It’s been well over 14 months now that my husband drunkenly came home and I found messages between him and a coworker sexting each other. Let me preface this by saying I never check his phone, I never felt the need to. But a friend he was out with texted him checking to see if he got back safely. And I responded to his friend saying who I was and that my husband was safe. Out of habit I swiped the screen, and it went to all messages. I was about to lock the screen when I noticed he had messages with her. Curiousity got the best of me, cause like what would you be talking to your female coworker about at 1 in the morning? And in that instance it felt like my whole world came crashing down.
In the almost 6 years that we have been together, half of those married. Within that time he would accuse me of cheating. As I’m in the Navy and he would say that no one in the Navy is faithful, and that people have sex on the boat all the time. I would always say that isn’t fair to say because milspouses are just as guilty of being unfaithful, And he would always say how he knows how guys think”. After all this I found old pictures and old text messages with other girls. When the entire time he would give me shit about keeping things. And he would accuse me of talking to other men about our relationship, when honestly I’ve always been embarrassed about my relationship. So giving anyone insight on it, is just not it!! But i then found him messaging an online girl we played online games with about how I’m just a shit partner, untrustworthy, and how I’m never satisfied. I guess always trying to communicate is complaining.
Any how coming to the present day, i find myself continuously giving jabs at him. I’m mentally and emotionally just not over what happened. I want to be. I really want to be. I just look at myself in the mirror, and i don’t recognize this person looking back at me.. I just sit and cry. Like no one thinks of these things happening to them, how do you prepare for things like this. Yes, things much worse could have happened. Absolutely. So why am I so sensitive to this shit?! I’ve read from multiple people that either give the “don’t stay if you can’t get over what happened” or the “if you’re going to stay, then you need to stop bringing it up”. And I’m torn between these two. I just want to feel like a person again.. not like a shell of a person. What can I do? What are things you guys have done? When your whole relationship was all you really were? I’ve done marriage counseling but he always wants to pick someone religious. Ever since the incident he has become a more religious individual. it just isn’t my thing. He just likes to spin into religion when it seems to suit him, what i mean is he isn’t a devout religious person until he gets into his head about how shit of a partner he is. Then it’s “god this, god that”. Very bible thumper when it’s in his favor. I personally was raised in the negative aspects of religion. It just isn’t for me. I started taking anxiety meds. I started more hobbies to keep my mind off it all-crocheting, sewing, plants, reading. But all I end up doing is self deprecate, and feel so fake as a person. Like who the fuck am i ? I need to learn other ways people have been able to discover themselves after shitty events in their lives.
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Basically he’s been projecting all this time putting his actions on you… He doesn’t sound like someone I would wanna be with, that’s for sure
Sorry to hear what you go through. You might feel so devastated. I can empathize with you.
JFC. Leave him
It sounds like this wasn’t the first incident of him cheating. A lot of cheaters project- hence him accusing you of cheating throughout your relationship and marriage. And him saying “that’s just how men think” is a cue for that’s how HE thinks. Not all men think that way, and I guarantee you he used that “logic” to cheat on you.
If I were you, I wouldn’t get over it. Has he even genuinely apologized or done anything to build your trust back? It sounds like any time you bring the subject up he throws religion into it as a deflection. I would leave, sis. Your husband doesn’t love or respect you.
Why are you trying to get over it? You should leave and get over him. You deserve better
You need to grow you. Not just hobbies. You need to build yourself up. Get individual therapy or maybe even a confidence coach.
His behaviour is all on him. He chose to chase tail instead of working on his marriage. You are worth more than that.
I told my husband to go for independent therapy before he walked out our marriage as he was a mess. I couldn’t help him and I chose me at that point. The independent therapy really helped him and I saw positive improvement. He admitted he was an idiot.
The question you need to ask yourself is, could you possibly see yourself moving past this, as in, being confident in yourself and in trusting him, ever?
If yes, what would need to change in order for that to happen?
Then sit him down and demand him be a partner in making that happen. (Hint: marriage counseling BUT ONLY ON MY TERMS WHICH I KNOW YOU WON’T LIKE isn’t being a partner.)
If he isn’t willing, or if your answer is no, then your marriage is basically over. You might as well rip the bandaid off.
I have lived this hell. My husband cheated after 16 years married/18 together. I found out through his phone as well. I actually experienced “seeing red”. I tried to get over it, but I couldn’t. He also tried to make it about religion/traditional roles.
I’m telling you, sometimes people can’t get over it. Your life will never be the same. Just get a divorce. Do you have kids? Doesn’t matter. Get a divorce.
You’re still in the Navy? Get a divorce. Get stationed someplace awesome. Work on yourself and feel joy again. It’s hard for a little bit, but it’s incredibly fulfilling after a few months. Good luck
Basic training, my friend…
When your ship is attacked, and everyone and everything around you is chaos, training kicks in… you put the fear and despair aside, and you take action. You can do this, because your body knows what to do.
This is an attack, and a betrayal to boot. You were doing all of it right, and he’s still doing all of it wrong. It is definitely not how you treat someone you love, it’s how you run a con game.
So what you do, is forcibly take back what’s yours… your self respect, your sense of value and dignity… it does not belong in his possession. Put the emotion aside for a bit, and take action. Feelings can be sorted out once you’re safe and sound.
Do whatever you can to make you proud of you.
It’s a crappy person who uses religion only when it suits them. I guess he’s trying to hold on to you. Morality isn’t really his thing tho, who is he kidding. You are still young, I think you would be better off starting again on your own. At least then you can look in the mirror and know who you’re seeing.
I think you should leave him. He doesn’t respect ypu. He complains about ypu. Like girl, that is enough. Every person deserves to be celebrated in their marriage. If your marriage is turning ypu into someone you hate, it may be time to end it.
I appreciate your desire to fix your marriage, but given the short duration, the massive amount of deception, the emotional affair with another woman, and the hard right religious turn, I think you should bail.
You may even be able to get it annulled with the evidence that was never truly faithful.