the city and find something to do? He had to work long hours and wanted to decompress at the gym because that’s what he does after work and these were work days. That is normal. All he promised you was that you’d have dinner together those nights. Monday night he went to the gym and then y’all hung out and had dinner. Tuesday night he worked late then said he wanted to go to the gym. You treated him like he abandoned you alone, like it was his job to keep you entertained while he was at work. You cut a fit and said you’d get your own dinner, and wouldn’t allow him to buy it for you. Then you expected him to still come over? Why? You’re already pissed at him, blaming him for having to work even though this was the plan you made together, and you can’t have dinner together at this point anyway because you passive aggressively already got yourself dinner. If I was him I would be done by that point too. You honestly sound very high maintenance to me. You should have stayed out of his hair on Monday and Tuesday and found your own stuff to do, and resumed your hang out when it was time to resume your hang out on Wednesday.
ETA: I noticed you’ve edited the post to make yourself sound better, like saying he tried to make you stay in his apartment, and saying it was all his idea before you even got there for you to stay extra time. Grow up dude. Just move on, you were clingy and he ditched. Accolades from internet strangers for your fake story aren’t going to improve your real life. Learn a lesson.
Bottom line the other woman is the issue! You can’t compete with her especially ehrnvhe is not honest with you! Heck he could have at least been a good friend to you! Spent some times with you. He’s certainly not worth pineing about. It wasn’t you. He should have told you what was going on. Just a sorry thing to do to you! At first I was thinking he had woman at home all the time but why would he invite there! It is not your fault. Its his for being an ass.
You were clearly incompatible, you literally wrote out how… seems like your ego is just bruised because you compromised on things and he wouldn’t.
You should work on building your self esteem.
I think that it’s hard when we put a lot of effort into something/someone and it’s not reciprocated. We wonder what we did wrong, what we could have done differently. Truth is sometimes people just aren’t compatible. And if you find yourself in a position where a douche canoe doesn’t have strong feelings for you, consider yourself lucky.
He prefers online relationships where he doesn’t have to put in any meaningful time. You only get to see who he wants you to see. It’s easy to be warm and caring when you don’t have to actually be warm and caring.
You didn’t do anything wrong. He’s a jerk. Even if he realized he didn’t feel romantically about you, he could have been more tactful and definitely more decent about it. If someone ever does this to you again, STOP with the begging, pleading, and apologizing. Why in the hell would you work that hard to hang on to someone who treats you like that?
I’m sorry that happened. It sounds like you weren’t going to be compatible in the end, especially emotionally. If someone wants to see you, they will make the effort like you did for him. He isn’t worth a second thought at this point. You deserve someone who wants to be with you, see you & not blow you off like that
I don’t get what you’re asking here? He broke up with you. If you stayed beyond that, that would make you look desperate.
He behaved poorly, move on.
Not wrong, IMO. When you take the time and money to travel to see someone, they should absolutely make certain you are taken care of, in every sense. You should have felt appreciated, welcomed, and worthy. He did none of those. Sorry.
I think you need to watch “He’s just not that into you.” If he wanted to spend time with you, he would make the effort. Don’t look at this as something you lack, it’s him. He’s not the right guy. Don’t waste any more time thinking and rethinking every moment to try to find hints that he wants you in his life. He’s made it crystal clear without actually saying it out loud. Guys like that suck. He wants to keep you in the wings but not commit to you. It’s all him. You get just one life, don’t waste it on people who don’t value you! Find someone who will appreciate and love you! This guy sucks.
I think you under reacted and gave him too much leeway, tbh.
You didn’t overreact. I’ve been there with men. It sucks. I understand. It hurt reading this. Please think of yourself more in the future babygirl. I’ve never regretted leaving/ accepting a break up with a person like this.
You did not overreact. He didn’t actually want a partner or relationship. He wanted a sex doll.
Not wrong. Let him go. This isn’t the guy for you.
Luckily he’s long distance so you won’t have to worry about him popping up when you’re out and about. He’s a creep and a mean one at that. If you want someone to treat you like crap, there is an winding line of a thousand takers willing to give it out. He is one of them, I am glad you moved on. Let him be someone else’s heartache, you deserve better.
Glad you realize who he was earlier than later. It’s weird he asked you to come over on days he was working. Then didn’t want to spend time with you at all. YNW.
He didn’t want to see you while you were there on Monday Tuesday. He had already lost interest by then. There was nothing you could have said or done differently.
This guy made it clear you weren’t his priority and you two don’t line up on your values.
Also, don’t go to a place to visit a man and then spend the whole day in your hotel room waiting for him. Go out and do things on your own.
Also, you decided to threaten to leave and then went shocked pikachu face when he agreed. Don’t say that kind of stuff and then act surprised when a man doesn’t grovel. Mean it or don’t.
You’re not wrong for leaving. You’re not compatible. You’re only wrong for hoping he would chase you.
Block this ass and move on
Of course you are NTA. But you ARE a doormat.
You went into this trip the wrong way. Sure, it was to meet up with him in person after corresponding for so long. But it was also to get to know the city you stayed in.
You make plans WITHOUT him.
Go to the zoo!
Go to the museums!
Find out what they are famous for (tea? beer? kayaking?) and go on a tour/take a class around that.
Have a fabulous time and don’t wait around for him!
If he decides to be a jerk, you still have a fabulous time and he doesn’t get to enjoy it. If he turns out to be a good guy, you STILL have a fabulous and he gets to enjoy you AND the fabulous time.
You know this one isn’t a keeper. You should get some counseling to learn how the lesson you need to learn from this relationship. Part which is when someone treats you like this – they don’t want you around.
r/AIW
It’s sad but he’s just not that into you
Wow! Sounds like you dodged a bullet. He sounds like a $€lfish boy who has no idea what he wants or needs and is incapable of any self reflection. If any of the things that he mentioned, bothered him, he’s not relationship material anyway. If he ever tries to pull you back in, please remember how he was when he showed you who he really is.
I read the first third of this, and it was crystal clear that the relationship is over.
He is not interested in you. He should have met you on your first night in town.
Congrats on ditching that dude! Move on, it’s done no matter who is to blame.
Run. The fact that he quickly attacked you for having ANY reaction to his shitty behavior other than, “thank you, more” is a big problem. Then he quickly made the jump to those (perfectly reasonable) feelings being evidence of a character defect? This is abusive. Stop speaking to this man.
ETA: I got so heated I forgot to point out the very first fact being he’s not that into you. He made no effort to see you. If he wanted to, he would.
You are better off, he sounds truly like an asshole who doesn’t know how to treat people kindly, he also sounds like he has a narcissistic personality as well, glad that you went home, move on and don’t waste another thought on that idiot
Wow. I read the whole thing. Not even counting all the other stuff, his sexuality, his faith, etc, this is NOT the man for you. He sounds horrible really. To leave you alone after you’ve flown all the way to his city to see him and not spend time with you? Even if he lost interest in you, he should at least be a decent human being. Don’t be a doormat. He is a shitty person. You are not wrong for expecting basic respect. In fact, you should get that from a partner you choose in life. Don’t be sad about this anymore. You didn’t do anything wrong. You just met a bad apple. Be glad he showed you his true colors before you’re even more invested. Move on and don’t apologize or reach out to him anymore. He is not worth your time or energy!