I grew up overseas in another country in the middle east, although I am a dual US citizen. I officially moved to the US when I was 17 when I started college, but I had a scholarship from my home country’s government to cover all costs, include a monthly stipend. I used this scholarship for my bachelors and grad school, totaling 11 years of school. Part of the contract states that I have to return back for a few years and work, since the idea is that they paid me to get my education so I should pay them back by contributing to the development or something. Otherwise, I have to pay back all the funds. This is upwards of $500k, possibly more, when totaling tuition, stipends, health insurance, bonuses for getting a 3.5 GPA, etc. for all 11 years.
My husband and I have been together for 7 years, and married in April of this year. We’ve both have known about the clause in the contract since we met, but my husband always told me that they can’t pursue repayment if I stay in the US. However, I’ve come to find out that my father signed as a guarantor so he’d be liable for repayment since he still lives there, as do the rest of my family. That would destroy not only my parents livelihood in their senior years, but also my niblings (nieces and nephews) as my parents are pretty much their guardians and financially support them, and my sister is going through a custody battle at the moment. Also, my parents finally got their own home that they own after decades of renting and I’m afraid the government might seize it if I don’t return back. My husband and I would never be able to afford to get a loan and pay it back either so they don’t go after my father. We can barely afford his Tacoma since we’re just living off my stipend right now.
I told my husband that I don’t think I have a choice but to go back for a few years to work. I love my life in the US but I can’t destroy my family’s life because I can’t sacrifice a few years of living there. However, my husband isn’t on board. He does not want to move there with me. His main concern is not being able to smoke weed or sports bet (they are opening up casinos though) as thats his main form of income right now. He has valid concerns about moving there but I also feel like he’s playing into stereotypes that his family perpetuates like his grandmother saying women have to wear a burqa there (we do not. In fact, people dress more provocatively there than she’d appreciate).
I just don’t know what to do. I’m trying to be understanding towards my husband’s feelings about this but it feels like I’m being forced to ultimately choose between him and my family. It’s been giving me intense anxiety the past couple of weeks because I either abandon my husband or destroy my family’s life. It doesn’t seem like there’s any in between.
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He sounds like a deadbeat who is sponging off of you. That may be the bigger issue here. His income is sports betting? You deserve better.
Can’t really ever expect someone to pack up their life and move countries with you, regardless of context. Its too large of an ask.
However, I was expecting a more… Profound argument from him for his rejection. Like, my family, my career, my friends, my home is here. I don’t want to leave it.
But his reasoning was because he won’t be able smoke weed and sports bet?
So, right now… You two are living off your income and the only income he brings to the table is his gambling winnings? Meaning, he’s unemployed and does sports betting? Then smokes weed everyday?
How long has that been going on for? Has he every had a job? How long have you been financially supporting your marriage?
That is giving off deadbeat mooching energy. What value is he actually adding to your life then? Sounds like he is getting a free ride out of you, somewhat an easy choice to leave him behind and go do you.
This isn’t really a choice. Either you go back for a few years or your entire family loses everything. Him refusing because of weed and gambling shows he’s not thinking like a partner. Ask yourself: do you want a husband who builds a life with you, or a guy who checks out the second sacrifice is required?
Sounds like an easy choice. He’s living off your stipend, is a pot head, and gambles. Take this as a sign of the trash taking itself out.
The guy is a hobosexual already. Mooching off of you and gambling for “income”. Good grief.
He has nothing going for him here so he really has no good reason not to move with you.
He sounds irresponsible and selfish to me.
He sounds like a real catch. You got a good one!
He sounds very selfish
He knew what he was getting into when he married you. You made the agreement with your government, and you have to do it or your family will suffer.
How long do you have to stay in your country? Is there a reason he can’t visit you, if he doesn’t move there?
edit: You don’t really have a much of a choice. Your husband has to find a solution that works for him.
edit2: He’s living off your stipend so he’s not making enough to support himself. He’s going to have to stop gambling and get a real job.
Money can be made with betting, but most people aren’t that good at it.
“His main concern is not being able to smoke weed or sports bet (they are opening up casinos though) as thats his main form of income right now.”
You are doing the right thing and your husband is behaving selfishly.
Leave him stateside & go home and take care of your obligations.
If his main income is sports betting, then he doesn’t actually have an income – he has an addiction.
Two of them.
I have no problem with weed, but a gambler who refuses to move because he can’t smoke weed & gamble is going to wind up getting in trouble in your home country.
You’d be better off to divorce him, but if you don’t want to do that, promise to send him money occasionally and go home.
You need to go back. Does it say for how many years? When do you have to pay it back if you don’t return? Do they give you a job at minimum wage purposely keep you there longer? How does the repayment work? Is your degree in a high paying field? You’re right you can’t ditch your parents like that. Your husband sounds like a hobosexual who will probably get in trouble if he comes. Tell him you’ll take the baby but he is on his own. I guess that means he’ll have to work an actual job to support himself. Good luck
Your husband sounds incredibly selfish. You know what you have to do. Follow through on your obligations. Legally and morally, it is the right thing to do. He can come along or continue living with his parents. That is on him.
Make sure you are not paying for any of his stuff if he stays. Get an account that is only yours, and stop putting money in any joint accounts. You would be better served to close the joint accounts entirely so he cannot ruin your credit.
If he stays behind, take time once you get settled to really think about what you want. Once you give it six months or so, you might find that you are much happier without him.
The only reason why you have to choose between your husband and your family is because he is giving you a selfish ultimatum. This should have always been considered a possibility instead of relying on your husband’s uneducated certainty that there would be no way to enforce consequences if you stayed in the US.
I’m not sure what made him think he knew better than the entire legal apparatus of a foreign government. Surely the government has considered the possibility that some people might not want to return after getting an international education and has come up with strategies to prevent that.
Also, the balance on either side of this equation is hugely unequal. Your husband doesn’t want to give up his favorite vices for a few years. You don’t want your parents and no niblings to go homeless and hungry.
Go work in your country of origin for a few years. Enjoy spending time with your parents and shifting what your relationship with them looks like now that you are an adult instead of a child. Play silly games with your niblings and stay up late talking to your sister.
You know you have to go home. I have friends who were sponsored to do their degrees etc abroad. It’s a social and an economic contract. He knew that about you and he is just being selfish. If he has never visited your country he should come with you when you move for a visit. If he hates it he can go back to the US. If he likes it he can quit weed and stay with you.
Please carefully evaluate you relationship. He is literally choosing drugs and gambling over being a supportive husband.
I don’t believe that you have any other option but to honour the contract.
It wouldn’t hurt to get a legal opinion though, just to understand exactly what would happen if you didn’t (e.g. would they seize your father’s home?).
The other thing to consider is whether your husband would be allowed gainful employment in your home country. I understand that you’re married, but in my country that alone does not afford you the right to work.
This is a good opportunity to dump the deadbeat you married & move on.
Go. It’s the only sensible choice.
And use the time apart to decide whether a guy who prioritizes his gambler career and weed over bankrupting your family is really the best you can do.
OK his reasoning is because he can’t bet or smoke weed? Seriously? If he thinks that is more important than a family, you got bigger issues. Not to mention he is living off YOUR stipend? His concerns, are excuses.
You need to reflect if this relationship is healthy.
I think you best read over the agreement that you signed for university loans. If you break the agreement you will have to repay the total sum of money loaned. You should talk to your husband about this as they can AND WILL come after you for money owed. So the total amount of money you received in student loans is the amount they can claw back from you. I only done 1 year of uni and had £1500 loan; it took me years to pay it back as I defaulted on the loan agreement. In the end they must have clawed back about £4000 from me! So please read what you have signed for. And that was before uni was £9000 a year! (UK)
As for you husband he needs to grow the hell up! His main concern is because he can’t smoke ‘weed’ ffs! YOU should be his priority! NOTHING MORE!
You sound sensible in your approach. But don’t let ‘stupid choices’ stand in your way of doing what is right.
He know about the contract, and since he hasn’t save $500K to pay the penalty, you will be moving back to your country to work. He has 3 choices, He can go with you, since he has known about this for the entirely of your relationship. You can go long distance (if both of you are OK with that). I am not sure if you can afford travel, but I have a friend, who do to careers, who lives 2300 miles from her husband in the US (both are professors). They see each other during breaks. Option number 3 is a divorce. If he chooses option #2, let him know that he is responsible for paying his own bills, even if that means getting a roommate or moving into an efficiency apartment. He might have to get a second job, spend less on pot, and give up gambling.
Divorce him and fulfill your obligation. You really have no other choice.
Weed and gambling is important to…you need to take care of your man, for better or for worse
You took the money to enhance your future, knowing it would have to be paid back in cash or government service. It’s time for you to go home. As for your husband, sorry, he’s not a man of high character to suggest you just don’t pay your obligation. Why did you marry a man with no job. Gambling and smoking weed are not working. As you stated, ya’ll are living on the stipend you are receiving. One of your decisions is written in contract, the other is the husband. He either goes with you, tries to find work, or continues to let you support him or stay go LDR and pretend he loves and misses you while begging for support. I don’t mean to sound harsh. However, he is not adding to your life.
How is this not the easiest decision of all time? This man is willing to risk you and your family loving everything so he can continue to get high and sport bet?
What has your husband been spending money on when he had a job? It sounds like the majority of your life was paid for via your stipend, so why was nothing being saved on his end? I fear there are a lot of deeper issues going on that you’re turning a blind eye to that could help your decision of going back to your home country for your FAMILY a lot easier.
Girl your basically unemployed partner doesn’t want to uphold an agreement that he was aware of because it would interrupt his weed and betting? And you ask what you should do? Leave him and pick a better partner!
Wow you married a selfish child. Go do the right thing and let this deadbeat go.
You already know you have to go, so you don’t destroy your parent’s credit and honor.
Go see a lawyer.
You don’t have children yet, you don’t own a home, is your name on his truck?
Separate your banking, secure your passport and other important documents.
Credit cards, is he on yours?
Are you on his? Remove him from yours.
Call and remove yourself from his, even as an Authorized User, he can destroy your credit.
Also please lock down your credit, so nothing fraudulent happens while you are out of the country.
Because you have only been married going on 5 months, you may be able to just annul the marriage.
Lawyers are expensive, so check online for the county you live in. Some courthouses have the paperwork online that you can fill out and file with minimum cost.
And if you changed your last name, you can ask for it to go back to your maiden name in your paperwork.
Also see what the requirements are to file for divorce, in some states you have to be separated (not living together) from 30 days up to 365 days, BEFORE filing.
Good luck
I think your family is a lot more important than smoking weed and gambling. I don’t think there’s anything you need to agree to. He’s being very selfish and irresponsible
The fact that you are unwilling to see common sense here is very worrying. Your husband is a selfish dick, whereas your family believed in you enough to financially bankrupt themselves in order for you to succeed.
So your husbands main source of income is risking money by gambling? Did I read that right?
He’s choosing weed and gambling over his family.
He knew the rules when he married you.
You have to go back home. Leave him behind so he can get a proper job and gamble away his own money.